Category: Professional Relations

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Bridge City Indeed!

I drove to Portland last weekend. I was supposed to take the train but, due in part to my lack of clock-watching abilities and in part to a mud slide, I ended up driving Sunday morning instead of taking the train Friday afternoon. I had one marvelous appointment, took a girlfriend out for phenomenal Russian tapas at Kachka, and had a long and pleasant shoot with the infamous Jughead (newsletter subscribers see them first!).

Complications to the trip have sparked a rash of inspiration and it’s about damn time.

Friday, I was scheduled to leave on the 2:10 train from Seattle to Portland. I didn’t take any appointments, though I perhaps should have, and I hadn’t prepared the day before for the trip, though I definitely should have. I spent the morning taking a long bath, trying on various photo shoot outfits, and listening to an audiobook. Public transit has mostly cured me of my habitual tardiness; if you’re one minute late, you’re twenty minutes late so now I’m (usually) present and ready early. This time, however, I underestimated not only how long it would take me to walk to the station, but had it in my head that the train left at 2:20 instead of 2:10. I simply wasn’t thinking, I was existing in a state of dissatisfied laziness.

When I arrived, sweaty, at the train station to find boarding over, I was furious. At myself for an unforgivable lack of initiative and at my perception of my own lack of accomplishments lately. I hadn’t finished my blog post on time, I haven’t worked on my book in months, I attended but wasn’t useful at meetings and while in reality I have done quite a bit lately, I didn’t feel as though I had. This was the last straw. I changed my ticket to 6p and stalked away, muttering self recrimination under my breath and searching for someone with whom to pick a fight.

My partner is useless for fighting as every jabbing, pissed off text message met with kind understanding and empathy. I couldn’t hit something walking down the street; my vanity won’t let me appear anything but put together in public. I tried to vent to a friend but she wasn’t available for comment. So I mentally wrote the most scathing, ridiculous email in my history and continued my subaudible, vile litany.

Now I’m stalking up the sidewalk in tasteful heels and a backpack, seething, muttering, and deciding to run some errands. After a short stop at my studio I reemerge into the sparkling, gorgeous day and run one errand, try to run the second but the mangey, God-forsaken government office is closed!, and, anger renewed by inconvenient business hours, I settle into a coffee shop close to the train station for tea, pie, and a clacking vent session.

Then my prepayment software fails me. Square cash rejects one client’s payment and I have to scan my drivers license in order to accept another’s. I can’t find it. The rejected client cancels his appointment. I’m frantically texting and calling the woman I’m renting a work space from and then I get a call from Amtrak. The trains are all canceled until Sunday.

Fuck. Me.

This is when I start crying. Frustrated, angry, on the verge of cancelling the entire trip, everyone else trying desperately to cheer me up and offer options, and disappointed by the pie. It was really good pie but I’ve been spoiled by perfect pie so to me, I’m a girl at a table in the corner, crying over delicious tea and mediocre pie.

I almost canceled everything. I’m so close to fighting with my friends and blowing off clients that I feel I’m an emotional danger and I almost start making phone calls. But I said I would be there and so, after a few hours of writing to blow off steam (I will not be publishing that, haha) and a long, familiar bus ride home, I spent a decent chunk of time working on my new website and feeling like I’m accomplishing things.

The next morning bright and early I get ready to drive to Portland. I need to be there no later than noon so 7:30 and I’m up. Everything is ready to go in the car, I fill up the tank…. And my tire’s almost flat. And the gas station’s air pump is broken. Sigh. Whatever. I fix it and I’m on the freeway by 8:15. It rained the entire drive.

I don’t feel like a real person until 1. I’m sitting on a lovely chaise longue in a dim, quiet room, sipping coffee and eating lunch from the salad bar next door. I’ve got a client in an hour, a shower is waiting for me, and life feels normal again. After that the whole trip was a smashing success.

That said, I am hesitant to return. My friends come to Seattle, though not often, I won’t need or want another shoot for nearly a year, and trying to schedule clients in Portland is like pulling teeth. No one wants to screen, no one trusts my reputation, and no one wants to pay full rates. I feel, with the one notable exception, disrespected and under appreciated and why would I put up with that when you guys are so overwhelmingly delicious!?! I think if I can get a crew to go work a club for the night that could be fun but I’m really not excited about another trip.

Maybe next time I’ll go to Vancouver.

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SASS was brilliant!!!

Thursday from noon to four they held a health fair. I missed most of it but did arrive in time to hear about ‘yoni steam’ and say hi to everyone. Held at Gay City in their auditorium, there was education, camaraderie, and some fun reconnections. (Like my incredible massage therapist!)

Friday afternoon I attended an Allies meeting where Emi Koyama, SWOP’s new employee, is coordinating organizations into a coalition to support the safety of people involved in the sex industry. I met some really powerful women representing some excellent local organizations and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one in the room with the wheels turning.

