I haven’t been to the aquarium in ages so I was delighted when one of my beloved patrons suggested a trip as a way to spend some time between the bedroom and the dinner table.

I have mixed feelings about animals in captivity. On the one hand, the Seattle Aquarium works almost exclusively with rehabilitated animals or those born in captivity, particularly birds and mammals. Their salmon hatchery is small but educational, and they only keep their octopuses for a few months before returning them to the wild.

On the other, the Dolphinarium in Puerto Aventuras had a fully grown sea lion in an enclosure smaller than my apartment. And if you didn’t otherwise need to be convinced that keeping charismatic mega fauna is inherently inhumane, you must have missed the nation’s collective  binge watch of Tiger King.*

But an aquarium is populated largely by invertebrates and otherwise relatively low needs creatures. Their internal worlds, as far as we can tell, are small and so it seems so much less cruel to keep them in (well maintained) tanks. In fact, it seems quite the opposite. In a world full of predators, offering simple prey animals a sanctuary, and feeding predators relatively easy meals, is kind of like offering them an early retirement.

While I did enjoy the afternoon (it turned into a gorgeous day and the outdoor sections became a pleasure to linger in), I felt a snag or two, watching the fur seals and the river otters doing laps, bored off their cute furry asses. I know they wouldn’t survive in the wild, being either rescued or captive bred, and that helps me feel better. It also helps that the staff are dedicated not just to the physical health of the animals, but also to offering them enrichment and amusement, just like we do with our pets at home.

But no amount of sea otters feeding and harbor seals hamming for the tourists** kept me from returning to my favorite exhibit.

The Cuttlefish

Cuttle fish are not fish, they are cephalopods, related to Octopuses and squids. And they. Are. Awesome.

Seattle Aquarium has seven (that I found.) There are two near the seahorses, down low where the little uns can see them, and they are the more colorful ones. Their resting mantle colors are vivid blues and purples and yellows, but they change them at the drop of a hat. They can also change the texture of their skin, smoothing out or projecting spikes to blend in and hide or stand out and threaten.

Though the vivid ones were pretty, they’r tucked into a small corner, and the two were in neighboring tanks, unable to interact with one another.

Moving to the next room, we found a tank with five all together, and at adult eye level. This species is called Sepia bandensis and has a far less vibrant mantle. And their inter… cuttle-al? interpersonal interactions were SO COOL to watch. They mostly hang out under their little rocks, blending in so perfectly that at first I only counted three. While we watched, they came out and slowly, glacially, had a little tiff.

I think it was two males and a female, because one stayed low to the ground, her skin color and texture changing so slowly I almost didn’t notice it, while the other two jockeyed for proximity. They flashed from white to so purple they were almost black, spikes jutting from their skin and then smoothing out. The one in the middle showed his angry black top side to his rival as his underside, the side facing the female, was a reassuring white. As they moved around each other, like a sitcom rendered in silent ballet, their colors strobed, flashed, bled from one to the next, telegraphing meaning in an instant.

The subtleties of color and the speed with which they changed it, slow sometimes, when adjusting camouflage, lighting fast when telling someone else to piss off, are myriad. The color changes are controlled by a special type of cell that (called a chromatophore) they have instant and total mastery of starting at birth. Well, hatching. They come from lil eggs. They’re so cute!!

And how cute are they, anyway!?! Their eyes are at the transition point between their fat, oval little bodies and their short tentacles. Depending on which way they’re approaching you, they might look like they have an enormous fat nose and a teeny tiny little body, or they might look like they have a big round belly while their face is long and skinny. When their tentacles are all together, it looks like a long nose and a slightly disapproving face, but when they open their tentacles for whatever reason, they suddenly become a chibi Cthulhu, their small stature preventing any real scare factor from their tentacle ringed maw. Their motile fin is incredibly thin and encircles their bodies, a gossamer fluttering tutu.

And the best part? When they’re near the ocean floor, they take their bottom two tentacles and use them like little leggies! They’re buoyant, so the legs walk in a kind of astronaut slo mo effect as they wander to and fro.

At the end of our leisurely walking tour, after cruising the mammal tanks and swimming with the whales in virtual reality, we had enough time to revisit one exhibit and I chose cuttlefish.

The love triangle seemed to have cooled off for now and all five little smushy water dirigibles hid in their rocks, indistinguishable from their surroundings.

I don’t know which one it was. Maybe it was the female (I didn’t read until later that you can count their tentacles to discern male from female), maybe it was one of the observers to the delicate dance battle. No matter, one of them broke away from her stony hiding place and slowly, slowly approached the glass. She moved to the opposite side of the window, her little tenticlegs cautiously bringing her my direction. Finally, she settled across from me, mere centimeters of glass separating our noses, and we watched each other.

It’s almost impossible to know, and definitely to remember, what her mantle told me. She was in full camouflage, instinctively hiding her soft, tiny body from potential predators. He skin was mottled cream and brown and almost black, protrusions breaking up her silhouette, blending her into the gravel. And yet, she made small, subtle changes, strobing soft stripes that moved from head to toe, or from eye to forehead? It’s hard to tell what the equivalent would be. Her spikes sometimes softened at the tips, just a bit.

For a moment, nothing moved and no one else existed. I looked directly into her W shaped eye and wondered if she was thinking what I was thinking. What is this creature? This mute, bizarrely sized, caged creature. Did she know she was the one behind bars and not me? Was she wondering if I knew that I am me? Was she observing me, wondering about me, just as I was? And did she have the better life? Ostensibly free of stress, free of wondering about higher meanings or your impact on the planet, well fed and housed with stimulating neighbors, was she happier than me? Was I on the wrong side of the glass?

It’s a hard concept to accord any weight, later, over steaks and wine and gratuitous desserts. Cuttlefish don’t have orgasms, as far as we know, and their tongues are not for tasting, or for pleasure. Their lives are short and fraught, ruled by instincts and unable to know the wider world.

But it’s no harm to wonder, in both senses of the word. To wonder at my assumptions and ask questions of the world, and to wonder at this world of light and color and diversity and pain and majesty.

