Category: Suggested Reading

We all have expectations, and we should, because otherwise why would we do anything ever? The problem is, many people have unrealistically high expectations and are disappointed when the experience falls short. So, here are two lists, one for clients and one for providers, of reasonable, realistic expectations.

As a client, you should expect your provider to:
-Be on time
-Resemble her photos (some use fake photos for privacy. That’s ok, they just need to accurately represent her.)
-Provide services as advertised*
-Provide a clean location if she offers incall
-Not up-sell unless for off-menu services
-Keep the session moving so you complete desired/available activities within the time allotted

Everything else is variable, but it is not unusual for your provider to:
-Be attractive
-Be enthusiastic
-Provide more than minimum services
-Agree to special requests when possible
-Have amenities on hand such as oral hygiene products and a variety of condoms
-Accommodate those with varying levels of ability or health

And while it’s nice when it happens, you should never expect your provider to:
-Let the session run overtime
-Offer social time off the clock
-Provide off-menu services**
-Accommodate special requests with short notice
-Be available same-day/immediately
-Engage in lengthy conversations outside of session time
-Put up with pushy or whiny behavior

As a provider, you should expect your client to:
-Be on time or, if late, still pay the full amount
-Pay the full amount without talking about it
-Leave on time
-Shower if asked
-Not pressure you for extra services

It’s not unusual for your client to:
-Be a few minutes early if time allows
-Be appreciative of your time and services
-Put the money down discretely before the session
-Initiate a trip to the restroom to freshen up/shower
-Want to pleasure you

And while it’s nice when it happens, you should never expect your client to:
-Watch the clock for you
-Leave early
-Be in perfect health
-Take you out for paid social time or shopping trips
-Tip
-Be perfectly clean all over***
-Be good at pleasuring you

Now that we’ve set our expectations in a realistic place, we can move forward. When things we reasonably expect to happen don’t happen, we have options, the least productive of which is to be angry. We can simply not see that provider or client again, we can write a review or an alert detailing the issue factually without emotion, or we can waste our emotional resources on an already unsatisfying experience. I know what I would do.

Obviously I didn’t include things like ‘you should expect your client to not rape or kill you’ and ‘you should expect your provider to not arrest or rob you’ but those seemed a bit obvious and, except for rare occasions, should not be necessary to enumerate.

So next time you find yourself walking away from a session disappointed, check your expectations before you get angry. If you feel entitled to extra time or services because you’ve been seeing a lady for ages, check your expectations.

…I say to the choir. If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of my darlings who exceeds my expectations regularly. These unrealistic expectations are a phenomenon I often see on forums and boards but rarely see in person. I hope, if you read this and I resonates with you, that you are able to understand both sides of this unusually intimate dynamic and it helps you empathize with your provider or your client when they ask for or begin to expect more than is realistic.

*This is a tricky one since we can’t explicitly advertise specific services but for massage/FBSM/erotic bodywork/body rub/etc you can reasonably expect to be touched all over, Have her attempt to give you at least one orgasm, and have shower facilities available. Skill level, mutual touch, kissing, cuddling, enthusiasm, energy level, and more are variable and require research into reviews and advertising analysis. For full service, you can reasonably expect to receive oral sex (most ladies will indicate whether they provide oral sex with or without a condom), cuddle, and experience penetrative sex. Most ladies will allow you to give them oral and will kiss you; if they do not they will usually indicate that or it will show up in her reviews. Even then, if you have Erectile dysfunction or other issues you may not be able to engage in penetrative sex. This is not your provider’s fault.

**Off menu services are exactly that: off menu. While some providers will provide them for an additional fee, many will not offer them at all. A client is welcome to ask, a single time, for off menu services and be satisfied with the answer. Asking again after being told ‘no’ is not cool. Asking multiple times, pressuring, guilting, or attempting are all grounds to end a session early and potentially blacklist the client.

***Faces, fingernails, and butts are the bare minimum. Use wet wipes instead of TP if you’re not planning on a shower. Wash your hands and rinse your mouth with mouthwash at the start and end of the session. File, don’t cut, your fingernails And scrub underneath them. Nobody likes bacterial vaginitis. If you can’t avoid stubble or have a particularly bristly beard, go easy on her skin, particularly if you’re giving her oral as that’s a very delicate, sensitive area and stubble can steal orgasms. Shaving mere hours before is not a guarantee you won’t have stubble. If she offers oral sex without a condom, rinse your penis with water (under your foreskin if you have one) and wash your balls with shampoo or soap. All the way to your anus. When in doubt, ask. Take chlorophyll tablets regularly.

On Thursday, July 14, The Seattle Times reported on a sting operation conducted by Seattle Police from July 5 to July July 14. SPD netted 22,000$ from the money the clients brought to pay their provider and expect over a half million in fines to follow.

