It’s been a While…

It’s been too long and I apologize. I’ve been distracted by many little things and a few big ones. The pressure to post was too great. I drafted a post some time ago but it because such a monstrosity that I couldn’t bring myself to return. A few people have asked to see if I’m ok which prompts me to return to my blog and share a little about what’s been going on lately.

In the last month I have established a cuddle closet. I’m not 100% on what I’m going to do with it yet, but I like it. I’m hoping to get some photos up soon but I have yet to establish a good time with my photographer so that’s up in the air.

I have also watched five seasons of the crime drama ‘Bones’ which is adorable but doesn’t inspire the kinds of thoughts that make good blog posts. I do recommend the show, but don’t try watching and eating at the same time. Melting ice cream and melting flesh have similar visual textures and for some reason my desire for ice cream has dampened of late. I have also invested far too much time into a cute game called Plants Versus Zombies which I do not recommend because you will never escape the urge to play. Because of those two diversions I have only finished two books over the last month, one of which is a sequel to The Last Policeman. I will review it but it will be short and mostly an addendum to the first.

I leased a car so I have faster transportation. It was almost necessary because my incall has a laundry room in the basement but not in-unit. I prefer to take my laundry home rather than pack quarters around and hang out in the basement of the old building I practice in. Having a car makes that far easier.

We went out of town for a week to visit family and get away from cell phones and such. Of course my partner spent most of the week elbows deep in plumbing, replacing a great deal of old copper piping, and the whole time we didn’t have hot water, but it was good to get away. The last night we spent in a hotel in Spokane (hot showers, Oh My God) and went out celebrating the end of vacation (I may have celebrated a bit too much). I met the most interesting young woman at a tiny bar in downtown Spokane. She makes her money by traveling between growing cannabis in Hawaii and selling it in Spokane. She and I got along quite well and both of us lamented that in almost every instance, the women we wish to invite into bed with us and our partners already have partners of their own! I’m pleased for them, but it leaves me wishing that perhaps there were more single women in the world that aren’t me ;-P In any case, it was an eventful week.

I’m currently training a new night auditor to take my place. The end is near but not yet in sight. Once she steps in, I’ll have Sundays and Mondays available at my incall. Currently I spend those days sleeping so I’m not a zombie at work which would make me a less than ideal companion for my gentlemen callers. Once I no longer require day-sleep I can offer my time alert and engaged at times that are hopefully more convenient.

The marvelous Adelle and I have been getting together to share experience. She is a great teacher and quite the professional. I do hope to do another duo or two with her over the next little while. Haha, honestly part of me just wants to sit back and watch; she is a magnificent sight with her toes pointed and her back arched as she dances across her patron’s body. She is far more acrobatic than I and her wit and opinions are quite delightfully pointed. I’m hoping to organize a nice little spa day with her and I and a good friend of mine as well. Sometimes we need to take our turn getting pampered after spending all our time pampering you gents 😉

So that’s the big update. Again, I apologize for the lapse in updates and posts. Now that I’m back in the swing of things I hope to get back to regular posting.

 

XO

Christina

Heart of Darkness

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad is one of the great novels everyone is supposed to read. I read it. I also read lots of other novels you’re supposed to read. It did not stand out in whole, but in part.

The story is fairly well known and if you don’t know it and don’t like reading, you can watch Apocalypse Now and read the Cliff notes. They will not convey the same impression. I know because I did that. Sort of. The movie isn’t on netflix so I didn’t get to actually watch the film, but I did read the Cliff notes and a series of study guides. You see this was my very first book club book and I wanted to be prepared, especially since it was so… old. And slow. I will first give a short synopsis, then critique the writing itself, then move on to the story.