My thanks are often general, addressed to the many, many people who have helped me craft my life as it is, as I like it. But today I have the privilege of thanking one person. The wondrous gent who shared my joy, watching her watching me watching her, who conjured for me a day at the aquarium without knowing just how perfect it would be.

Thank you.

*To be fair, I missed it, too, but Didn’t miss the messaging.

**The river otters and the fur seals may have seemed kind of bored, but the harbor seals sure looked a lot like they were having fun interacting with visitors. They’d bump up against the glass right in front of someone, or boop face first into it at low speed. They played with each other, and took care to rest where people could see them clearly. Also they are one hundred percent adorable, and they’re a pretty sedentary species anyway.

Forget Not, the Bathroom Gods

My washing machine has been leaking. I don’t remember when I first noticed, but I’ve run laundry with a towel on the floor for a few weeks now. I’m a procrastinator, but the accumulation of other maintenance needs finally got me asking for help. Two days later, to my relief, I have a spanking new washer drum to handle a backlog of laundry.

While I am not exactly excited to do laundry, I am pleased with myself at a series of tasks completed today and the prospect of still greater achievement. I have exercised, I have journaled, I have updated my planner, I am early to work, and it’s a duo no less. I know exactly how I will spend my afternoon and I am certain that by the end of the day, my sense of self satisfaction and accomplishment will only have grown.

Imagine my surprise when, freshly showered, anointing myself for my date, relaxed and a bit dreamy, I step into a puddle on my floor.

I’m not supposed to have puddles on my floor anymore. I am annoyed. I’ll have to call maintenance this afternoon. I toss a towel in front of the washer. The towel is immediately soaked. I am no longer annoyed. I am now nervous.

I take one, two, three breaths, watching the floor, realizing that whatever this is, this isn’t my usual leak. The water is spreading rapidly. In several directions.

As I move into action, pulling every towel I have ever hoarded out of cupboard and closet, I think. How do I stop the water? Should I call maintenance now? No way maintenance can get anything done in a half hour. Should I cancel my appointment? When is Phryne supposed to get here? Do I have enough towels? Shit, it’s gone under the wall. If I wring them out in the tub, I think I can reuse them. Should I put clothes on? Oh dear lord you idiot, you can just turn off the damn washer. No, you’re not an idiot, you’re just panicking. Gross! What the hell is coming out from behind my washing machine? Now I have to wash the tub. I hope that’s Phryne knocking on my door. Shit! Shit! Shit! How does maintenance know my washer’s overflowing!!! Thank fuck. They’re here for the other thing.


Oh dear god. I’m still naked.

Only two minutes after the intended start time, al(most al)l the evidence of my minor maintenance mishap was gone or hidden, I was dressed and made up, and Phryne and I had donned complementary robes. The sole remnant of the emergency was my still racing heart. Our dear gentleman friend was none the wiser.

I was so proud of myself. I had taken control of a situation and solved it, more or less. We had gone on to have an amazing time: a king sized bed full of the three of us and a delightful afternoon. My self assuredness from earlier in the day returned and I patted myself on the back on my way home.

Unfortunately, the bathroom gods, divine creatures of cleanliness, patrons to all who wish for hot and cold running water, saw me.

You see, they have been good to me over the years and, until now, I haven’t really given them their due. I took too much of my success on my own shoulders and failed to offer them my thanks and worship. The lesson of the washer hadn’t sunk in.

So they spit my shower head at me.

The next day, less than 24 hours after the washer lesson, I decided to take a long, hot soak at home. I washed out my tub, added lavender epsom salts to a deep bath, and settled in with a book. I rubbed hair treatments and moisturizers in and let them do their work. I luxuriated in wet heat and my success from the day prior. After the water lost it’s warmth, I turned on the shower to rinse and wash it all off.

My punishment began with a pressurized jet bouncing off the wall directly into my face. Then the hose connecting the handheld shower head to the wall just… fell out. I was left standing in shock with a dribbling shower head in my hand and a sloppy spray facing exactly the wrong way. Dumfounded. All I could think was “are you fucking kidding me?”

This lesson’s silver lining came in the form of a gooey, garlicky, crispy quesadilla from the taco truck outside Home Depot. Instead of curling up with fresh clean hair and the rest of my book, I had to haul my soggy, rapidly chilling butt up Aurora for a replacement shower head to finish my wash. There was a very ling line. It was windy and cold. For that hunk of tortilla wrapped steak and cheese, dunked in fresh guac, it was absolutely worth it.

I am now officially humbled. I will never take a trustworthy washing machine for granted again. I will never gripe about how long the hot water takes to get hot, or begrudge the daily cleaning required to honor their temple. I will thank the bathroom gods for their carne asada gift and hope it’s enough.

Take heed from my story. Do not neglect the bathroom gods during your daily ablutions. Don’t forget to offer them regular sacrifices of drain-o, or the prayer of the drain snake. Otherwise you, too, may be humbled.


Every year, Seattle hosts HUMP Fest. It’s a short film festival started by Dan Savage in which every film is pornographic. I’ve only been twice now, and despite the discomfort inherent in watching sexually explicit (and often wildly kinky) material in a theater full of strangers, it was a blast both times.

Each viewer gets to vote at the end for Best Sex, Best Kink, Best Humor, and Best in Show. Since it debuted in 2005, it has expanded to cover multiple weekends and it now airs in multiple cities including San Francisco and Portland.

Each film is short, so short that it can be difficult to know how you feel about one until it’s already over.

Crimson Cruising, film number one, was a red tinted homage to gay cruising in a sexy art house lesbian flick.

Body Language made use of body paint to make two people look like one heart, beating together as they fucked. In English and Spanish with untranslated titles, filmmakers made a convincing argument that verbal language plays second fiddle when it comes to coming together.

The Boy With the Tighty Whiteys was a-fucking-dorable. Our young protagonist shares his love for the bum-hugging undies and turns what could have been traumatizing memories of middle school bullying into a niche, and a surprisingly hot, kink. My only disappointment was that we didn’t actually get to see our hero cum, but I’m pretty sure he has an only fans…

Anathema was ridiculous, absurd, and hilarious. Two space cadets wind up on an alien planet a la Captain Kirk and what few garments they had to begin with don’t survive landing. A bubble gun adds the perfect fun foolish gimmick to a charming queer five-some.

