Category: Uncategorized

I’ve spent a TON of time lately thinking and talking about precautions around viral transmission. Yes, I’m the one who wrote the big scary STD post ages ago and I STILL think about cross contamination, viral load, exposure risks, etc.

Every breath you exhale carries thousands of micro droplets. Sneezes and coughs carry many more, and larger, droplets as well. Speaking falls somewhere in the middle. Normally we cover coughs and sneezes because those droplets can get, like, visibly and ickily large, and it’s not hard to tuck your face into a sleeve or hankie for a few seconds. We don’t cover our breathing because it’s too uncomfortable to be worth it and we don’t cover our speaking because it’s even more uncomfortable, and makes it much harder for said speaking to be understood.

This virus has changed those priorities because the risks have shifted. It lives longer outside the body and, when contracted, kills more than other airborne viruses we’ve encountered in a very long time. Now we cover our mouths when speaking or breathing in the general vicinity of other people, and limit the chance of any stray droplets reaching our loved ones by staying far enough away that said droplets are unlikely to reach their eyes, noses, or mouths in high enough concentration to establish infection.

Cool. So wearing a cloth face covering, surgical mask, or N95 respirator inside buildings or small spaces makes a huge amount of sense. Droplets are more likely to hang in the air inside a building than outside where air moves much more freely so minimizing them coming out of us is great. Standing six or more feet away from your friends while outside speaking to each other is super helpful in managing the risks of droplet contamination. Also, this virus is highly vulnerable to simple soap and water. Any time you re-enter your home, it’s a good idea to wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water. If you’re very worried, ditto with your groceries and deliveries whenever possible.

These are great ways to limit risk of exposure to this exciting new virus and help protect yourself and those around you.

All of my precautions I take are to protect the people around me. Perhaps I simply haven’t confronted my own mortality yet, but my age and clear health history leads me to believe I am at low risk for hospitalization. Not seeing clients who are in constant contact with the public, seeing clients much less often than usual, social distancing from my friends and family, shopping less frequently and more efficiently, wearing a cloth face covering when doing so… I do these things not to prevent getting COVID-19 but to minimize the chance, if I contract it, of spreading it to my community.

I also suspended my cancellation policy for the first few weeks when there was less information and preparedness than there is now. I heavily encourage anyone who is stressed or paranoid about catching this to just stay home. Families with immune compromised folks? Stay home. Underlying conditions that put you at high risk for hospitalization? Stay home. I’ll feel much better once we see a high number of people successfully vaccinated and being successfully treated in hospitals but until then… if you’re not going to the grocery store, don’t come see me, either.

I was once told that you cannot mitigate all risk and that has stayed with me ever since. If I never took any risks, I wouldn’t have the incredible life I have now. I work in an illegal industry, making intimate contact with new people al the time. I take risks every day, and so do you. We cannot prevent tragedy or disaster by cutting ourselves off from the world, though we can make sensible decisions to limit both the chances of bad things happening and the results should they happen anyway.

So, my beloved darling, when you ask if we can wear canister filter respirators during our appointment, I say no. Because that tells me that you either understand how they work and are only interested in protecting yourself, or you don’t know how they work which is even worse. I adore you, and I would love to see you, and I will wait until I can kiss you without instilling fear in your heart. Because what we do here is loving, gentle, connected, and I would be failing you if I agreed to contaminate that with fear.

If you’re comfortable going to the grocery store and shopping during busy hours, you can feel comfortable that, though the degree of contact you and I make is much deeper, it is also contact I am making with many fewer folks. I leave it up to your to weigh your need for human touch and a drop of normalcy against your health concerns, and to make adjustments you see fit. I already trust you to make smart health decisions. That has not changed.

Now. For the ranting.

We’ve gone over why we wear face coverings, right? It’s (mostly) to protect those around you. So why are people wearing them alone in their cars with the windows up!?!?!! Who are you protecting!!!??! I just… I suppose if your hands are contaminated and you don’t want to touch it but you will when you get home…. ok, that kinda makes sense. And delivery drivers, totally. But you’re alone inside your own vehicle!! Why are you wearing a mask!?!