Several things disturb me about this event. Aside from my obvious disagreement with the current laws regarding my work and my clients, these sorts of nonviolent crimes should not be a priority for SPD when we have violent actions right here in Seattle, particularly in the primarily black Central District. The comments left by readers reflected that opinion, citing specific instances where even upper class white neighborhoods see long response times, if any at all, while time and resources pour into this lucrative yet socially damaging operation.

Some say that it’s justified since these men were looking to see “sex slave[s]” and that they were planning to exploit vulnerable women. From the comments made by the Undercover Officer who played the provider and by Police Chief Umporowitz, the woman these men thought they were seeing for sexual services was neither a slave nor vulnerable. She bragged about her ability to convince reluctant clients to agree to exchange money for services (a crime now called Misdemeanor Sexual Exploitation instead of the clearer but less emotionally charged Misdemeanor Patronizing a Prostitute) and all officers quoted in the article expressed disdain for the men they arrested. The article specifically mentions men crying and begging not to be charged as charges like this, particularly with such a vague and damning title, can cause the loss of family, employment, and establishes far reaching stigma. In each case, the writer showed no compassion or sympathy. For those who believe that a sting like this helps end demand for sexual slavery or sexual human trafficking, that is a misperception. There will always be a market for sexual labor and if that market is saturated with consenting adults operating legally, the vast majority of clients will choose the legally operating providers over those who expose them to legal risks such as underage providers or drug users.

So we see that first, stings don’t decrease the demand for sexual labor, they simply drive the market for it further underground and scare off respectable clients. Second, this particular sting did nothing to combat actual abuse considering the clients had no reason to think abuse was occurring, nor were they attempting to abuse the provider. Third, the social and financial consequences these men now face are more harmful to the public than helpful considering the emotional and economic fallout of strong punishments.

My heart goes out to these men. This article was posted to the Seattle subreddit and one of the young men arrested posted a comment.

“
I was one of the men arrested through this sting. I haven’t told any of my friends or family because I am embarrassed and I just wanted to let my feelings out. As someone who often times feels alone this was a way out and a way I could have physical contact with someone. I knew what I was doing was illegal. But a way to escape the loneliness even just for a bit seemed with it. I am very young in my early 20’s (not the one mentioned in the article). This happening so early in my life makes me feel that any hope for a positive future very unlikely. I am going to school right now but not sure if I’ll keep going. Since it does go on my record everywhere I apply to will see it and make it hard to get a professional job so I don’t see the point in trying. Not to mention the $2700 fine will make my life for the next year a much more challenging. I am working on accepting what happened and moving on but it’s hard. This is just a different perspective on this issue.

Thank you for reading.
“

Regardless of whether or not you believe that the act of prostitution itself is morally right or wrong, ruining lives over a nonviolent act is not healthy for society. This poor young man, just starting his life, now faces enormous hurdles for simply trying to find someone to touch him in a nonjudgemental, human way. I have many clients looking for the same thing: human contact. They are all kind, thoughtful, appreciative, and undeserving of this ridicule and harsh punishment. This sting was not about aiding vulnerable women, it was not about safety or equality, it was about money, pure and simple. SPD made over half a million dollars from fines alone and the publicity this generates will go toward winning another grant from anti-prostitution NPOs. While the time and energy of a dozen officers over the course of ten days went into arresting and punishing guys who just want to be touched, Seattle citizens suffered from decreased enforcement for real time, potentially violent crimes.

Please readers, stay safe. This work is good and meaningful and fun and pleasurable and I would hate for anyone else to get caught in the political crossfire. SWOP is talking with legislators, city attorney’s, and others in response to activities like this and continues to fight for the decriminalization of this harmless work so that you, our client, can better know who is and isn’t safe and so that resources are focused on actual abuse and violence.

To those who went to Euro Spa and felt the harsh hand of the law, I am so sorry. I am also interested in talking with you about your experience. I would love to paint a verbal picture of what it looks and feels like to go through that process. People should know how it feels to go through something like that and a sympathetic portrait of a victim of a sting could be a huge step towards humanizing my beloved clients.

Our community has been hit. Screening has always been an issue for both clients and providers. You, our client, don’t know if you can trust us or our digital security. You don’t know if we’re manipulative, law enforcement, or just careless but you trust us (or not) because this industry is overall pretty great (or not, depending on your experience). We don’t know if you’re illiterate, hyper cautious, or a serial rapist but we trust you (or not) because this industry is overall pretty great (or not, depending on your experience). After TRB, MyRedBook, and RentBoy among others went down in multi-agency law enforcement efforts and it became known that KGirlDelights’ client database (complete with legal names) was in the hands of the law, clients were even more reluctant to share personal information with potential providers.