Feast of Fantasy confused me: I both wanted to attend the surreal sex and food party, and was terrified by it. Someone popped an olive out of her pussy to garnish a martini. Someone else mashed cake all up in their bits. A plague doctor fucked an I don’t know what and there was a LOT of eating food off of people. I have politely nibbled strawberries and cream from a breast or two in my day, but the sheer magnitude of the licking overwhelmed me.

Shadow Play took a minute to understand. Shadow puppets kissing, then fucking in a variety of poses. Pretty straightforward as to the action, but what’s the backdrop? Is that a leg? Someone’s cock? Oh dear god it’s a scrotum pulled taught! I can’t imagine the patience required to hold yourself stretched like that so someone can make smooching noises and film silly shadow puppets.

No Translation brings Spanish and English speakers together again, but this time their bodies are translated as well. An afternoon at home together invites the audience to enjoy the pleasure his pussy and her cock bring each other. A final shot of the two flipping through his sketch book drew an “awwwwww” from the room at what was arguably the most intimate moment of the film.

Screen/Play gave us all the hits as far as seventies lesbian porn tropes go. Roommates watching TV can’t help but imagine themselves soaping up cars (but mostly each other’s tits), slapping flour in a mixing bowl (but mostly on each other’s bums), and just generally projecting themselves into the screen. Off screen, they realize what’s up and things on the sofa get steamy, too. Cute and hot. What more could you want!?!

The Cannoli brothers introduced me to the term docking, in the style of a (deliberately) badly shopped nineties late night infomercial. If you’ve never heard of docking, it’s…. Well, don’t worry about it. Just imagine a cannoli made by wrapping the dough around a couple cute lil cocks. They do not look delicious, but they do look fun to make.

Grace spent a lot of time off my screen. A few moments in I realized that this was the film to miss if you had to use the ladies’. I’m not into cutting, blood, or piercing, but starlet Grace very much is and for those who love it, it’s got it all. What I did see before excusing myself was a very happy young lady. If all I had seen was her face, I could not have guessed what was happening to the rest of her.

Bloom Room… I don’t… I know this is an indy film festival, but this was too indy even for me. It wasn’t even pornographic! Just weird.

Ronald McDonald for Some McDicken just skeezed me out. The other food related films made me slightly uncomfortable, but still offered something visually compelling. This couldn’t be anything but satire, and not very good satire at that.

State of Mind was, for me, one of the most difficult to watch. I admire the dynamic between a loving dominant and a loyal submissive, but I struggle to watch black people assume roles and postures of fear or subservience with any comfort. Had the dominant not also have been black, I think it would have been impossible. The cinematography was beautiful, and I believe that, because of what HUMP is, the relationship on display must be loving. But without knowing the two men personally, it was hard to get comfortable with it.

For Your Health doubled down on the discomfort, except this dominatrix and her submissive added a heavy dose of medical fetish play. Again, well shot and well edited, the film did exactly what it was going for. Which was not my thing at all.

It’s Me, Mr. Yamface was hilarious. Two dolls go to have sex but can’t find their genitals! At a loss, they are excited when Mr. Yamface bust through the wall kool-aid man style and offers them a plethora of choices. This stop motion film plays a silly game full of vulvas, tits, and dicks of all shapes, sizes, and colors. Truth be told, given the chance for some spare stick-on parts, I think I would be just as excessive as Barbie and Ken.

Cum As You Are tried to make an angry feminist point. Lots of smashing things and yelling. Vice overs about power and witches. I’m not a particularly angry person so I didn’t see the appeal. But whoever made their props did a great job. Real glass beakers won’t break against soft flesh. Their sugar ones were pretty darn convincing.

Get Ready With Betty starred our hostess, Drag Performer Betty Wetter, as she did a simple, brief makeup routine. Drag makeup is not only precise, it’s outrageous. But I never knew they could get such results using people’s cocks for brushes! Charming and exactly a Drag Queen’s amount of farcical, her tutorial made the whole theater laugh.

Luscious was exactly that: Sumptuous fabrics, long slow kisses, elegant lingerie, an envy inspiring peignoir, and two overflowing bodies gently roiling in an 1800’s royal bed made for a sensational short film celebrating big beautiful bodies.

Demon Seed absolutely had to have been satire. It had all of the worst things about porn guys :TM:. Uninspired dialogue, stiff acting, a complete lack of foreplay of any kind, and the money shot didn’t even make sense. If you’re trying to put a demon baby in the guy, why did the demon pull out!? I didn’t get the feeling that any of that was done on purpose, and I have no idea how it made it into a festival so richly populated with quality art house style works.

Color Me Wild was by far the hottest from a strictly sex perspective. What happens when you and your lover dip your hands in UV paint and fuck under a blacklight? This. And when you and your lover are stunners with a friend willing to hold the camera for you? This. Hands down my all over favorite.

A Deep Understanding gave it’s viewers a window into probably one of the most obscure kinks of the night. I did not know until now that watching attractive women “sink into quicksand” is a fetish. I get it, the ostensible helplessness, the viewer’s fantasy that only they can rescue the young lady, and being consumed I am all familiar with. Plus, they writhe and moan and whimper, all of which are sexy visual and auditory cues. But the best part was finding out that the performers who do the sinking love it, too. Not because they find it sexy, but because they find it hilarious.

Menage a Fromage tickled my nerdy bone. Hard. Imagine you’re an amateur cheese maker and want to make a unique cheese. Now imagine you have five or six adventuresome eaters who like to fuck. Add a dude in a hazmat suit wielding q tips and you’ve got it. The yeast sampled from the bodies, lips, bootys, even feet of the orgiastic revelers went into a gallon of whole milk, fermented overnight, and became a fresh, soft cheese. Yes, they ate it. And no, I can’t promise you I would’t at least try it.

Two things I noticed this year: there was, in my opinion, an over abundance of slo-mo shots. I get it, it’s a cheap and easy way to make something look dramatic and give yourself extra seconds of the best shots. I myself have used it when editing my own content. But it’s like salt. Too much ruins the dish. Between that and the wildly popular and headache inducing shaky camera trend, I felt like things were a little more amateur-art-housey than I wanted. But hey, I’m not behind the camera, and for 25 bucks it was totally worth it.