Friday night we heard from activist and transgender sex worker Cayenne, Defense attorney Zach, Coalition coordinator Emi, Gender Justice League activist and porn performer Tobi, and The director of the Butterfly Project at ‘The Harms of Prostitution: Voices From Within the Sex Trade’. Savanna Sly lifted the title from a recent anti-sex work town hall in order to broaden the appeal to abolitionist attendees. I had a Lot of feelings and opinions about the messages but overall I felt great walking away from it. One audience member asked what I called ‘the triggering question’ which is “I have a smart female friend who thinks all prostitution should be banned in order to limit or decrease the amount of exploitation. What would you tell her?” The poor guy got swamped after the panel by Sarah Nicole, Mistress Katherine, and a few others, myself included. Fortunately, like me, he enjoys spirited discussions and felt comfortable amid this cluster of powerful women (as I say this it’s possible that he didn’t recognize their power). I described him as part of the ‘well intentioned middle class’ and he agreed wholeheartedly. I would have loved to sit and chat for hours but by this time it was late and time to rest up for…

The Harlot’s Ball!!! Saturday night at a private club we had erotic dancers, kink stations, a kissing booth, and my friend Numina selling raffle tickets (20$ to wrap a string of tickets around her bust line. It was a VERY good deal). We saw Lady Vi in feathers and flats, Clara Turing in gold lamee and fishnet, myself in jeans and black velvet, Tanuki in rich velvet laced up the side, Savanna in her evil wombat costume, Sierre Cirque in a black and white checked body suit with tempting zipper placement, and dozens more sexy, sensual, and high styling folks heating up the dance floor. I saw a few get flogged, some energetic entertainers on stage, and the most sensuous, sexy kiss on the cheek I’ve ever served before. Maggie has some mad skills, I’ll tell you. And also I may have gotten mostly naked on stage for a minute. You know me: any chance to be the center of attention andI’m all over it.

Sunday I spent nearly the whole day surrounded by loving fellow practitioners. We had a legal workshop presented by Michelle Scudder, talented and sensitive defense attorney, and then just hung out talking for a while. I finally met the aptly named Sexy Bexy and WOW is her visage one to launch ships! I also met this charming pixie of a provider who I very much would like to work with. Of course, I don’t remember her name and she has my card but I don’t have hers. We shall see if she chooses to reach out.

Sunday evening was the Art of Activism show where Vee Chatty and Savanna Sly got to strut their stuff. I didn’t attend the event but I’ve seen their work before and I love their creativity, playfulness, and inclusivity. They weren’t the only artists, I know, but anyone who went to the show please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below.

I and many others are happy to see Savanna return. Her charisma and exuberance complements talents already present here in Seattle and the political climate here is vibrant and volatile. I’m really happy to have seen this year’s Sex Work Symposium and I encourage you all to attend or donate to next year’s. It will fall on national sex worker’s rights day again, so early March, and is well worth the cost of entry.

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Aging

We all make mistakes but generally not such basic, rookie ones. She handled it with grace but I shouldn’t have made it in the first place. I uttered the dreaded words ‘for your age’ not only to someone I admire but in front of our client.

As you can tell, I’m sure, my filter between idea and iteration is frayed. Particularly when I’m nervous or flustered. I tend to spit out whatever I’m thinking when it might be better to say nothing at all.

In my apologetic email, I tried again and again to explain myself but everything I wrote just dug me deeper into my hole. I’m kind of like the guy who thinks ‘doesn’t she look great in that tight dress? She’s got such great curves and that dress is so tight so it shows them off. I like her and I like that she looks really hot. Sausages are curved and juicy with a tight casing that makes them look so tempting. I like the way they look and taste. I would like to taste her, too, mmmm.’ And then says “You look like a sexy sausage.” Yeah, that guy? That was me with one of my heroes.

Most of the men and women I spend time with, many of the people who most inspire me, are significantly older than me. It amazes me when I find out their age and, far from lowering my opinion o them, it magnifies it. Very few providers admit to their true age partly because there’s this stigma against aging beauty. For some ridiculous reason, people think that 40, 50, 60, 70, even 80 and above are inherently limiting and there’s this perception that they are less sexually interesting. That’s patent bullshit. I can’t even wrap my head around the idea of aging as a negative in itself. I look at myself five years ago, realize how much I’ve grown since then, and realize that I have at worst EIGHT MORE of those five-year growth cycles.

Over the last five years I have: struck out alone in a new city, explored multiple aspects of the sex industry, achieved a professional certification, discovered and confirmed a life partnership, guided a protégé to safe professional stability, grown my social circle, traveled Europe, set and achieved emotional and financial goals, helped heal and entertain hundreds of beloved clients, and begun writing a book. Imagine the next five years! And the five after that!

However, in this case it was a comment about my colleagues physique. I was marveling that her form was, in my opinion, higher quality than mine. I’ve recently gotten my hands on several of my colleagues and one theme is how much more attractive I find them than myself. I’m sure a small part of it is novelty but they are genuinely in better shape with firm, beautiful busts and tight bottoms, and not only are they in better shape than me but they don’t have the advantage of youth. Also they are all waaaaay more in touch with their sexuality than I am. I feel like I’m cheating. I feel, not ashamed of my youth, but that I need to step up my game if I’m going to look half as good as they do once I reach their level. Of course what comes out is ‘you look amazing for your age’ which is the shittiest, douchiest, most backhanded ‘complement’ known to woman.

Oops.

Also: you get a two-fear this week since I missed last week’s posting time. Sorry.

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Swedish Enforcement Hits Home

It finally happened: I officially lost a client to the Swedish model*. Was he arrested? no. He was scared away.

Kind, thoughtful, supportive, generous; all the things we want in our clients he was and now, due to the continued harassment of clients across the Seattle area, I will not see him again for a very long time, if ever.

