Well in hand

I had some spare time the other day and thought it might be time for some nice one-handed reading. My consumption of pornographic material is eclectic and intermittent so I’m still learning what is and isn’t out there. The problem isn’t so much finding it as it is wading through it to find what I’m looking for.

There are two problems with written porn: either it’s awful but it works or it’s really good but doesn’t work. Meaning it’s badly written but explicit and packed tightly enough with graphic sex that it gets and keeps me aroused even while rolling my eyes at run on sentences and broken phrasing or it’s beautiful writing, full of rich characterization and elegant syntax but the sexy bits are either too euphemistic, too few and far between, or too brief to actually get me off.

Even my own has these problems: I want it to be good writing and consent is important so I spend so much time outlining the story that when I go back and read it when I’m horny, it’s useless.

But I have a couple hours and I’m bored so I try anyway.

So I’m poking around the Internet for erotica and the first place I go is literotica. As I said, my consumption is low so I go to what I know is out there. I’m perusing the lists and I think maybe I should try the best stories, as voted on by the audience. Well, most of them are ‘sex people: chapter 13’ or ‘other sex people: part 35’ and of course they’re not in order so I can’t find one I like. So I restrict myself to standalone stories, hoping I’ll find something sex-packed, and the very first one I come across falls into category two: beautiful, lovely, totally useless as a masturbatory aid.

But it’s a good story so by the time I realize it’s not very sexy, I’m invested, and it’s short, so I read it all the way through.

It was a beautiful love story of two high school sweethearts growing up, raising children, and dying together. I ended up crying. I came here to get my labia wet, not my lashes!


Thus ends the saga of my failed attempt at some afternoon delight. A crying girl isn’t even sexy to herself so, mood broken, I did laundry instead. First world provider problems indeed.