And on the other hand: Why, you absolute moron, did you pull your face covering OFF YOUR FACE to LEAN IN and SPEAK to the poor guy behind the cheese counter!?!??!! Speaking is WAY worse than simply breathing, and you were wearing your hankie while you shopped. WHY DID YOU TAKE IT OFF!!%&$??@!# If that’s how you’re going to wear it, just don’t wear it at all and make it clear to the rest of us to steer clear.

And then there’s: walking into the center of a street in order to keep social distance between us *while wearing masks and jogging OUTSIDE with the breeze blowing*!?!!? You’d rather risk getting hit by car in order to keep 12 feet between us than simply hold your breath for the single second it will take to pass me 4 feet away and reach the fresh air on the other side of me? Do you even understand fluid dynamics and air flow? WTF people!?

And the crown jewel: A provider who feels that wearing a mask during an appointment with a client affords her meaningful protection. As if spending 30+ minutes breathing heavily in the same small, badly ventilated space is going to be magically mitigate by a wisp of fabric. Fabric face coverings work by limiting the potential of one person receiving a high enough viral load from the other to cause infection. But unless you’re both wearing a type of mask that forms a seal against the face and filters out particulate, the amount of time and type of interaction you’re having makes that a futile gesture. You know how everyone is complaining about fogging up their glasses while wearing masks? Yeah. That’s all contaminated air that, without good ventilation or filtering, just hangs out in the air. Even if she wears her N95 mask, unless the client is, too, as soon as she takes it off and takes a deep breath there goes her protection. You also have switch out masks regularly in order to maintain their effectiveness which is why washable fabric is so highly recommended right now. That and the heavier duty single use stuff is going to people who need it more.

I’m not upset at people taking precautions, I’m upset at people taking precautions THAT AREN’T EFFECTIVE. It tells me that they aren’t taking the time to understand why hey wear a mask or keep their distance, they’re just blindly following orders. For the same reason I HATE pedestrians who don’t look both ways before stepping into a crosswalk, I get angry at people improperly using their PPE. I love that someone walked to a marked intersection and waited for the light to change. But a crosswalk, much like a mask, isn’t a force field. It as flaws and often fails. Someone wearing a mask, alone, in their car, is someone who went to the trouble to walk to a crosswalk and then didn’t bother to look before crossing. Sure, they’re probably fine and it’s better than crossing without looking *not* at a crosswalk, but I’ll just be over here, crossing mostly at crosswalks but occasionally in the middle of the street, and obsessively looking both ways the whole time. I’ll be wearing my cloth face covering when it’s most effective, and making other decisions designed to protect my community while still maintaining a degree of normalcy when possible.

I have many things. When I desire new things, I generally purchase them for myself without worrying. However, there are occasions where what I want and what I feel comfortable purchasing are not the same thing. Hopefully you can help me there.

Here I will list, when I find them, things that intrigue me, things I would love to own, consumer, or otherwise experience, that are beyond my means.

She knelt between my thighs as I lay down, listening intently to my instructions. “Slow in and out. The moment of penetration is the most stimulating, the stretch as it gets wider again and again.”

She watched carefully, slipping the long black silicone cock into me and out again, listening for words and sounds of encouragement. She went too deep once or twice, too fast for a moment, but sooner than I thought possible she found the perfect rhythm.

As she used her cock to fuck me slowly, I closed my eyes and went to work on my clit. My fetish is cum; cocks coming in, on, or near me revs my engine so that’s what I thought of first. Then I got curious and brought to mind the image of her riding me, dripping on me, coming on me slippery and sticky and smelling like pussy.

Turns out I am a gender inclusive cum slut, hahaha!

Between the rhythmic stretch as the head of her cock slipped out and in again, my own practiced fingertips, and this startlingly effective visualization, I went from not particularly aroused to orgasm faster than I have ever done before. Of course there was all that foreplay so my *mind* was primed, but I can’t even make myself come that fast.

Props to you, my dear. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to return the favor this time but I have a hunch that next time we meet, at least someone is going to give you that orgasm we missed today.