I, the sex worker equivalent of a rich white guy, will be fine. I could lose half my clients and still be ok, though I’d have to cut some corners. I could lose all my clients and fall back on one of several skills, though that possibility is extremely uncomfortable. I have several fallback plans but what if I didn’t? What If I were a woman of color and found it that much harder to find other employment? What if I were of uncertain legal status and thus were banned from most legitimate work? What if I had children or other dependents? What if I were less educated or LGBTQ or Older or mentally unstable or less conventionally attractive or chronically ill or under the influence of a substance or abusive person? Would losing this client really help me improve any of those things?

I hope you’re happy, men and women fighting to ‘save exploited children’, because your  Swedish model of criminalization enforcement has driven away a valuable source of income for this consenting adult. This educated, independent, voluntary sex worker is now just a little bit more vulnerable, just a little more concerned, just a little closer to danger. Thanks a lot.

*By this I mean the push to enforce current laws only against clients, not against providers. While both ends of the exchange are currently illegal, the degree to which LE chooses to prosecute and persecute clients is much higher than providers. It’s a scare tactic and it’s working.

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Seattle Alternative Advertising

Under continued political pressure, Backpage, a popular advertising site, has disabled their adult services section, much as Craigslist did some years ago. Maggie McNeil will be writing about it in tomorrow’s column with her trademark exhuberance and is going to publish an exhaustive list of advertising alternatives. Her readership is far broader than mine and so I will leave the exhaustive listing to her and focus this post on the most important thing: me.

Backpage has a bad reputation in Seattle. The popular (read: loud) opinion on discussion forums I read is that the providers are subpar at best and the clients are irritatingly shallow. However, having spoken to above average ladies who use it, I understand it is not only useful but with careful presentation can reach great clients. It’s an international platform that offers no-nonsense advertising for low initial cost. A lot of people used it to find clients online, thus staying safely behind closed doors. Some good friends of mine and many more acquaintances and sisters will see a sharp drop in their income surely within the month but probably sooner unless they can find alternative effective advertising venues.

And so we met.

Sol Finer, Sola Love, Savanna Sly, Maggie McNeil and representatives from CoSWAC and the Gender Justice League met with a group of around thirty providers to discuss short and long term options. There are incredibly long lists at the following places:

Saucysayswhat.tumblr.com

http://thecauldronnyc.com/backpage-alternatives/

maggiemcneill.wordpress.com

But the big question is: which ones are any good and, for those of us here in Seattle, where are all the ladies going?

The first alternative that comes to people’s minds is TNA. Some love it, some hate it, but it is an alternative, it’s hugely active, and it’s free to join. I am registered and marginally active on Eros, P411, Slixa, The Hobby Hunter, and TER. You can also follow your favorites on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook; some ladies update availability and other such fun things. My most effective tool is my newsletter, thank you those who’ve subscribed. I’m going to go down this list and talk a little bit about each option, how providers can use them, and how clients can most effectively use them.

TNAboard

Cost:

Free for a basic provider membership, 50/month for a premium membership. The difference is whether or not you can have a signature and how often you can advertise. I’m not sure whether/how much clients have to pay for membership but premium status allows you to, for example, post comments of advertisements and in the Ladies’ Lounge. It’s not necessary.

Difficulty:

Providers need to submit a picture of their face with the date and their username visible to the moderators for verification. They can voluntarily submit a photo of their photo ID with all information except the DOB and face shopped out in order to become ‘TNA verified’. The process isn’t too time consuming and there are photo blur apps available for smartphones so you don’t need a computer.

Region:

TNA covers pretty much the entire West Coast as well as a few major cities across the country. It’s most active in Washington and california.

Vibe:

TNA is well known as the wild west of message boards. There are vehement opinions and drama galore but if you generally avoid the message boards and only advertise the clients will find you.

How to:

As a provider, this board allows you to build a brand. You can chime in on any of the many topics that pop up. If you find you like the conversations and can easily jump in, no problem. If you find them too aggressive, do this: comment only on topics you find genuinely interesting, read only the first page of comments, craft a careful reply to the original point, and only pay attention to respectful replies (they happen on occasion). You’re creating a paper trail of your opinions on things like social time, lingerie, favorite activities, interests, and more importantly how you conduct yourself. Clients will post reviews unless you specifically ask them not to. It is helpful to reply to the reviews with a personal comment as soon as you can, while you still remember the interaction, to serve as a record for future providers who may see this client. I, personally, will only comment if I know the client quite well and have no reservations about recommending them. Otherwise I use reviews and vouches as a potential reference list and will try to email for more information.

As a client, if you would like to interact on the message boards it can be fun sometimes but the easiest way to use TNA is simply to browse the ads. When you see something that catches your eye, you can use the advertiser’s profile to view their post history, reviews, profile, and contact information. There is a handy ‘to do list’ function that saves profiles to a list for easy access later. It’s useful because the search function and memory are both unreliable but do note that the provider gets a private message notifying them of your action.

 

EROS

Cost:

Starts at just over $100/month but goes up quickly when you add categories. I had some success with it several years ago but haven’t used it in quite a while. When I did use it I got two or three inquiries per week.