Marlow is an old man keeping late watch with his crewmembers. There is no wind and so they are stuck anchored at a rivermouth, somewhere safe and close to home. He begins to tell the story of his first command, on the Congo River during the period of Dutch colonialism. As a young man he yearned to explore the blank spaces on the maps and had alwasy been drawn particularly to the Congo River. He pulls a few strings and a friendly (but mostly well-connected) aunt lands him a captaincy on a steam ship destined for a station deep into the Congo. On the way to the mouth of the Congo Marlow begins to see signs of abuse; the ‘pilgrims’ who are supposed to be civilizing the natives are in fact killing and enslaving them, though under the names of ‘enemy’, ‘prisoner’, ‘rebel’, and ‘savage’. Once at the outpost where he is to assume command of the ship, he discovers it has since been sunk and must be repaired before he embarks. The time it takes to rehabilitate the ship gives Marlow a chance to get to know, then develop a thorough distaste for all the people working at this outpost. He finds that his mission is to go upriver and retreive an agent named Kurtz. Based on what the other agents have to say, Marlow decides he respects this rogue agent more than the self-serving men he’s so far met and develops an intense desire to hear him. Marlow and several of the other agents finally make it up the river only to discover that Kurtz, so far thought to be a man of noble intentions, has gone mad and set himself up as a god among the natives. They survive an attack and Marlow rescuse/kidnaps Kurtz in the middle of the night. Kurtz was extremely ill when they captured him and only lasts a few days more on the ship with Marlow and the other agents. His last words, made famous by the film Apocalypse Now, are ‘the horror! The horror!” Marlow finds himself thoroughly disgusted with the whole affair and decides to return home and take time for himself. He disburses Kurtz’s remaining personal effects to pseudo-intellectuals and Dutch Company agents (Kurtz had written what came to be a very famous treatise on the ‘savages’) and finally to his fiance he left behind. He visits her to provide closure, though for whom we can only guess. He tells her that Kurtz’s last words were her name as he can’t imagine telling a woman the truth, she’s too fragile. We are left at the end of a great story. There is action, adventure, unrequited love, insanity, moral ambiguity, and a story arc that cuts through an incredible backdrop of jungle scenery. Unfortunately, much of the potential in the story is stripped away by the too-obvious moralizing and explanations.

The book is remarkable for many reasons. It brings to light atrocities that up until then had been swept under the rug. At the time of publication, slavery had been abolished in Europe for some time but in the Belgian Congo and many other colonial territories, slavery still existed in a very real way, clothed in different names but the same beast within. It is also remarkable in that Joseph Conrad was not a native English speaker. His Polish heritage he eschewed for British citizenship and he adopted the language and culture. Rarely do we find a classic that was not written in the author’s native tongue. The novella is remarkable in that it was shocking, gritty, in much the way the movie fashioned in its image is shocking, gritty, and dark. However, the novel has not matured well.

The title Heart of Darkness is repeated verbatim some ten time in a hundred and twenty pages. That is only the most obvious of the problems and a symptom of the major flaw in this novel. The themes of light and dark might be interesting were they not so overemphasized. Even the light skin of the agents and the dark skin of the natives is used as a metaphor for culture and savagery. It is dark when Marlow ‘rescues’ Kurtz. The jungle is dark and dim any time Conrad wants to make the reader feel apprehension and is light when he wants us to be relaxed and delve into the supporting characters. The use of scenery to induce feelings is not bad, but the way Conrad essentially tells the reader how to feel based on the lighting conditions feels forced, as if we are reading with blinders, not allowed to see anything that might distract us. The most painful use of the light/dark theme is the final scene, when Kurtz’s fiance is dressed all in black, the room is dark, the only light is from the woman’s forehead. Conrad goes to great lengths to make a big deal out of this noble creature, tainted by Kurtz’s darkness but having that one vestige of light left. It just seems so forced.

The most obvious theme and the one most mentioned when discussing the book is the nature of civilization. Kurtz is painted as a man who was once great. He had hopes to convert and civilize the savages. He was one of the few who had a true vision and the oratory power to see it realized. His intensity of being leads directly to his corruption. All we see of his fall are the last few days and a few clues in a treatise he leaves behind. The essay is on how to civilize the savage and it suggests early on that white people should pose as gods in order to win them over and control them so we can teach them and bring them to the light (there it is again *sigh*). The work is brilliantly written right up to the end where a note in the margin reads “Kill the savages” denoting a severe mental break between the civilized agent of the Dutch Colonies and the crazed maniac who engages in unspeakable rites and sets himself up as some sort of divine agent. We are supposed to ask ourselves whether it is the chains of civilization that hold us together or the pull of savagery that draws us into madness. While the question may be posed, it seems obvious by Marlow’s actions that any relatively normal human will be repulsed by the savagery and comforted by civilization which pretty much ends that discussion before it can begin.