The second thing I noticed was a complete lack of cis/het/white couples. No one likes being excluded from spaces and so I notice in myself a mild sense of feeling left out. I don’t like that feeling. But I am SO glad it was there this time. I live in Seattle, I consider myself pretty socially progressive, the festival is run by a gay journalist. This is nothing that isn’t welcome or expected. Ditto with my discomfort: humans are inherently tribal. Discomfort at exclusion is a survival mechanism we have not yet learned to overcome. But I am doing my best to see it, acknowledge it, and let it go.

As with the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, I am trying to remember to attend these city specific sexy events more often. I’ve been to two HUMPs and one SEAF now, in my twelve years as a Seattle Resident. And I’ve been to zero Fremont Summer Solstice Parades. It’s fun to see what happens when creativity and sex meet in the hearts and minds of a variety of folks. It’s fun to talk with friends about how the products of those creatives make you feel and think. And it’s fun to absorb these events and bring them into the privacy of my bed where I can share them with others who aren’t quite ready to enter the arena of public sexuality.

I look forward to hearing from those of you who have been to HUMPs now and in the past, who can’t see themselves there, or who just haven’t been yet.


Meditation has always interested me. There is a reasonable body of evidence that suggests it helps even one’s moods, improve one’s sense of well being, encourages the brain to rest and repair, and if done long enough, can even open the door to influencing one’s physical body.

Few of the data are strong or conclusive, and I have a private hunch that the placebo effect, long known to the scientific community and more recently, employed deliberately, plays a large part in the positive effects. Our minds are so incredibly variable, and individual practice is difficult to judge; it is difficult to imagine we can, with the tools currently available, prove that it helps.

However, I have had a lot of time on my hands the past month and after finishing The Sacred Enneagram by Christopher Heuertz I supposed there was no time like the present. He finishes his exploration of the nine personality types with guides for a few different prayers popular with catholic monks of various persuasions. These prayers are essentially mindfulness and gratitude meditations performed through a Christian lens, e easily translated into a secular practice. So, for the past six days, I have taken at least twenty minutes each day to let my mind wander and try to gently corral it into something resembling peacefulness.

My mind is not naturally a peaceful mind. One of the reasons I read so much is that I read quickly. Particularly stories that are pure narrative and don’t require much introspection or pause. Part of this is habit, but a big part of it is that my undisciplined mind sucks in information, processes it, and immediately spits it back out again. Speaking and writing both help me slow down and think, but I still think fast enough that sometimes I forget what I’m saying, or what I was going to say, because inside I’ve already moved on.

On the first day, I used a mental image of myself filling with light. It started in my lungs, filled my body down to my pelvic floor, then two columns moved towards my feet. Often I got distracted halfway. Never did the light make it all the way down to the floor. But for twenty minutes, I redirected my wandering thoughts back into the light. When I finished and opened my eyes, I almost felt like I’d gotten stoned or a little drunk. My head felt light and stuffy and I was a little dizzy, and full of a kind of mellow happiness.

It’s only been a week but I am hopeful and energized by the experiences I’ve had so far. One day in particular was almost overwhelmingly beautiful.

I spent last weekend in Portland, celebrating the gradual return of the sun with friends. One of the kids helped me with my yoga practice for the day (meaning she pestered me about it all morning until I did it, then lost interest after 20 minutes) and at the end, there is a brief cool down timer, only three short minutes. I drew breath and light into myself and let it back out again, and for a moment felt like I had zoomed out, like I was watching from above as a light full of love, washed out from me and filled the back yard. Then it overflowed the fence and went into the house, full of people I love, and began washing out into the rest of the world.

I didn’t see it keep going, I was only there for a moment, but when I came back to myself and felt this overwhelming feeling of love.

According to the nine personality types, I and people like me offer acts of service as a natural outpouring of the universal love we create, hold, and share. When we are dysfunctional, the acts of service are not done by choice but by compulsion, are often poorly considered, and can occur so frequently they leave no room for us to love ourselves. The practice I am beginning is to make room for me, to get used to receiving love, and to become more deliberate in my actions so they serve me and my community.

So to feel this powerful surge of love coming from within, coming from my pelvic floor through my heart and so abundant that it seemed it would never run out, made me cry from happiness.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever had to explain to a house full of people that you need a minute to feel the love of the universe flowing through you before you can get your head together enough to start roasting a chicken, but if you do: be prepared for some bewildered and indulgent looks. I am fortunate that my friends are tolerant of experiences outside their own. They didn’t look at me funny or shame me or try to comfort me because I was crying, they just kind of smiled and asked me to let them know when I was done with my universal happy juice and could help.

I’ve tried to recapture that moment a few times since and haven’t managed it yet. Perhaps the presence of people is necessary to spark the connection between a practice and a feeling overwhelming enough to bring on happy tears. Perhaps in time it will come back. Perhaps, even, it will become something I can draw on when I’m angry at an awful driver or feeling fear at the veiled future. Whatever comes, I am pleased already to have felt some of these feelings, and I am looking forward to feeling them again and gaining some facility with them.

I have always been a loving and grateful person. With time, I have also become wiser and more certain of myself. I hope that my future holds a place where I have both, and can share it with you.

Duo Rev: Tiny Phryne

LOCATION: My Place in Wallingford

DATE: November 2020

NAME: Tiny Phryne (Fry-nee)


AGENCY OR INDY: Indy, low volume

ACCURATE PICTURE: Totally. Pics are babed up while she’s more chill in person but definitely her.

AGE: Old enough to have a masters degree, young enough to still love meeting new people.

PERSONALITY: Bubbly AF, and genuine.

BODY TYPE: Teeny Tiny. Fit, but soft.

WEIGHT: I couldn’t even begin to guess. Normal for some one who is 4’8”

HEIGHT: Four. Foot. Eight. SOCUTE!!

BUST: Titularly tiny, pierced and perky.


HIPS: Present

HAIR: Dark, veeeeeery long. Looks even longer because, y’know… she’s short.