Difficulty:

You may have to submit a photo of your ID for age verification if the reviewer thinks you look under 25; they take no risks with underage workers. Also, be very very very careful with your wording. They will censor anything but the vaguest of euphemisms. Browse other ads to get a sense of what is allowed, be vague, leave the more explicit talk for your private website or better yet, for pillow talk after your session.

Region:

International, and you can advertise when you’re visiting as well. They take requests, too, if you can get enough people together to all ask for the same city they will add it to their listings.

Vibe:

It’s only advertising, no reviews, no discussions, but it looks very sleek and classy. I personally recognize a few dozen of my colleagues and friends; EROS has the highest concentration of former TRB advertisers here in Seattle.

How to:

Providers simply create an ad, pay via bitcoin, money order, or credit card (no prepaid cards anymore), and post. You can set it to auto-update even so you just set it and forget it. It requires no maintenance and is probably the simplest advertising venue, if expensive right up front.

Clients simply browse and follow the instructions in her ad, the end.

 

Preferred 411

Cost: free to join, it costs credits to actually advertise but I’ve never advertised on P411 before, simply maintained a profile. Logging in every week or so bumps your profile higher on the list and makes you more visible or you can stick your profile to the top by paying up to 100/month via bitcoin, credit card, cash, or money order.

Difficulty:

You have to submit three photos: one of your ID, one of you holding your ID, and one of you holding a paper with your name, the date, and your application number on it. Again, they only need your photo and DOB so blur out the rest of the information on your ID.

Region:

International

Vibe:

P411 is mostly a verification site. Members have varying levels of verification and can ‘OK’ each other. I use the OK list to choose reliable references and will email them for personal references. DO THIS! I have seen clients on P411 with multiple OKs from reputable providers, friends of mine even, for whom I would very much like to give actual references for. It also doesn’t tell you how old the OKs are and people change so it’s always a good idea to follow up.

For clients, this can be a good way to streamline the review process. The site asks for some level of verification from you, I believe you have the option to submit employment information to get verified by this third party service so you might not have to disclose that information to your providers, it depends on their personal policies. In any case, it’s one place to browse for providers in the area you’re looking for, although their information might be out of date.

 

SLIXA

Cost:

Free to have a profile but all advertisements cost credits and no one sees your profile until you have an ad. Credits are 1:1 USD and the most basic ad is 2 credits per day.

Difficulty:

Easy as pie. Fill out the profile, pay for the ad, you’re done

Region: International

Vibe:

Similar to EROS

How to:

Similar to EROS; no client/provider interaction, only advertising. It’s acutally a very slick website but I’ve heard from others that it’s slow. It’s run by a former sex worker, however, so we’d like to patronize it if possible.

 

The Hobby Hunter

Cost:

A bit less than 200/year but you can do it in smaller incrememnts. Paid for by money order.

Difficulty:

It wasn’t difficult for me in the month or so after TRB went down but it’s a small board run by one woman so the backlog seems to be slowing registration to a crawl. That being said, setting up your profile isn’t difficult and, while it’s not perfectly intuitive, once you get the hang of it it’s easy to navigate.

Region:

Primarily Portland. It’s a slow board but they have established a Seattle section and if we can gather steam it could turn into a viable option.

Vibe:

Super nice. Reviews and forums are available but everyone is terribly respectful and encouraging to each other. It reminds me of the way TRB used to be.

How to:

There’s a chat function which is kinda fun as well as the various forums. If you’re looking for a high energy place, this is not it. I can’t even think of strategies to stand out from the crowd; there is no crowd. If you’re already a member or can become one in the near future, it’s more a place to go and chill than a place to rake in clients. Clients, it’s nice place to interact with relaxed providers in a setting of cameraderie but unless you’re headed to Portland or Vncouver, very few Seattle ladies are currently advertising there.

 

The Erotic Review

Cost:

Free for providers and clients to have a basic membership, paid for premium. I’ve never paid for it so I don’t know payment options or price. Providers can see VIP details of their own reviews though they may have to spend some time working with the mods to attatch the right reviews to the right profile. Clients can get premium membership by posting a review of a new lady but not by posting a second review of the same lady.

Difficulty:

No verification needed, only you might need to contact the moderators if you’re just signing up in order to connect your reviews and profile with your account. You cannot set up your own profile, the first client to review you fills out all the details, meaning if you’d like to explore this option, choose a client you like and trust to set you situation up for you.

Region:

International

Vibe:

TER is run by clients, for clients. Providers can post in the discussion forums but they’re not sorted very well so you’ll be interacting with people you may never meet. The review structure is the most contentious part. Providers who don’t offer the full range of services including unprotected oral sex, PIV sex, kissing, etc cannot be rated higher than 7/10, meaning the most mind blowing, earth shattering, life changing erotic bodyrub you’ve ever had won’t be ranked as high as a mediocre blowjob. Also, clients are rewarded for new reviews of new girls so it encourages many short interactions instead of long term relationships which goes against the grain for many.

How to:

Providers who are not yet on TER: it’s out there and it can work for you. Create your profile, share it on your website or in your email footer, and keep an eye on it. This is the only site where reviews can be your friend so you need to be proactive. Encourage one new client per month to write a review; it bumps you to the top of search results and will often generate a new client or two. If you are one who doesn’t like reviews, make it clear beforehand because they are difficult to remove.