About the title:

I find it amusing to make fun of the way society likes to view people like me; people who do what I do or things similar. In this particular case, I’m making fun of the way I used to feel about people in porn. The first pornographic video I watched was a tear streaming throat fucking video. I was repulsed and pitied the girl for something that she so clearly disliked.

Then I started having sex and met other people who do, too. I realized that some things I didn’t think I’d like are actually pretty great and others I thought I’d love are not my jam. Also that there’s no sexual thing out there that *someone* doesn’t like. The phrase ‘cum dumpster’ is derogatory but it accurately describes one of my most arousing fantasies. To be tied (in a comfortable and stable position, with an attendant for my comfort and safety, preferably on a bit of adjustable height furniture for the comfort of my lovers) down and held helpless as cock after cock cums in or on my pussy. Not that they run a train and fuck me until they come, no. This is bukkake plain and simple. Except not on my face. To see and feel a constant stream of hot, sticky orgasms is… well, let’s just say I’m feeling myself respond even as I write this.

I found my realization, that the image of women coming *also* aroused me like that, was fun. A pleasurable expansion of my sexual repertoire. The phrase and it’s very filthiness amused me so I used it. Plus cum dumpster has a more pleasing semirhyme to it than cum slut.

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

I know I am not the only one to have ever experienced this terrifying voice in the corner (and sometimes the very center) of your mind. The doubter that suggests you’re not qualified for the position you hold. In some cases this voice can be crippling but in mine, it spurs me. Usually.

Not a day goes by that I don’t remember how well my life suits me, how much freedom and pleasure I enjoy, how (I think) I’m helping folks learn and grow in their bodies, and that it could all come crashing down around my ears at any moment. Every day, or at least every few days, I wonder when my upward momentum will reach exhaustion and begin coming back down. Given all the mediocrity and downright misery in the world, who am I to deserve such joy?

So I try to justify it. I read and write and try to exercise enough to make me feel that I’ve earned my place. I take classes and process information and synthesize it and still I’m pretty sure it isn’t enough. I often seek assurance from close friends that I am actually as good as I think I am and they tell me where I am strong and where I can keep working. And yet the voice never quite quiets.

And yet… My conversations with Betty brought me a strange peace. She asked me: what if I were enough? What would my life look like if I didn’t have to overextend myself and constantly earn others’ approval? At first I tried to give concrete answers but after several unsatisfactory attempts, all I could sob out was that I “just want people to like me!”

After that conversation, two hours that ended, as they always do, in heavy, sobbing, cathartic tears, my imposter syndrome shifted from deeply personal to academic. Something that no longer dragged me into ‘yes’s I didn’t mean but instead informed my decisions to move forward or not, as needed to address legitimate shortcomings. Instead of pressuring myself into tolerating things that stressed me, I can choose to tolerate, or not, as I see fit, without that added layer of guilt or shame.

Though I have not lost my constant sense of faking compentence, it no longer controls me.

Have you ever asked yourself these questions? What if you were enough? What if your passion and curiosity and insecurity were enough to open doors and lead you to greater things? What if learning and growth were choices you made for yourself instead of choices made for you by that doubting voice? What if you made decisions based on what it useful and good instead of on what you think you have to do to keep the illusion? What would that look like?

I get together with my girlfriends sometimes and we talk shop. Things come up, usually just small pet peeves, but also deeper thoughts on our work, how it impacts us, how we can do it better, and how to solve problems.

A week or so ago, I was sitting around chatting and the conversation turned to breaking boundaries. Not when clients do it, but when we do. When, in an FBSM session, I let you taste me or, when in a mutual touch session, we have sex. When the moment moves us to share more than we should because it feels right. In the moment

The three of us agreed that it never ends well, not because we regret the moment or the passion, but because it nearly always leads to unmet expectations. When I’m deep in the middle of a conversation and can’t help but bleed over time, when the call of an orgasm is stronger than the will to deny it, it sets up an expectation for the next time. Or if not the very next time, then one somewhere in the nebulous future.