EYES: Dark and sparkling. She’s an open book and I love it.

FEET: Present

SKIN TONE: Soft and similar to my own

TRIMMING: “She’s so fluffy! She basically enters the room before I do!”

TATTOOS: None that I noticed

SCARS: None that I noticed

PIERCINGS: Ears, multiple times. Nips.

MOLES: I didn’t notice any


CLOTHES: Casual over lingerie. I lent her a sexy robe for fun.

GLASSES: Yes. Perfect nerd chic.

MOANER OR A SCREAMER: Moans and trembles. LOTS of moans and trembles.

ENERGY LEVEL DURING THE SESSION: So high! Just having a blast and loving every minute of it!

MULTI SHOTS DURING THE HOUR: If you could manage it, she’d be down. We were hard pressed to fit one per person in our two hours.


SMOKES: Not that I’m aware of.

DRINKS: Probably would but we had some sparkling water instead.

KISSES: Gentle, passionate, fun.

FRENCH: Rumor of her skill are NOT exaggerated. Mmmmmm.

GREEK: Good question. I doubt it but we didn’t try.

RUSSIAN: Hahahhaahahahahah! I mean, you could try. Downside of ridiculously perky boobs is they don’t smush together very well.

DO’s or DON’T’s: Plan ahead and be polite. Relax, enjoy yourself.


SCREENING PROCESS: References or real world screening. She’s on extremely low volume at the moment because 2020 took all our fun away.

PHONE: She will provide at her discretion.

RECOMMEND: She’s SO cute!! And SO fun!! Definitely would recommend and adore a rematch.

COMMENTS: Phryne and I met some time ago at various mixers and I always thought she would be fun. I had also heard from some polite but excited gentleman callers that she has not disappointed so I was looking forward to meeting at a more intimate level. 

She arrived early so we could talk logistics. Instead we showed each other cute animal pictures for 25 minutes. We could have gone on longer but time is time and it passes. Before we knew it, there were three of us robed up, group hugging and getting excited. A three way kiss with such a short person is better accomplished using height equalizing tools so we spent some time seated on my couch, talking and teasing, before I escorted my guests to the bed.

The thing about a threesome with experienced sex havers who dig each other is it feels seamless. Shifting positions, trading places, three way blowjobs, cowgirl plus face sitting, oral round robin, my turn, her turn, his turn (eventually)… it just works. They say in a threesome there’s the giver, the taker, and the sandwich maker. Our sandwich makers were so busy watching the extreme hotness happening in my bed that they forgot to make sandwiches!

Two hours flew by. It was a pleasure to see all three of us slip in and out of gasps and giggles by turn. Phryne is not only well educated, she’s clever and cute and enthusiastic. As a friend of mine put it so well: “She’s got her vagina in the right place.”

Phryne is on my list of ‘please give me an excuse to revisit’ and should be on yours, too. Thank you to the darling gent who was willing to submit to our health needs in order to get us together. She’s keeping a low profile for now but I imagine that, come widespread rollout of vaccines and her accompanying broader availability, y’all may want to get in line to spend some time with this mini-babe.

Quote from our gentleman friend:

“Yesterday is a lot to process. A moment struck me—when you called attention and let us all know what a good job we did. It was either right before or right after we were done. I appreciate that you called that out, because we did. It was horizontal ballet.
Amie, that was the greatest sex I have ever had.”

To The Hilt

The sides of my wrist were pinked with hyperemia, more blood flow than usual, the way my neck blushes when I’m excited or your ears burn when you’re nervous. My forearm, finally freed, was at the end of its limits and relaxed only very slowly. I’ve always wanted to have a cock so I could feel, from inside, a woman contracting with orgasm, clenching my cock as she shuddered and spasmed. I may not have a nice, thick cock, but I do have very small hands.

I went slow at first, like I need with an unusually thick cock. Let the muscles ringing her pussy relax and give her a chance to slip onto my hand instead of just pushing into her. Just a little stretch and once the thickest part of whatever is doing the fucking is past the choke point, the little pain goes away and all there is is pleasure.

She was worried that it would be too much, after a surgery and long recovery, and after two already fuck-full hours, but he kept watching over my shoulder with delight and encouraging her, reminding her that we were there for her pleasure and I could speak up for myself if I was overwhelmed and that, in the past, when they had gently overcome her resistance, she had been happy they had.

Three fingers, a little less than his cock, slipped in easily. Four wasn’t far behind and in no time at all my relaxed hand, all four fingers and my thumb, gentle and constant, pressed its way in. As I felt my fingertips reach the back of her, I curled them as gently as I could to form a full fist. A loose fist at first, feeling her dimensions and watching her face for cues of pain or pleasure. She gave me excellent directions and encouragement, asking for more, bigger, thicker, stronger.

Given what I know about my own equipment, I wondered if perhaps what she was asking for was more stretch, right down at the base. I tightened my grip to make my fist as wide as I could, turned it sideways to maximize pressure, and pulled back until I felt strong resistance.

If you’ve never felt a woman with a strong pelvic floor contract in orgasm around your wrist, you’ve missed out on a truly incredible experience. I hope feeling it around your cock is as good. I felt like some insane sex goddess, watching and feeling and hearing her come this incredible, fierce, powerful orgasm, back arched and muscles rigid, moans and yells and eventually deep, rich, velvety screams. Her husband watched, absolutely over the moon, as his wife, his woman, got fisted by this slight, busty pro. From the corner of my eye I could see his gaze flickering between my face, her face, and her pussy, dripping wet onto the pillows. The sounds and the smell of her fresh sweat, the sight of her writhing and shuddering, my wicked happy grin, our three naked forms working to give her every sensation she asked for.

With the aftershocks of her orgasm heating us all, I slowly withdrew and thought we were done. He was so excited at the sight of my tiny wet hand slipping out of his woman’s glowing cunt that he asked me to do it again. She was done, she said, but she thought she could handle a few more ins and outs before she would need a cool shower and another glass of champagne. Well, this is what happens when two people who know each other inside and out make suggestions. Neither she nor I knew that she had one, final, loud, body wracking, firestorm of an orgasm left in her.