Clients can help providers here by writing respectful, moderate reviews of ladies you know. You can write more than one review of the same lady. I suggest one new review per year since dynamics can change over the year. I also suggest emailing your provider the text of your review prior to submitting it to make sure it doesn’t upset her or reveal something she’d rather keep between you two. As far as using it yourself, the search function is reasonably useful and while the Seattle advertising section is slow, it picked up after TRB went down and may do so again in the next few weeks.

 

And as a footnote: Providers have been advised to advertise in the ‘professional services: massage’ and ‘personals’ sections of backpage. If you liked the immediacy of backpage, you can look there for familiar faces. I personally am going to move towards SLIXA for several reasons: it’s reasonably priced, the website looks good, and it’s owned by a former sex worker. I’ll be directing my fellow providers there and to the personals sections of backpage.

 

I’d write more but it’s quite late and I’m tired. Please feel free to leave comments below with your thoughts on the events and alternatives. I’m going to publish now and proofread Saturday, sorry for any mistakes.

 

One last thing: Our community rallied immediately. We are so fortunate to be in a place where crises like this bring us together instead of fracturing an already vulnerable community. I’m hoping we can ride this wave and move forward.

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Craft? Calling?

I have a friend. He’s nice, painfully intelligent, not always intuitive when it comes to human relations, and recently spent some time in Seattle. Part of the reason for coming to Seattle was to sleep with a mutual friend. She’s a safe person to experiment with and attractive in body and mind so it made sense for him to fly halfway cross the country for a shag.

You see, my friend has had a short string of sexually unsatisfying relationships and had convinced himself that he was broken. Even our safe mutual friend didn’t result in the kind of fireworks he’s been told casual sex brings. His sexual history is at best mediocre and at worst actively traumatizing.

As the resident sexpert and friend, I was consulted over tacos and beer. Through euphamisms and shy, circular innuendos he told me that he was disappointed in the sex he had had with our friend. A few drinks later we got into more detail and I realized that I knew exactly what he was talking about. More importantly, I knew why he was so confused.

 

Girls Talk
Girls Talk

We women talk about sex ALL the time. Women talk to each other about how many, how big, how long, how funny, and most of all how bad our lovers can be. In my social circles it’s rarely painful but we accumulate funny stories and share them to relieve tension and build friendships. Girls are used to non-orgasmic sex, we’re used to bad lovers and men who push too far too fast. We’re used to having sex when we’re not really in the mood. We see it in media, hear about it from our friends, and live it. Boys don’t.

My friend had been having what I call maintenance sex. Maintenance sex is sex you have when you’re not really interested in the sex but you’re interested in the sex having been done. Sometimes it’s to connect with your partner, sometimes it’s to get a reward, sometimes it’s to get him to be quiet and go to sleep so you can stay up late watching Lost Girl. The reason doesn’t matter, the reality is that it’s generally mediocre and rarely orgasmic. The problem with my friend’s maintenance sex is that the reward he was expecting was an amazingly pleasurable experience. Maintenance sex isn’t amazingly pleasurable. So he was trying to build relationships he wasn’t that interested in, gain a reward he couldn’t have, and instead of a the freedom to watch a badly written sex drama about a succubus and her impossibly attractive friends in peace, he got confusion, shame, and anger.

I told him what I thought: that he wasn’t broken, just unusual. He had been allowing his partners the choice and initiative, assuming that if she was ready, he would be. In mainstream media and in most relationships, this is true. Unfortunately for my friend, it wasn’t true for him. He is now looking forward to an arduous journey of self exploration. He will have to pay attention to how he feels when in a relationship. He will have to learn to know what HE wants instead of simply reacting to what SHE wants. We’ve been working so hard to teach this to young women that we forget: young men need to know this, too.

As the fiery, eloquent Connor Habib once said: “This country doesn’t need more sex education, it needs relationship education.”

 

And, as all humans do, I take this story and ask what it has to do with me. Well, I wonder if perhaps this was a nudge. I’ve become quite good at my craft. I bring genuine skilled bodywork together with elegant sensuality and season it with sprightly conversation to create an organic, sexy, playful, satisfying session every time. And I’m getting bored. New clients still bring a rush of excitement and I do take great pleasure in the ease of comfortable relationships but there’s only so many things I can do with my hands before I have to get really kinky. It’s possible I will explore a discipline called Sexological Bodywork. It’s a form of counseling that involves hands on sessions. Generally focused on sexual relationships with self and others, the hands on portion allows the client to experience needed touch in a safe environment from a trained professional. Combined with clothed talking sessions it can help healing from sexual trauma and growth into a healthy sexual whole.

Anyway, that’s the future isn’t it? For now, I’m just happy to have helped out a friend. He’s got a long way to go before he’s settled into a happy, long term loving relationship and until then, I’ll do my best to help him, help you, and reach myself some life goals!

 

TourDeEiffel

 

Speaking of goals:

Make more money than I did this year

Never miss a post or a newsletter this year

Get halfway through my book

Go camping at least one long weekend

Become fluent in French

Lose 10 pounds

Eat better food!

And of course you know: no meat, alcohol, or coffee until my birthday!

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And A Happy New Year

Oh 2016, You’ve been an interesting one, that’s for sure.

As the list of losses climbed through the year, natural and political disasters continue unabated, and we’ve definitely reached the tipping point on Global Climate change, I look back on my own personal 2016 and see a very different trend.