I completely understand this attitude and I don’t blame clients for being careful and skeptical. You should be. But so should I. There are a lot of conversations on review boards and community forums about screening and generally, clients want to remain anonymous while providers want as much info as they can get. One of the reasons I fight for the decriminalization of all sex work is so that I and my sisters can demand your full legal name, every time, and you have no legitimate reason to deny us. That may sound harsh, but let me illustrate part of my reasoning.

One of my sisters was raped recently. I won’t go into the details aside from that she was explicit in denying a particular act multiple times, the client put her in a compromising position, violated that denial of consent, and then apologized. Whether or not his apology is heartfelt, he obviously does not accept boundaries as boundaries and should not be allowed to see sex workers, or anyone else for that matter, in the future. However, we have no recourse other than a community wide warning against an email address and a username. We have no name to take to law enforcement, and even if we did she has the double shame of being the survivor of a particularly devastating sexual assault AND being a ‘woman of questionable character’. She would, should she have pressed charges, have been dragged, verbally and publicly, through her assault multiple times as her character was disparaged and her status as a sex worker exposed. This helps NO ONE except her rapist. Under decriminalization, this vulnerable young woman would be able to work with a mentor to prevent such situations, ask this gentleman for personal ID in order to hold him accountable, and hopefully remove one of many compromising layers that smother rape survivors.

The men who ran the Korean Sex Worker ‘trafficking’ ring will likely get a few months in jail, a fine, and a slap on the wrist. They are embarrassed and hugely inconvenienced, albeit unnecessarily in my opinion, by their deep and arrogant involvement with the management side of prostitution. Patronizing a prostitute, however, is a gross misdemeanor*. A few months, a few thousand, and a highly embarrassing situation (or quiet plea deal, whichever) is your most likely consequence**. You, the client, don’t need to worry about being murdered or raped (though the rare robbery aided by management does happen I hear). I understand your reluctance to risk the embarrassment, cost, and potential loss of employment IF your information is uncovered. Please understand the risk your provider is taking by allowing you, on the word of other providers alone, to come into her home, get her naked, and lie down together. Please understand why some providers demand personal information. Please understand the courtesy your provider does for you by allowing you to maintain your anonymity. Please understand why most charge for meet and greet screening and STILL ask for ID. Please treat her with patience and respect because she is willing to risk her personal safety so you can avoid embarrassment. Please provide her with the information she asks for. Please say please and thank you.

My heart goes out to this young woman, naïve and trusting, who allowed this man, on the recommendation of others, into herself and was painfully violated as reward for her trust. Please remember this the next time you find yourself frustrated by the time and effort it takes to pass screening and understand why some screening methods are simply unacceptable to some of us. I takes one risks because usually people are pretty great and because this is my job and I need to pay the bills. Fortunately I am privileged and experienced enough to avoid the greatest risks, but we are not all so blessed.

Please consider donating to SWOP Seattle for their untiring efforts to educate, decriminalize, and hear all members of our community, not just those of us who are most fortunate. Should you prefer to make a more personal donation, consider booking next time Ms Savanna Sly***, SWOP USA president, tours in Seattle, or with Sola Love or Sol Finer, both critical members of SWOP Seattle, or next time you and I meet you can donate through me and I will make sure it gets where it needs to go.

*SWOP fought the legislation that changed patronizing a prostitute from a misdemeanor to a gross misdemeanor. We won the first time around but not when it was reintroduced this year. We fight for you, too.
**Hiding your identity will not help you should you be arrested in a sting. Stop-and-identify laws in Washington state require you to produce ID if you are under reasonable suspicion of a crime. Answering an ad for prostitution is, unfortunately, grounds for reasonable suspicion and you will be required to identify yourself and produce ID. If it is not on you, I assume they will simply detain you until you provide your name verbally or your lawyer provides your ID as you are, once again, under reasonable suspicion. Also, stings tend to be day-of events. Book a day or two ahead the first time you meet a provider and that MAY decrease the likelihood of being involved in a sting. Also never agree to pay a set amount of money for a set service, either verbally or via text/email and NEVER (I really shouldn’t have to say this) agree to see a provider who admits they are under the age of 18!!
***Savanna is a ProDomme but if you prefer more delicate delights she offers FBSM and she and I would be happy to duo with you.

Update: Sure enough: a few weeks after posting this, there was a sting at a fake rub and tug establishment in the University district. There was no screening involved and, surprise, surprise, over 200 potential and actual clients got arrested. Avoiding screening does not mean avoiding Law Enforcement.

Last January, www.thereviewboard.net was seized by law enforcement as part of a sex trafficking investigation. The community that had so long relied on it as a source of quality erotic service providers and positive community engagement scattered. Same panicked, some still are, but the community is intact and ok.