I dislike it when my emotions are manipulated so obviously. If I want to feel sad I’ll go listen to some soldier-themed country music. If I want to be angry I’ll browse /r/theredpill. If I want to feel smart I’ll read The New Yorker. I read this book because it is considered a classic. It’s supposed to provoke great discussions but I feel like the morals and lessons are so obvious it would take some creativity to draw good discussion from it. It’s supposed to shed light on incredible atrocities but I am with Chinua Achebe when he says that Conrad’s novels contribute more to racial stereotypes than to an understanding or remedying of the atrocities he mentions. It’s supposed to beg some questions about the nature of humanity and civilization but I feel force fed some moral truth, that civilization is important and fanaticism, given a moment of freedom, will return to madness and bestiality. I still want to see Apocalypse Now. The light and dark imagery so obvious in the book might take some actual noticing since it’s only background to a scene in a film. The relevance of the subject matter is pulled into the twentieth century by setting it in Vietnam instead of the Belgian Congo. This is one rare case in which the movie translation, because it is forced by its very nature to trim excess weight, might be better than the book. I’ll let you know.

 

House of Cards (TV Show)

Politics is an interesting topic, oft shunned but still fascinating. We tear apart the lives of those who put themselves up to bat and in turn they cater to the wealthy elite who can afford to purchase their loyalties. We are skeptical of their honesty, motivations, personal lives, commitment… everything. House of Cards is a show that does no favors to the political atmosphere. It follows the machinations of Congressman Francis Underwood as he gets revenge and jockeys for influence with other politicians and businessmen. His quest for power leaves dozens in his wake, anyone who chooses to oppose him ends up manipulated into a corner where they are either forced into the fold or picked off and destroyed.

The show is all about relationships. It has been said that only by giving power can you get it and that is perfectly clear in this drama. The primary relationship in the story is between Congressman Underwood and his wife. The two make the ultimate power couple: ruthless, goal oriented, and fully in sync with each other. They call in favors on each others’ behalf and are complicit in each others’  schemes. Their relationship is both loving and working. We see moments of love and devotion to each other and we also see flares of anger and moments or infidelity. Everything is for the good of the couple as a pair, not for one above the other. Friction arises not when they have affairs or when they expect favors from eacho ther but when one acts for the good of one over the other. I find that fascinating. They are the perfect couple, outwardly. Faithful, loving, supportive, and sweet southern hosts, she plays the trophy wife to a T while being just as manipulative in running her charity as he is in Washington fighting for more and more power. He calls in favors on behalf of her charity and plays the doting husband and southern gentleman as he is expected. Both keep up pretenses so thoroughly that they rarely break down, even at home. Mutual understanding of the working nature of their relationship allows for moments of genuine love and appreciation. It’s difficult for me to fathom, much less analyze their relationship as I’m incapable of that kind of duplicitousness, manipulation, and drive. Something motivates these two, some sort of thirst for power and influence, that is beyond the thoughts of someone such as I who is content to build a little nest and spend time sharing it with no strings or second thoughts.

There are few other consistent relationships in the narrative, a testament to the shifting alliances between politicians. Each relationship is worth only what it can contribute to the Congressman’s power base and as each person’s offering change, the relationships become worth more or less all the time. It’s difficult to figure out exactly what the plans are and what the Congressman’s intentions are because one moment he’s pressuring someone to lose a battle and the next moment he’s fighting for the same person to win a different fight. He builds and destroys people based on whether they are helping him or getting in his way. It’s like watching a boxing match or a controlled burn. Everything is orchestrated for maximum destruction, but only where necessary. Other things are protected as long as they are useful. It’s horrifying and fascinating at the same time.

Congressman Underwood is scripted to break the fourth wall judiciously and to great effect. His asides let us in on some of his motivations, strategies, and Machiavellian words of wisdom. It’s a fun way for the audience to join him in his plans and uncertainties, as well as his many moments of gloating. I have to admire him for his ambition, but his methods are far beyond questionable. I will watch this show to the end, just to find out what happens and how they get there. Intrigue? Excitement? Murder? A web of lies and machinations? count me in!

Warning as to nudity and swearing and some crude attitudes, especially towards sex workers, but it is plot critical. I like it. If you have time it’s worth checking out.

Spring is here!!!

And has been for almost a week now. I’m feeling it. I can see new shoots on our house plants and every time I go to the hardware store I remind myself to pick up those little starter planters so we can start seedlings. We have enormous south facing windows and a sliding door leading to the balcony. I’ve started taking after cats and curling up in pools of warm sunshine, relaxing and blissing out. My biggest regret is that I work at night and sleep during the day. I miss out on that impulse to go outside and explore.