This year started pretty terribly, with the Review Board shut down, advertising options suddenly limited, community resources diminished, and some beloved (and not so beloved) friends losing their lives, it looked like 2016 would be a year of confusion and terror.

For some, it has been but for me it has been a year of growth and change I think I will look back on fondly for some time yet.

First, I learned to be careful. I began policing my own behavior and openness a great deal more, taking more precautions and avoiding potentially compromising positions. I have benefitted from that in many ways and have passed those benefits on to you, though you may not have noticed it.

Then, I began to act. I coordinated and organized and tried to preserve the community as best I could and have managed to do what I think is an OK job of maintaining social connections between providers and allies who value this industry and the magical experiences that can come of it. Between large co-ed parties and small, ladies only get togethers, I’ve managed to maintain connections to some of the most intelligent, interesting, exciting providers in the area as well as creating new connections around the area.

I made some changes to my business model and became more consistent in my content; I finally began doing this as if it was not only my hobby but my business. Responsible boundary-keeping is not the only thing that makes a provider a professional, it is also maintaining a welcoming, immaculate incall, consistently creating new and exciting experiences, and being present and timely with administrative tasks (Thank you Rose!).

I’ve begun work on a book I hope will bring income to me, amusement to you, and a better picture of the industry to the world. A mix of autobiographical musings, profiles of major colleagues, and most of all stories of my interactions with my beloved clients, I hope to show the world that, while some guys are just dicks, the vast majority of people seeking erotic services are greater than the current narrative tells us they are. I had hoped to have more work done on it by the end of this year but it’s been a bigger year than I anticipated.

Partly because I took my first trip overseas! It was fabulous. I’ll never forget the sights and sounds and flavors and people. In fact, I’m already planning my next one! It has permanently shifted my perspective just a bit; you will all be the recipients of my healthier lifestyle and broader worldview in the coming months if you haven’t already 🙂

Here at the end of 2016 I’m working toward concrete goals and it’s all thanks to you, my clients and my colleagues, who have supported me, given me valuable advice and feedback, had hours and hours of hilarious, serious, sensual, beautiful, fulfilling, healing, amusing, intoxicating interactions, and ultimately helped me become a more interesting, more valuable person than I was at the beginning of the year.

I hope your holidays have been merry and your 2017 kicks ass!

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When You’re Expecting

We all have expectations, and we should, because otherwise why would we do anything ever? The problem is, many people have unrealistically high expectations and are disappointed when the experience falls short. So, here are two lists, one for clients and one for providers, of reasonable, realistic expectations.

As a client, you should expect your provider to:
-Be on time
-Resemble her photos (some use fake photos for privacy. That’s ok, they just need to accurately represent her.)
-Provide services as advertised*
-Provide a clean location if she offers incall
-Not up-sell unless for off-menu services
-Keep the session moving so you complete desired/available activities within the time allotted

Everything else is variable, but it is not unusual for your provider to:
-Be attractive
-Be enthusiastic
-Provide more than minimum services
-Agree to special requests when possible
-Have amenities on hand such as oral hygiene products and a variety of condoms
-Accommodate those with varying levels of ability or health

And while it’s nice when it happens, you should never expect your provider to:
-Let the session run overtime
-Offer social time off the clock
-Provide off-menu services**
-Accommodate special requests with short notice
-Be available same-day/immediately
-Engage in lengthy conversations outside of session time
-Put up with pushy or whiny behavior

As a provider, you should expect your client to:
-Be on time or, if late, still pay the full amount
-Pay the full amount without talking about it
-Leave on time
-Shower if asked
-Not pressure you for extra services

It’s not unusual for your client to:
-Be a few minutes early if time allows
-Be appreciative of your time and services
-Put the money down discretely before the session
-Initiate a trip to the restroom to freshen up/shower
-Want to pleasure you

And while it’s nice when it happens, you should never expect your client to:
-Watch the clock for you
-Leave early
-Be in perfect health
-Take you out for paid social time or shopping trips
-Tip
-Be perfectly clean all over***
-Be good at pleasuring you

Now that we’ve set our expectations in a realistic place, we can move forward. When things we reasonably expect to happen don’t happen, we have options, the least productive of which is to be angry. We can simply not see that provider or client again, we can write a review or an alert detailing the issue factually without emotion, or we can waste our emotional resources on an already unsatisfying experience. I know what I would do.

Obviously I didn’t include things like ‘you should expect your client to not rape or kill you’ and ‘you should expect your provider to not arrest or rob you’ but those seemed a bit obvious and, except for rare occasions, should not be necessary to enumerate.

So next time you find yourself walking away from a session disappointed, check your expectations before you get angry. If you feel entitled to extra time or services because you’ve been seeing a lady for ages, check your expectations.

…I say to the choir. If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of my darlings who exceeds my expectations regularly. These unrealistic expectations are a phenomenon I often see on forums and boards but rarely see in person. I hope, if you read this and I resonates with you, that you are able to understand both sides of this unusually intimate dynamic and it helps you empathize with your provider or your client when they ask for or begin to expect more than is realistic.