Though we all agreed, it wasn’t in some sort of female solidarity over men, it was with a sense of sorrow. We three adore our work and our clients and regret that we cannot allow ourselves the freedom of the moment. Nearly every time we break or bend the boundaries, eventually the client provider relationship suffers.

Never right away. The appreciation and feeling of pride lasts a while most of the time. Then the client starts to wonder if it will ever happen again. Then follow feelings of insecurity, of desire, of rejection… Sometimes, with self awareness and communication, these feelings can be headed off soon enough to maintain the relationship. All three of us have lost clients, beloved regulars who fill us with warmth and pleasure, to this trap.

We all slip sometimes. We make mistakes and go too far and wish we didn’t have to regret it. We can forgive ourselves and try to do better the next time around. I don’t regret the times I’ve let excitement carry me away. I only regret the fallout.

So if your provider allows you a bit farther than they are supposed to into their world, I hope you appreciate it for what it is and let it stand on it’s own. All three of us, talented, experienced, incredibly sensuous women, agreed that, were our clients to allow these moments to stand as they are, without letting them inspire future desire, we would feel a much greater sense of freedom in our work.

I wish this to be an inspiration for my readers. An inspiration to appreciate and adore without demanding more. Without asking. Accept your gift, freely given, and cherish it. When you find yourself expecting more and wishing for it, I encourage you to remind yourself that what you have is enough. If the reminder rings hollow and you realize that it is not, thank your provider for opening your eyes, and make changes where they are needed.

Getting started in independent full service sex work is super easy. The trick is being safe and doing it well.

To see a client tonight, all a girl needs to do is:

• Get a burner app on your phone
• Take some photos with your phone, a nice camera if you have one
• Google ‘escorts in [your city]’ and post an ad on whichever ad platform from the first page of results you can get on most easily
• Answer your phone

With an hour of work you can, theoretically, see your first client that day and make instant money. It won’t be much and you’re going to be less safe without screening, but if you need cash fast, the only faster way to get into sex work is to put on a short skirt and high heels and walk your local strip late at night. I strongly advise against trying either of the above suggestions. Rushing into sex work is a bad idea; a lot of things can go wrong and desperation breeds carelessness. There is a class of clients that thrive on desperate sex workers and it is not a pleasant class. The above suggestions are the best ways to find them.

With a week’s lead time, you can add what I would consider the rest of the absolute must haves to be a basic escort. In order to see your first client within a week, you would need to:

• Get a proton mail email address, cheap phone in cash from the drug store, and a free wix, weebly, wordpress, or other website using a fake name. You’ll want a day or two to write web copy, I suggest reading other escort’s websites for ideas.
• While you’re thinking about that, you’ll want to go down the list of google search results from earlier and sign up for every single one you can. This will take time and often involves verifying your identity and/or age. This is something you can choose not to do, you’ll just want to weigh the risks against the rewards of each individual ad platform. I have a spreadsheet with all the ad platforms I’m on to help me keep them straight.
• Once you’ve gotten your ad or ads up, you’ll start getting inquiries. They often come slow at first. Even now I still only see about one new person per week. Building a client base can take over a year so don’t get frustrated.

This is where rubber meets the road. How do you know which inquiries are real? How do you screen new clients so you can be a little more sure you’ll be safe? How do you say no to unreasonable requests when the offer of several hundred dollars is so tempting? How do you deal with time wasters and no-shows? How do you encourage clients to book more time or come back again soon?

Some of this just comes with time. Our bullshit meters get more finely tuned all the time but right at first, it’s easy to get stars in your eyes and put up with extremely uncomfortable things because you’re getting paid. You’re going to wade through a ton of crap. There is a class of client that smells fresh meat and will do all they can to get as much as possible out of you for as little as possible. It’s best if you can avoid these guys but sometimes you can’t or don’t and that’s ok. They won’t usually hurt you, they’ll just be demoralizing. Experience will teach you a lot. Some of us learn to manage or avoid bad clients faster than others. It helps to remember that this is on-the-job training and you’re getting paid quite well for it.