As I slipped in the second time, I thought it was simply to please her husband. To our surprise but not his, she gasped and suddenly changed her mind about being done. This time, she was warmed up and demanding more. I remembered something he mentioned offhand about her G Spot so I turned my wrist and curled my entire hand up in a ‘come hither’ motion. The flat of my four knuckles put full, broad, strong pressure directly into it.

It’s things like this that make me a little jealous. With 15 years on me and twenty with the same encouraging and open minded partner, she comes harder, faster, and stronger than I do. I wasn’t keeping track but I know I was responsible for at least four orgasms (six if you count his) and got an assist in at least two more. Based on volume and sheer heat, they felt powerful, possibly even overwhelming.

With my fist balled as wide and hard as I could get it, fucking her as fast and as hard as I could, watching and hearing her (and him) enjoying every wet sloppy minute of it, I felt like Aphrodite, Loki, Hera, and Athena all at once. (yes, I know I’m mixing mythologies. You would, too.)

Today I am reminded of last night with every step. Our interlude with the strap on gave me a tender pubic bone and my right forearm and my back are reminding me of just how little I cared about them last night. His length, strength, and vigor left me exhausted inside and her insatiable pussy tuckered out the rest of me. Nothing hurts, darlings. I know you’re reading this and you’ll worry about me. I pay other people money to make me do far less fun exercise and feeling sore the next day is part of the satisfaction. Part of the pleasure. Part of the experience.

Young lady. Nice boy. You two are a gem as a unit and as someone who only knew you for a few hours, I’m pleased on your behalf for your openness, your adventurousness, your confidence, and your inspiration. Would that all wives welcome the chance to come for hours on end. Would that all husbands listened to what their wives wanted and helped nudge them towards it. I’ll see you two again, I’m sure of it. Just give me a few days for my arms to recover 😉

Silk and Roses

She is so pretty! That was my first thought. So slim and innocent, with perfect clear skin and long, thick, corkscrew hair. And her smile! How on earth is someone like this reaching out to someone like me?

Inexperience is nothing to be ashamed of. I have, a few times but less and less as time goes on, made a fuss about age and experience. He was 26 and had never gone down on a girl!?! She was 27 and had never been with a man!?! She was 31 and had never come!?! He was 50 and had never had sex!!?!! These things never *phase* me, but sometimes they still surprise me. Sometimes, my surprise shows, because I have no filter and have internalized beliefs about the world. Oops.

So when she reached out as a young, beautiful, bisexual woman and said she wanted to be with me to get over the hump, as it were, of having sex, I was surprised. And flattered. And excited. And nervous.

You never forget your first. Your first kiss. Your first orgasm. The first time you experience sex you truly want. Being deliberately chosen, *AND PAID* to be someone’s first is a beautiful and heavy responsibility, no matter when it comes in my client’s life.

She was unsure. That she followed up and arrived must have been an internal battle that I”m glad she won. I wondered once or twice if she would change her mind and leave. But she didn’t.

Women are more complicated, more difficult in many ways, than men. Men have this nice, highly visible barometer that tells you clearly and immediately where their sexual desire is*. Women, well, we’re a little more cryptic, and the price for a misjudgment is often higher. When I casually mentioned this, her first thought was to apologize for being more difficult than my other clients. I rarely miss so badly with my words, foolish, self absorbed personality that I can be, haha! Her reaction was such a short hop from what women in the US, particularly shy, pretty ones, are told every day. Don’t be difficult, don’t make anyone’s life harder than it needs to be.

Well fuck that. I want women to own and enjoy their hidden depths! Fuck yeah it’s harder (most of the time) to make a woman come than a man. And to know what’s going to make her come. And to hang on long enough to get it done. Generally, with a penis-having-person, you stroke it up and down. Add lube or a foreskin, a little ball play, and that’s about it. Variations in tempo and pressure, sure, but nothing like the variety in women’s pleasure packaging!

I’ve seen everything from ‘I’m not going to come but that feels nice for now’ to ‘lube your ducking hand and GET IT IN ME’ to ‘Please strap me on this penis shaped rocket and light the fuse’ when it comes to getting women off. I am, very nearly, as clueless as you are, my reader. But what I do have is the ability to read body language.

When someone is nervous, they sweat, they tremble, they avert their eyes, they need a hug and some non-eye-contact cuddling. When someone is comfortable but not aroused, their eyes are bright and willing to make contact, their breath is even, and their speech can be either animated or subdued, but is focused. When someone is aroused in a way that will probably make them come, their hips buck, their breath gets fast and loud, their cheeks (and a lot of other places) get flushed red, often their eyes close, and sometimes they start making noise. These things. I look for these things. If I’m about to go down on someone and they’re giving me nervous signals, I’m going to either stop, or proceed veeeeeeeeeery slowly and check in after making my intentions clear but before actually beginning. Trying to be sexy to someone who is nervous doesn’t work well.

Guys. This is the secret to pleasuring a woman. Not special techniques or ungodly stamina or some fancy toy, just listening to her body and allowing it to dictate where you go.

Sorry. I got a little derailed there.

She was shy, so I am holding the details for myself because I think she would prefer it, but I am compelled to write about the encounter because I think it’s important that inexperienced men and women know that I hold space for you in my practice. That your newness and shyness is charming and sweet and that being chosen to guide you along your sexual journey fills me with pleasure and pride.

So thank you, sweet girl, for trusting me. I hope to see you again and I think it would help but you don’t need it. I saw in you, in only two hours, a little boost of confidence that I think will serve you well. I didn’t treat you the way I did because I was paid to, I did it because you deserve it. You deserve to have input in your pleasure. You deserve to be asked for what you want. You deserve to give and receive the touch you want. You deserve to be with someone who values those things. And also: you’re gonna be great. Whoever you choose to share your self with is a lucky, lucky person.

*About 15% of the time, a boner does not mean what you think it means. I won’t discount this, but I will acknowledge that it’s far more often reliable than not.

Duo Review: Jules Curie

LOCATION: First my place, then a local hot spot, on the down low.

DATE: June 2018

NAME: Jules Curie

INCALL/OUTCALL: A bit of both

AGENCY OR INDY: Indy, though the back end admin work is driving her mad.