*This is a tricky one since we can’t explicitly advertise specific services but for massage/FBSM/erotic bodywork/body rub/etc you can reasonably expect to be touched all over, Have her attempt to give you at least one orgasm, and have shower facilities available. Skill level, mutual touch, kissing, cuddling, enthusiasm, energy level, and more are variable and require research into reviews and advertising analysis. For full service, you can reasonably expect to receive oral sex (most ladies will indicate whether they provide oral sex with or without a condom), cuddle, and experience penetrative sex. Most ladies will allow you to give them oral and will kiss you; if they do not they will usually indicate that or it will show up in her reviews. Even then, if you have Erectile dysfunction or other issues you may not be able to engage in penetrative sex. This is not your provider’s fault.

**Off menu services are exactly that: off menu. While some providers will provide them for an additional fee, many will not offer them at all. A client is welcome to ask, a single time, for off menu services and be satisfied with the answer. Asking again after being told ‘no’ is not cool. Asking multiple times, pressuring, guilting, or attempting are all grounds to end a session early and potentially blacklist the client.

***Faces, fingernails, and butts are the bare minimum. Use wet wipes instead of TP if you’re not planning on a shower. Wash your hands and rinse your mouth with mouthwash at the start and end of the session. File, don’t cut, your fingernails And scrub underneath them. Nobody likes bacterial vaginitis. If you can’t avoid stubble or have a particularly bristly beard, go easy on her skin, particularly if you’re giving her oral as that’s a very delicate, sensitive area and stubble can steal orgasms. Shaving mere hours before is not a guarantee you won’t have stubble. If she offers oral sex without a condom, rinse your penis with water (under your foreskin if you have one) and wash your balls with shampoo or soap. All the way to your anus. When in doubt, ask. Take chlorophyll tablets regularly.

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Power Under You

Some have disparaged sex workers for “making money lying on their backs.” First, that kind of sounds like they make money by sleeping which sounds freaking awesome.

In reality they’re making an argument on power dynamics. It’s the idea of a woman debasing herself, permitting a client to exercise control over her very body, allowing him intimate access. The thing is, the only way this intimacy and access is repulsive is if it is absent consent. Those who look down on sex work look down on it because they imagine that anyone to whom they would deny consent is someone everyone would deny consent. They imagine themselves in this situation and feel revulsion, fear, a deep desire to maintain control and deny consent. What they fail to imagine is that someone else might not share those feelings. Funny, this seems to be the core of most conflicts.

I had the chance to sit across from Sierra Cirque for a while yesterday afternoon and we briefly lit on consent and power dynamics in a sub/Dom relationship. In a healthy relationship with that power dynamic, the submissive is the powerful partner. The submissive is the one who dictates what activities will and will not occur and has the power to stop all activity immediately. Those guidelines are outlined outside of the scene or play in order that the submissive may feel totally comfortable under the ministrations of the dominant partner. It means that, inside the scene, the submissive partner can totally surrender, relax, absorb the sensations, and enjoy the release from responsibility.

When you come to me and agree to lay nude on my table and let me touch you intimately, you are assuming the submissive role. We don’t generally sit and outline do’s and don’t’s because the activities we engage in are commonly understood but I do constantly monitor your body’s reactions and ask permission to proceed if you seem nervous or uncomfortable. You get to completely relax in the knowledge that I will only do to and with you things you want and I will do them very well. I am the dominant partner but truly you are in control.

In a full service capacity, the client is often the doer. You may passively receive oral but most other common sexual activity is done by the penetrating party to the penetrated party so a vanilla ‘GFE’ full service session involves the client in the dominant role and the provider in the submissive role. But as we saw before, the submissive is truly the one in control. The provider can deny consent to any activity at any time; all good clients, trustworthy dominants, will stop. The provider is NOT in a position of base subservience to the client, regardless of how it may appear from the outside. No one who has been in a healthy sexual relationship can mistake that dynamic.

While it does occur that clients will proceed despite revoked consent it is NOT common and the consequences can range from blacklisting to revenge to LE intervention, depending on the provider. When we screen, whether by name, references, or tone of voice, we are making sure that you are a trustworthy dominant, that when we say yellow you slow down and when we say red you will stop.

So while many sex workers spend a good deal of time in missionary position, we are far from helpless victims of evil men wishing to exercise complete control over our fragile feminine selves. I don’t know any of my sisters who hate the idea of ‘making money on their backs’ as long as it’s the correct amount as listed on her ad or website, haha.

In other news, Sierra Cirque is seriously a cool cat with an extraordinarily broad repertoire of sexual skills. If you’re looking for a tall slender brunette to do all sorts of fun, naughty, and possibly intense things to you, you should hook up. Www.sierracirque.com

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A Day In The Life

I’ve been meaning to write this up for the other lady who uses my space so she knows exactly what and when to do when she comes in to entertain. So, say I have a one hour appointment at 11a; this is my day.

Wake up, usually naturally, sometime around 8:30 or nine. Make a cup of coffee, listen to the news, and throw some easy clothes on. The last bus I can catch leaves just after ten and gets me downtown by about 10:30. I practice my french on the ride and then enjoy a lovely walk through Freeway Park. When I arrive at my door, it’s been about half an hour since I left home and I’m only halfway ready.

I drop off my shoes by the door so I don’t track in the debris of the morning and then leave my satchel in a cupboard or the closet so it’s out of the way. I also immediately divest myself of all clothing, having worked up a bit of heat on the walk up the hill.