Some of this whole client management thing is common sense. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If a request is incredibly elaborate and you haven’t actually met the client yet, it’s probably not going to happen. If someone no-shows once, they’ll definitely do it again. I take people at face value but create hurdles that only a serious inquirer will jump. I’ve also put policies in place that allow me to not be angry, simply follow through on my policies. If the client doesn’t like it, they don’t have to comply but if they don’t, I don’t have to see them again.

Though I can’t tell you how to filter out every bit of junk you’ll encounter, I can help you stay SAFE. The simplest way to stay safe is to only see clients who come with references. References require no technical skill to get and are the equivalent of you receiving a review from a client: not a promise of future good behavior, but at least a record of being safe, clean, arriving on time, and paying in full. It’s a way for providers to help watch out for each other and it’s a well known system in the US.

To get a reference, you ask the potential client for two or three other providers that can vouch for them, their email addresses, and their websites. You’ll want to check them out, see if they’ve been around a while or if it’s all new girls (possible fake providers the client created), see if they seem to know what they’re doing, and in the meantime learn who your colleagues are. Once you’ve verified that the references are really providers, you send them an email politely introducing yourself and giving the client’s name, phone if you have it, and email address. Ask if they’ve seen the client and if so, were they a client the provider would be willing to see again. Thank them profusely when they reply, no matter what the answer is.

If their answer is no or negative or makes you not see the client for any reason, DO NOT tell the client they got a bad reference. You can say their references didn’t get back to you, you can say you found them on a blacklist somewhere, you can say you decided against it based on their email address, anything you can think of, but never out a provider as having given a negative reference. At best it can let the client know how to get around someone else’s screening, at worst you can put the other lady’s safety at risk.

You will eventually get a sense for what a real, good client sounds like and what crappy ones do and should be able to hone your alternative screening methods, but until then figure out who your peer group is and thank them. Thank them and follow up if the client behaved badly. Sometimes clients will use the same reference to see many new ladies and will treat the new girls badly. Unless their reference knows, it might not end for a long time. Be professional, be polite, be reasonable, and learn as much as you can.

If you choose to offer real world information screening, please be careful with the client’s information. Encrypt your forms and your email, delete what you don’t need, and never, ever use the info irresponsibly. In cases of rape, robbery, and assault, yes, seek legal action and pull no punches, but think twice before going after someone just for being a jerk.

I’m not going to give any advice on real world screening because I don’t recommend it for newbies. Until you have a plan in place to use that info, it’s useless anyway and that’s something you’ll learn later.

Ok. You have a website, an email address, and a phone number, none of which have your legal name on them. You have some ads up in some places, paid or otherwise, verified or not, depending. You can accept and give references, and you’re getting client inquiries that are turning into real appointments. Now what.

Outcall only is going to be the cheapest and easiest way to meet clients. With outcall, theres a higher risk of getting caught in a sting or meeting an unsafe client. They are more at home in their homes so you MUST have a safe call person who actually worries. They will have the client’s address, name when possible, and know when you are supposed to arrive and when you are supposed to leave. They will call you five minutes after your appointment ends and if after three attempts you don’t pick up, they will send the cops.

This is a case of do as I say, not as I do, because I used to go overtime on my calls all the time. My safe call person knew my tendency and it worried them to no end but we never actually called the cops. This was a bad idea for several reasons which you are welcome to explore for yourself if you wish.

Cops like doing stings in hotel rooms. If you are arranging an outcall with a client you have not met before, even if they come with good references, do not answer any questions involving money or sexual acts. It’s frustrating as hell that you can’t talk about, say, doing anal, before your appointment, or even after you arrive, because it’s a pretty common upsell but it’s a very good way for you to get convicted. You’ll never avoid being arrested if you end up seeing an officer, but it’s not illegal to have sex with strangers, and it’s not illegal to get paid to come hang out with someone. Your best strategy to avoid actually getting charged with prostitution and/or getting that charge taken all the way to court is to shut your mouth. If your client asks how much extra it is for anal, or how much it is for an hour, oh and does that include oral, or what do you do, or what are your do’s and don’ts… all of those are questions designed to get you to agree to a specific act for a specific dollar amount. The best answer to any of those questions is a kiss and a smile.