At the center of the investigation were Korean women working here in Seattle and the group of men and at least one woman responsible for their management. The facts, as best I know them, are these: a small group of people, mostly clients and members of the review board, formed an association for the sole purpose of aiding the movement of Korean women from Korea to the US and from place to place periodically. This group arranged for apartments to use as the women’s workplaces, scheduling services, advertising services, and screening. The group, calling themselves The League of Gentlemen, were indiscreet in their activities, often meeting in public to discuss their activities and admitting in detail their business model to an undercover detective who had been invited into the group. On January 6, 13 men and one woman were arrested and 12 Korean women were removed from the apartments they worked out of (I think. It was reported by LE that they ‘rescued’ 12 women but it is unclear what happened) and the review board, along with a dedicated ‘K-Girl’ website KgirlDelights, was seized as part of the investigation. There is a very long discussion on TNABoard about the status of the league members and there are a lot of details to wade through but it is clear that they are facing several criminal charges all for promoting prostitution.

Law Enforcement has stated they will release all information to any journalist who submits an information request so anyone who has had an appointment with a ‘K-Girl’ or who gave personal information to anyone involved in the league should take precautions against when, not if, their name is released as a client. I can recommend the services of my personal attorney and would be happy to direct trusted clients to his firm. There is a former prosecutor offering his service to SWOP and to clients but he has much yet to learn about our community.

The narrative from LE is that they rescued women from sexual slavery, daily sexual violence, and emotional and financial abuse by their pimps. The Sex Workers Outreach Project officially told a different story about nosy, racist law enforcement pushing a moral agenda on consenting adult sex workers. My personal thought is that the truth is somewhere in between. It is reasonable for women to choose sex work in the US instead of sex work in Korea. I know that if those were my options I would choose the US and if I spoke little to no English I would need assistance in finding a work place, scheduling clients, etc. Many women choose sex work not because they love it but because it fits their needs better than other work and I respect that. Several providers from that group attended a meet and greet party and admitted to coming here with full knowledge and of her own free will. I suspect they had little control over their client list or their menu of services offered and that doesn’t sit well with me but it’s only a suspicion and disliking your job isn’t the same as being sexually assaulted or forced, defrauded, or coerced. One provider accused the female member of the league of purchasing a debt from Korean mobs and then using threats of violence and coercion to force the provider into sex work. If true, that is despicable and exactly the sort of thing SWOP objects to. They argue that decriminalization will make it easier to separate out genuine cases of force, fraud, and coercion into sex work if those of us who choose it freely are able to operate with minimal interference. On this I have no hard answers, only what would make my life easier and, ideally, free up resources.

Independent providers have not been compromised. Myself and my colleagues laid low for the first few days but it is very clear that, while LE is leaning towards an ‘end demand’ strategy, individual providers are not of interest and it is highly unlikely that we will attract LE attention unless there are complicating factors such as drug use, underage providers, or other risks. Clients can rest assured that their favorite independent providers are still around, still seeing clients, and learning more about digital security systems and such.

That being said, digital security is only the second line of defense. Before LE spends resources investigating someone or something, they need to have something that raises a flag to attract attention. The high number of men entering and leaving the building along with providers who obviously speak little or no English brought attention from the neighbor’s who contacted LE and made the first of many steps connecting the online agencies to real people. LE had known about the board’s existence for years, to the point of attending one or two parties, but had nothing big enough to incite a true investigation. This particular case provided a high profile bust, a lot of seized assets, and the potential for felony convictions instead of simply misdemeanors. The digital trail only provided the evidence to convict, not the motivation to investigate.

This is why I say that digital security is only the second line of defense: the first line of defense is not making yourself a target. If your provider gives you long and detailed instructions, read them and follow them. Don’t wait near her building, wait in your car or at a nearby coffee shop. Don’t knock unless she tells you to. Say hello and goodbye with the door closed. Don’t try to come in until she tells you she’s ready. These are all things we ask you do to decrease the attention we get from our neighbors because neighbors are the first step down a path to trouble.

Back to the community impact: Many of us are left drifting with no appealing options. The Hobby Hunter is Portland based and can raise confusion, though it is a kind and pleasant community. TNABoard has providers and clients that run the gamut from amazing and professional to downright scary and the scary ones tend to be the most vocal/active in the discussions and so the feel of the community is often hostile. I am slowly but surely compiling a list of ladies I know in person or by reputation to be professional and safe but it is no replacement for their own freely given voices. We are working to keep the community alive, however, so don’t give up hope, just stay in touch. I appreciate the continued support of my beloved clients and my community and look forward to what comes of all this turmoil.