Now nude, I begin setup. The table comes out of the closet and gets unfolded, a layer of towels and padding goes on top, then the waterproof cover, then a pillow and a sheet and I make sure the various cushions and extras are easy to hand. The little crock pot gets plugged in and I make sure the coconut oil has time to melt and warm up. All this takes between ten and fifteen minutes.

After the table is set up I have fifteen minutes to shower, add makeup, and choose my wardrobe for the session (admittedly not very difficult, haha). If there are dishes to wash, laundry to start, mouthwash to refill, shelves to dust, vacuuming to do, linens to fold, shelves to install, stains to scrub, or any of the little things that constantly need doing, I fit them into the few spare minutes I have before you arrive.

Then you come in and I get to relax for an hour. You know what happens then 🙂

After you depart, the first thing I do is wash my hands and I’ll usually wash a dish or two while I’ve got soap in the sink. I check my phone for messages or updates, then strip the table, sanitize it and all points of contact including handles, the bottle of oil, and any cushions or pillows we used. After it all goes in the wash, I hop in the shower. Depending on whether I’m washing my hair or not that can take anywhere from two to twenty minutes. Then I strip the clean waterproof cover, towels, and other padding off the table, fold it back up, and put it away in the closet.

During all this I notice little things that need cleaning, for example toothpaste spots in the sink, wet dust in the shower, ‘sprinkles’ on the commode, handprints or oil rings on the kitchen counter, whatever little messes I’ve made, and clean them as I find them. It’s incredible the tiny things that accumulate quickly. Every day I notice water spots on the mirror and wipe them off, scum accumulating in the tub and I scrub it out, bits and pieces of leaves and I vacuum or pick them up, dust and I wipe it down, hand prints, book titles strewn about, blankets in the wrong place, and every day I try to remember to water my doomed and dying houseplant(s). For every appointment it takes about half an hour of cleaning up and preparation and for that first appointment of the day it takes another half our to get into town so I can even start to get ready.

At the end of the day I make sure laundry is folded or at least in the dryer, the table is clean and put away, fresh towels are where they need to be, the blinds are down for privacy, lights are off, everything is clean and dry and ready for the next day. I’m the last thing to get ready: clothes come back on, my daily needs go back into the satchel, and I do my last minute check that I have my bus pass, phone, keys, jacket, and anything else I need to take home.

***

Mistress Matisse tweeted a while back about cleaning sex toys with a tooth brush. One of our local social coordinators started a ladies’ forum that makes a joke out of the mundane day-to-day of sex work. I see photos of my friend’s exotic vacations and expensive lingerie and it’s such a funny contrast to the daily reality of the work. On the one hand, we make a high wage and are rewarded for a glamorous image with more clients and even higher wages but on the other hand, before our clients arrive and after they leave, we live in a cloud of cleaning fumes and under an ever-present mound of laundry.

I had someone say with astonishment “you must make so much money” when they found out my average weekly schedule. I had to chuckle because that’s both correct and incorrect. Yes, a great deal of cash flows into my hands on a somewhat regular basis but no, I don’t get to keep as much as you might think. Most small business owners get tax incentives to grow and succeed but I do not. So not only am I spending up to two grand a month on rent, utilities, and supplies but I can’t deduct them from my taxable income. I also am responsible for two people’s health insurance, vacation package, retirement savings and other things usually provided by an employer. Add to that the normal bills and expenses of living in seattle and you find a much smaller net income than it might seem on the surface. I’m not doing poorly, but my gross income last year was within earshot of Seattle’s single earner average income which is around 70,000. Keeping in mind that Seattle’s average wage is inflated due to the high salaries of amazon, Microsoft, and other tech industries here. That’s before all those expenses I mentioned that are sometimes hidden in employment benefits for the average wage earner.

I know this isn’t really that interesting and it does kind of part the veil, but it’s been on my mind lately and I thought I’d share anyway. And this is me, a relatively stable, privileged, childless white woman with no debt. Imagine if I were in a position where I had children or parents to care for. Imagine how much harder this would be if I had student debt to service. What if I or someone I loved had a substance abuse issue? I see conversations on local discussion boards about high prices in seattle because, as the consumer, you don’t see the hidden costs or the delicate balance of work and leisure to avoid burnout, you only see a high (and rising) sticker price. I’m not complaining about the complaining and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind, I just thought it would be interesting to share my routine.

I will admit that, when things are running smoothly, I get a lot of downtime. I make sure to leave a full hour in between sessions and once I’m settled completely into the new place I’ll probably revert to my habit of redditing for long chunks of time and playing silly games on my phone. That hour or so of cleaning and getting myself present and ready for you isn’t, when compared with the rewards of meeting you, any more than a minor inconvenience. While it is frustrating to find that even though I scrubbed out the tub just last week it’s got grime building up already and I try not to look at the sink because I don’t want to wash any more dishes, at the end of the day it’s really not that bad.

Though I will say one last thing and that is that yesterday I cleaned for almost two hours and then had to stand on the bus which was extremely slow because two of the express lanes were closed. I’m rarely reduced to tears of frustration but the constant jolting, muscle soreness, and overall tiredness grated on me until I finally got to sit down nearly 45 minutes after boarding the bus. *sigh*. I can’t wait for the new light rail stations.

Oh, and I heard through the grape vine that Old Cowboy is improving! What a fighter!