Also, check your local laws to see if officers are allowed to finish a session in the course of their investigation. In some places it’s illegal but in many places you can get arrested by someone who you’ve seen several times. Just be aware.

That’s outcall. Incall is better in some ways and worse in others. You won’t entirely avoid all risk of stings in an incall, but you do cut down on the chances, and it gives you so much more control over ingress and egress, the vibe of the space, comfort, consistency, and it’s the number one thing that will get you your regular repeat clients. You can be the absolute best provider of all time but if your clients can’t come to you, many will see you a lot less often. The biggest downside is the financial commitment. Even if you’re only renting a hotel room for the night, it’s still a decent chunk of change that you won’t get back if your client flakes on you.

I prefer an apartment to hotels because I can spread my client load out to where it’s comfortable. Sure, it’s a high monthly commitment, but even if you only get one client per day, five days a week, there’s a good apartment paid for. Also lugging all my stuff around sounds like a nightmare.

It’s incredibly common to share a space. Two providers in one apartment can support the rent on a decent, convenient place and still stay low enough volume to avoid attracting attention and keep themselves healthy and happy. Three appointments in a day, total, is a good cap for an apartment incall. In a hotel you could get away with more than that, particularly in the evenings when foot traffic is high.

Now you’ve got a way for clients to find you, a way for them to contact you, and a place for them to see you… how to give them a good time and keep them coming back?

That’s on you. The basics: be on time, be clean, render services as advertised… those are easy. If you’re a 7/10 and you can do those things, you’re already in the 50th percentile. You will have clients, maybe not oodles of them, but they’ll be there and they’ll get consistent after a while and you’ll learn with time how to avoid and/or kick out the crappy ones.

Other thoughts for new girls:

We’ve established that anyone can make it in this business. With enough time and hard work, anyone can establish a heavy client load and high rates. How much time and hard work it takes depends on many things, some you can control, many you can’t.

Age. Younger women attract more clients. In my opinion the ideal age is 24-32 for appealing to the widest range of clients but the realistic age range for a successful full service sex worker is 21 to around 55. Too young and you only attract the worst clients, too old and the pool of potential clients starts to shrink. I know successful ladies both younger and older than that but they have to work a LOT harder and they see a lot more bullshit.

Size. Small girls, both short and slim, tend to attract a larger client pool. Everyone knows this, it shouldn’t be a surprise. That said, slim in this industry looks a lot different than it does in pop culture. At 5’1” and 135 pounds, I’m considered athletic, slim, and I’m just barely too big to be a ‘spinner.’ There is a niche for every body type, but the niche for athletic/slim is bigger than most of the rest. The vast majority of the successful ladies I know would not fit in on the cover of a magazine.

Attractiveness. Again, it’s all about the client pool. Most clients care more about who you are than what your face looks like but it helps to have the face. Most of us hide our faces in our advertising anyway and it’s rare for a client to leave after they arrive unless you’re clearly not the person in the pictures or you’re an absolute troll. And even then, makeup and marketing can make a huge difference.

Race. In the US and in many other places, unfortunately, white girls have the upper hand. The client pool for a black or brown provider is going to be both smaller and more likely to fetishize race. It’s not going to keep you from success, it’s just going to take more time and hard work. Which is fucked up, but it’s important to know.

Rates. The more expensive you are, the smaller your client pool. There’s a sweet spot for everyone where you attract enough of the right kind of client to keep you happy. There’s a rate at which you’ll attract cheap bargain hunters and repel people who are looking for ‘class’, whatever that means to them. There’s a rate at which the vast majority of clients will simply not be able to afford to see you. Somewhere in the middle is a rate that keeps out the riff riff but welcomes regular visitors.

Smarts. You don’t have to have book learning to be a successful escort but it helps to have world experience. Travel, read, get involved in your community, give your kids their best life, go to concerts, eat good food, take classes… longer appointments involve a lot of talking and if you’ve got nothing to say, those longer appointments come few and far between.