ACCURATE PICTURE: All of them, absolutely.

AGE: Mid thirties

PERSONALITY: Accommodating, a smidge too much sometimes, eager, insatiable.

RACE: Eastern European/Mediterranean

BODY TYPE: Generous, full figured

WEIGHT: I have no idea but what is there, she carries well.

HEIGHT: 5’6”

BUST: Again with the generosity. Every time I see them all I can do is stick my face in them. And they love attention.

WAIST: Well defined between her generous bosom and thick hips.

HIPS: Thick, broad, welcoming.

HAIR: Dark, almost black, a rich chestnut in the sun, with gentle curls.

EYES: Dark chocolate, tempered with a green ring around the iris.

FEET: Clean and painted, sensible but stylish.

SKIN TONE: A bit richer than just a white girl with a tan. Dark gold and glowing.

TRIMMING: As I answer this I realize that I didn’t even notice with my face right there. Haha! Must have been distracted. I think trimmed?


SCARS: None that I noticed


MOLES: I didn’t notice any

BIRTHMARKS: Nothing distracting

CLOTHES: Silk blouses, figure flattering dresses, and an enormous purse.


MOANER OR A SCREAMER: Moans and words of encouragement. As Lady Vi said: “I’ve never had anyone yell ‘green’ at me before, ha!”


MULTI SHOTS DURING THE HOUR: For her, absolutely, probably many multi. For you, well that depends on whether you can keep up or not.

ACCEPTS FRENCH: Yes, it is highly encouraged. Put down towels first.


DRINKS: A bit. Riesling, Port, and other sweet drinks are her favorites.

KISSES: Anywhere that smells impeccably clean, yes.

FRENCH: I will say this is my area of expertise, not hers. She can receive all day long but giving doesn’t carry the same enthusiasm.


RUSSIAN: Warning: cocks enveloped in this bosom may be larger than they appear. And yeah, she’s wonderfully accommodating so if that’s on your list of things to do, you can.

DO’s or DON’T’s: DO be polite and keep in mind she’s still figuring out the administrative end of things. Don’t skip the shower when you arrive.


SCREENING PROCESS: References only.

PHONE: She will provide at her discretion.

RECOMMEND: If you want to take a woman to bed who truly cannot be exhausted, she is perfect for you. A pure feast for the sexual senses, a never-ending smorgasbord of vanilla ice cream, a bottomless cup of tea.

COMMENTS: I first met Jules during a long distance hangout with a group of college friends. We knew people who knew people and ended up late one night, overindulging, while I told stories. I’m out to this particular group, some of them even read this, so I was answering questions and just talking shop. Towards the end of our group chat, she send me a private message asking to talk. Like many young ladies who dabble with the idea of indulging, she assumed it wasn’t something that could be done safely and independently. When she realized she could have no strings attached sex with a variety of folks AND chip away at student debt a little faster, she knew it was time.


[In the interest of discretion and because I got awfully carried away describing our day, the rest of this review is password protected. Verified newsletter subscribers have it in their inbox. Hint: look low.]

But don’t take my word for it. Look her up and see if you can survive a thousand leagues under the sea. (Did I mention she’s a squirter?)

Hoo Boy!

I didn’t tell her until after. I didn’t want her to be any more nervous and also I wanted to see if she would guess that she was my first.

Women are very different from men, but past unprofessional conduct with women seems to have prepared me well. A few ladies in the area have let me practice performing FBSM on women, including some variations of sexual touch. I’ve also done a number of duos with ladies all over the city and have attended some unconventional group events that expanded my horizons and gave me some solid tools. Also, I have a pussy I’ve been practicing on for years so that helps.

Women are capable of incredible pleasure, both in quantity and in quality. We have a whole maze of sexual/sensual pathways and, as many of you know, I take great pleasure in traveling them slowly to really take in the scenery.

She was charming, with a broad smile and booty for days. It was such fun to watch her nervous excitement as she filled me in on a bit of her sexual journey and how it brought her to me. I subscribe to the reddit forum /r/deadbedrooms and it’s heartbreaking to hear stories of men and women losing touch with their partners and falling into traps of closed mindedness and anger. This was a different story, a story of an adventurous woman who had nothing left to lose when she and her lover went into a strip club together after a long stretch without sex. Several years later, she and her man have tried swinging and other exciting new sexual endeavors to great effect and this was the next step.

She had read my post about my sexuality as it concerns women women and appreciated my candor. She was curious to see if she had a similar feeling when given the chance to touch and be touched by another woman.

I’ve done this with men, too, who haven’t had a chance to just stare. I’ll turn on the lights and just let them drink in these forbidden images. Sure, porn is great for showing you genitals but really being able to get in there without the distraction of a sexual urge is a novel experience for many. And to then be able to touch!?! Without the pressure to do it ‘right’ right away!?!! So cool.

I also really love taking each other’s clothes off. It’s a little awkward, you giggle a bit, but I feel strongly that it removes a great deal of distance between two strangers. It’s the difference between feeling like an object to be dealt with on my table and feeling like an actual participant. I still don’t allow you to participate TOO much once you’re on the table, but those first few moments…

Se we undressed each other. I had begun to feel a bit of a snuffle that morning so we agreed, much to my disappointment, no kissing. Her lips looked so soft and I want all women to someday experience kissing a woman. Men are hard and pointy and with a charm of their own, but women are soft and smooth and smell nice. It’s truly wonderful. Instead of kissing on the lips, we turned our attention to necks and breasts. There’s always another way, haha!

It seems that nearly every woman in the world likes their nipples played with harder than I do. Take comfort, boys, that I even had to ask this lovely smooth soft woman to take it easy on mine. But that’s what exploring is all about: testing and learning and trying something else until you find what works.

Fortunately my massage training and years of experience made the initial massage part easy, satisfying, and relaxing for her. I like a full body kneading, just luscious cat’s-paw smushing from head to toe, in my massage so that’s what I work towards when giving. I rarely use draping in my work but I made an exception, partly to keep her warm, partly to keep her feeling safe and secure, partly so I could slowly expose more and more of her, seduction by revelation. Once I got her fully exposed, I got to test and see how she liked the full body contact part.