If you are a 50 year old, big beautiful black woman who is dumb as a box of rocks and asking 1000/hour, there will be clients out there for you, but you’re going to have to work your ass off to find them. If you are a 23 year old petite white girl with two years of world travel and a degree asking 100/hour, you’re going to be drowning in mediocre dick. And I would tell both of you you were idiots. Find your sweet spot and when you feel comfortable, don’t budge. When you’re uncomfortable, make changes.

I wish I had known:

When I got started, I should have started my mailing list and newsletter right away. Three years of email addresses and amazing clients I have no way of reaching now because I didn’t manage their information. Having a blog has done more to add legitimacy to my practice than any reviews, which is good since they’re mostly gone now. My twitter feed and reddit account get me a client now and again but I feel they’re more useful as secondary legitimizing agents than primary advertising platforms. Although with things going the way they are, who knows.

I take out the bathroom trash in between (most) appointments and extinguish the candles so each client doesn’t feel the presence of the last, whether they are two days or two hours removed. Everyone gets a glass of water, a how do you do, thank you, and a lingering goodbye. Everyone is sincerely enjoyed, in one way or another. Everyone is special, is fun, is a different kind of pleasurable. Everyone is served in a different way. You’re going to meet a huge range of people, weird and spectacular, and if you don’t have an open mind and the ability to respond dynamically to new circumstances, you may end up with a very short career.

If you can’t take this blog and book your first appointment within a month, then this probably isn’t a good industry for you, or at least it’s not the right time. There is a boldness required to enter an illegal and highly personal industry. Very few of us had a blog post or a manual when we got started, we just googled a lot and read some vague books, looked at websites or started with an agency. We fucked up a bunch and learned by trial and error. No one told us to make sure we get a .ch url and a proton mail account, that the ‘touch check’ for law enforcement is a myth, that we should screen a certain way. No one stood there telling us we’re good enough, we’re worth it, that we can still do better. No one else is going to do that for you. This work can be isolating. It’s highly stigmatized no matter where you live and it’s going to make the pool of people willing to date you much, much smaller. You’ll probably trust the wrong people once or twice and you’ll probably get scared a few times, but if this is something you’re made for, you’ll know.

Some of my thoughts and advice won’t work for anyone and most of it won’t work for everyone. Some of these things are hard to hear but I don’t think it’s fair to only talk about how easy and great it is. It isn’t easy to do it well and it’s not always great. But if you can read this and take the leap, it could be the start of an amazing adventure.

Clients: feel free to share this when it seems appropriate. I’ll be linking to it whenever it seems right and hoping it helps.

Have you ever seen a mom in the supermarket, looking at whole grain oatmeal, with a six or seven year old child tugging at her sleeve? Mom! Mom!

She’s used to it so she usually ignores it but this time she says ‘what do you want sweetie?’ The toddler is begging for a family sized box of name brand sugary cereal.

“Mom can I have it?”

“No, kiddo, sorry.”

“Pleeeeeeease, mom?”

“No.”

“But moooom, I want it!”

“I know, sweetheart, but it’s too big, it’s too expensive, and there’s too much sugar in it.”

“What if I get a smaller box?”

“It’s still too expensive and there’s still too much sugar in it.”

“But I’d really like it. I promise I’ll be good if you get it for me.”

“I expect you to be good whether I get it for you or not.”

“I’ll be good.”

“Ok, if you can find a smaller box that isn’t a name brand so it’s not as expensive and make sure sugar is third or lower on the list of ingredients you can get a box of cereal.”

“But I wanted THIS ONE.”

“That’s enough! We are not buying any cereal at all and I’m putting back your pop tarts.”

“But mooooom! Why are you being so mean to me?”

Sooo, yeah. That was me today. Apparently some boys just never get past seven years of age.

It’s funny because I don’t mind a certain amount of persistence, maybe one or two follow ups making sure I’ve got things straight and there’s no confusion, but there is nothing quite as baffling as “are you sure” as a follow up to “I’m not available.” Like… what? Why wouldn’t I be sure? It’s *my* schedule and *my* life I’m working with. Particularly if it’s a day-of request. I don’t know what people are expecting when they ask me if I’m sure. As if I’ll suddenly be like “omg I’m totally *not* sure that I’m currently on vacation and have no access to an incall right now and am two hours away from you. I’m not sure at all! Let me check.” Or that I will check and realize that everything in my life is a lie and I *am* in fact currently sitting on my thumbs with my table set up, makeup done, coconut oil all melted, and hot towels at the ready instead of with my partner at home depot in a sweat stained tank top. I’m so glad you checked so I could realize that I was totally clueless as to my own daily experience!

These are the things I don’t understand. That incredibly well prepared, kind, and respectful clients stress over being good enough while the octopi bro-dudes who hear every variation of ‘no’ I can think of in an hour get *SO* surprised when I refuse to see them again. WTF is up with the world that conscientious folks have to ask if they’re allowed to come back while the worst of the worst are baffled at their 86?

I cannot believe that an adult human could be so ignorantly persistent, dodging requests for screening info, inviting me to ‘meet half way’ to Spokane (Like, at a rest stop? wtf?), using the dreaded phrase ‘are you sure?’ and then be confused and upset when I ask them to cease all contact. Sigh. Of course this is simply to vent. I’m sure he’s either a very nice young man or some 12 year old wasting my time. Either way, my frustrations are simply that: mine.

 

 

 

 

Post Script: I wrote this some time ago and have since let it sit and bubble to make sure when I published it, it was in good fun and not in anger. I wrote it because I was annoyed and didn’t want to give the subject of my irritation the satisfaction of knowing how annoyed I was without getting some mileage out of it and hopefully giving you, my dear sweet reader, a chance to laugh with me. I have to shake my head and laugh a bit ruefully and remind myself to leave it to Rose. Rose who takes no shit and gives none, either. Rose who spends her warmth on kind regular visitors and holds an iron core for the rest. Thank you Rose, thank you readers, thank you regulars, and thank you little Timmy, for providing such entertainment and inspiration, ha!

Tax Season, I mean. Corralling documents, shuffling money to the right accounts, waiting with bated breath for the accountant to reply…. done. All over.

The rain is gone for now, the sun is shining, my life is filling back up again with friends and volunteer opportunities, and my trips out to Eastern Washington are beginning. And it’s about time. My trip to Hawaii in January only delayed the inevitable; I’ve spent much of the last three months in the doldrums, spa days and sweet gentlemen only barely staving off ennui.

But no longer! As my days fill up again, the lifeblood of summer travel brings us back to each other again and again. By september I’ll have forgotten the entire month’s income I had to sign away to Uncle Sam, the slow, sad passing of grey, clod days. I’ll be ready for the season of warm fires and long books.

Until then, Welcome summer and so long, tax season!

Nothing puts me in a black mood like gray weather. Seattle, again, has teased us with a few beautiful weeks of sunny, very nearly warm weather in February and early March, then turned her back on us like the capricious vixen that she is. Over the last week we’ve seen hot sun and icy rain both in the same day. I’m over it!!

I’ve actually been keeping my curtains drawn and my blinds down to shut out the wan light and make room for the warm buttery gold of the lighting in here. With a few candles lit, scattered low lighting around the room, the heater turned up, and a hot cup of tea in your hands it’s easy to leave the chilly drizzle behind.

The kind of rain Seattle rains doesn’t deter me. I’m a huge fan of using my own two feet to get me where I’m going. If it’s misting, I walk through it. If it’s pouring, I step under an awning and glare moodily for a few minutes until it stops.

My friend in Hawaii says it’s not been much better there, even, and I don’t want to go visit the desert just to get away from the gross weather. So here I sit, in my cozy chair, trying to keep my spirits up. Yesterday that looked like a lively pilates class and some warm snuggling. Today it’ll be an invigorating massage and an hour or so at the spa, heating it up in soothing silence as steam wraps itself around me and drips off my body.

I hope you’re in the same mood. My place up high, overlooking the city, is warm and pleasant and delightfully devoid of cold wet. Only warm wet, here.