Boys are easy: when they’re excited, they get hard (usually). Girls are even easier: when they’re excited, they breath deeper, move their hips, make little moans, get warmer, sometimes tilt their chins back, curl their toes, close their eyes…. So many little signs and signals, sometimes more subtle than others, but always there. When my warm, coconut oil covered breasts made full contact with her back, I heard a sharp inhale and an immediate change in the tempo and depth her breath. It went from easy and even to shallow and loud. “Oh thank god” I thought to myself, “she likes it!”

I always worry about actually climbing up on top of women. Even though I’m small, it’s still a bit of a vulnerable position. I find it comforting under the right circumstances but the right circumstances don’t always involve strange women in private apartments. I suppose that could depend on how you define ‘strange’ but hey, she liked it so I stuck with it. I will admit there’s something delicious about warm, soft skin enveloping you; I can’t argue with that. And the subtle rhythmic pressure of hips on hips can’t hurt.

I was so pleased. Her enthusiastic and obviously genuine response inspired confidence, pleasure, and a reflexive arousal of my own. There’s something about seeing a woman turned on, flushed with heat, ready, curious.

When she turned over onto her back, I went slowly. I wanted her to want my touch before it arrived, to anticipate it and imagine it, so I kept my hands everywhere except between her thighs. I also needed time to assess her openness to more intimate touch. Rushing sexual touch is an easy way to sabotage a woman’s arousal so I deliberately slowed down. Fortunately, most ladies respond well to vibrating toys and even more fortunately I had one set out. Between that and a few other stocks in trade, we soon found a direct route to a sexual climax or two.

I have visual and aural memories flickering through my head as I write. Things didn’t stay linear, exactly, and I was kind of trying to do a few things at a time, between breasts and thighs and holding on tight as her body moved without control. Since I can’t feel the cocks we were using, I had to go slowly to make sure I didn’t do anything uncomfortable. By the time we were done, however…. well, lets just say that I don’t think anyone was uncomfortable.

In the same way I felt an abrupt change towards arousal earlier on, I now saw an abrupt relaxing, a few even deep breaths, and though I was happy to keep going as long as she wanted to, it seemed like the right time to take a break.

I’ve never been able to recover as quickly as she did and immediately start asking questions. We bonded over cock sucking techniques and I gave her a few tips and tricks that hopefully she can bring home to make good use of. The rest of our time we spent chatting while I rubbed her hands and feet and by the time she went to take a shower and get ready for the rest of her day, I was beaming! To be able to bring that kind of revelatory pleasure to someone… it’s happened a few times before when I’ve been able to edge someone a little and help them achieve an unusually powerful orgasm but to be able to do that for a fellow sexually empowered lady…

She said I had a way of putting her at ease that helped her relax and enjoy herself. She said she hadn’t had an orgasm like that in a long time. She said she thought her partner might like to see me sometime, too 😉 and maybe, once we all three get to know each other a bit, we might all three get together to have some fun.

I, for one, am SO pleased. To know that there are women out there taking control of their sexuality, embracing the power of yes as well as the safety of no, enjoying new experiences, and learning as much as they can. To have the time, space, and experience to help usher folks along, and to get paid for it!?! To have my chosen profession bring myself satisfaction and my clients pleasure and newness? So pleased. So. Fucking. Pleased.

Naughty Me

I don’t usually do this. Sometimes, when I’m in a wicked mood, I’ll put one knee by each of your ears and stay far enough away that no matter the way you pull and strain, your tongue will never reach. Or perhaps you’re terribly flexible and you sneak a taste, so I slip away, towards your feet, and all your face gets is a view.

But every once in a VERY long while, when we know each other well and I know you’d never walk away disappointed if it stayed just a view, when I’m in a mood and need something wet and hot, I slip down, centimeters at a time, to meet your seeking tongue.

Generally, I’m not a fan of stubbly chins scratching away at the oh so terribly delicate silk of my pussy. Any number of things can keep me from getting in the mood in the first place, and another dozen can take me out once I get there. No mood, no pleasure. I might enjoy it for a while, but inevitably I need a cock.

Today, with memories of lovely cocks and the present reality of yours, in my face, right now, the mood is off the charts. The stars align and the juices flow and I begin to think I just *might* come all over you. Maybe.

Moods come and go and time is running out, my climax is not terribly likely and I’m starting to feel guilty about the powerful sensations my downstairs mixup is unloading onto your lips. It’s time for your ‘happy ending’ and I go for it.

To my surprise, you stop me. Not yet! Muffled, haha! Alright. I’ll bite. You asked for it.

“Slow, gentle, more like you’re teasing than trying for anything.” Good god I love advice that is actually taken. I can feel the adjustment, the mental gear shift, from ‘work it’ to ‘let it grow.’ You asked for it.

I haven’t come in several days. It’s building, my hips are grinding, I put my concern for your poor face from my mind. After all….. you asked for it. I tease myself with your cock in front of my face. I love a good, solid erection. I imagine it pulsing, bathing my hard nipples in glistening white. In my mind’s eye I can see it everywhere, in me, on me, dripping and hot… and with that, I come.

You poor boy. I can nearly feel you gasping. I’m not an *especially* wet lady (compared to some) but it’s impossible not to notice. I’ve been on the receiving end of an orgasming woman and it is always pleasurable, not always pleasant.

I like pressure, little to no movement, during and after an orgasm. Hard to do when I’m straddling your face but you did your best and managed to help extend the orgasm. I very much wish, sometimes, that I could roll over and pass out, the stereotypical man, but it’s just not in me to leave a boy hanging like that!

You take a break to wash your face and I can’t stop laughing. I mean, I feel you, my scent comes on strong sometimes, but you stopped me from making you come earlier, before me, so I have no sympathy. You very much asked for it.

You’ve turned the tables, stroking yourself with my slick oiled belly and straining, thrusting, my one hand on your rigid cock, the other holding you to me. I trust your intention enough to submit. To be below you. To wait for you. To focus and feel, you, ready, almost there, harder, every muscle tight and ready. Release. Relax. At least for a few moments I’ll be fine under your full weight. Take a breath.

I think we both asked for it.