Here is my average Monday: First of all, it’s actually a Saturday. My work week begins at ten on Saturday night, one of the worst times to be in the service industry. I worked the night of the Superbowl and had to ride the bus -TO WORK- with a bunch of fans. I’m happy for them, I even went out to watch the game with friends, but going to work that night was not what I want to do on a normal Saturday night, much less a loud, obnoxious, drunk one. That was the worst but Saturday nights are often like that: drunk people, too late for an express bus, and a whole long night full of nothing, if I’m lucky. I didn’t mind it for the longest time. I have time to write, to read, and I got a lot of homework done while I was in school. Plus it was exciting to sleuth through the day’s transactions to find mistakes and solutions. After a while, though, it gets tiring. I could be sleeping right now and in the morning I could have a leisurely breakfast, then go to my space and see one of my lovely friends, then maybe go out for lunch and listen to the birds sing. Instead, I drop into bed as soon as I get home and sleep until my partner gets home. We have dinner and a few moments, then I leave again. Three days of that, thank goodness it’s only three days, then I get Tuesday.

Tuesday is always interesting because I never know if I’m going to be exhausted or excited. I try to stay up most of the day so I’ll be able to sleep that night. Depending on the feel of the day I might get some errands done or I might just go home and sleep a little, then get up and putter until he gets home, then have a few drinks and try to sleep. Tuesdays are often either crazy or blissful, mostly since it’s the first day that I get to fall asleep at night in my own bed and wake up with normal people. If I slept the day before much I often end up waking up before the sunrise which is always beautiful. There’s something about early mornings like that that, even though I’m not a morning person, can soothe a soul.

Now that spring is here and change is coming, I’ll be switching back to being a creature of the day. A woman who sleeps at night and lives during the day. It also means that my Sundays and Mondays will come available for me to visit with my gentlemen. As always, reflected on my calendar is an up-to-the minute look at dates and times I anticipate being available. I’m so excited for spring!

Your Courtesan

She wears black every time. It’s almost like she’s found a uniform, though the fabric and style changes. You’ve been back so many times you’ve started to see the same ones, hear the same songs, but it doesn’t matter. That’s not what you’re here for. You’ve watched the furniture come in, seen the walls sprout new colors, helped hang a painting or two, but that’s just being helpful. That’s not what you’re here for. She’s been chatting about the last week. There’s something new but you don’t remember what it was. That’s not what you’re here for. The room is warm and smells sweet, of vanilla, cinnamon, coconut, and lavender. It’s nice, but unimportant. That’s not what you’re here for. She finally lays her hands on you, covered with warm oil, firm yet soft and femenine. There. That’s what you’re here for. The rattle of the radiator fades, the sirens and horns and people talking outside drift into your subconscious. THAT is what you’re here for.

Warm hands, warm oil, and warm words caress you, stroking away stress and the daily monotony. Your shoulders begin to relax. That spot on your back doesn’t hurt so much now. You always forget how awesome a butt massage feels until it happens again, every time. The moments slip away as your legs and feet receive her minstrations. Your arms and hands are coaxed into some semblance of calm. Every once in a while you open your eyes and catch a glimpse of warm rounded hips or a soft curve in her waist. Her breasts brush softly against you as she leans down to trail little tiny kisses down your spine. She smells clean and faintly of woman.

She’s covered you from head to toe in long strokes, kneading motions, caresses, kisses, and a generous amount of oil. She’s been teasing you off and on about what she’d love to do to you and you happily allow it. The contrast between the relaxation and the arousal is electrifying. You’ve wanted this since you walked in the door and now it’s here, an explosion of endorphins followed by long, slow, panting aftercare. As long as you’re here she will use her hands to the best of her knowledge to show you how great you are. Sexy. Desired. Relaxed. Smart. Funny. Helpful. Loved. This is what you’re here for. This is what you’ll come back for.

Authentic Courtesan Experience

There has been a lot of talk over the last year about GFE. What does it mean? Why do we use it? Where did the term come from? I’ve always been a little confused about the term. Most of the people I see already have or had girlfriends or wives. If you want an experience with a girlfriend, why go outside the relationship? I guess that means that it isn’t really a girlfriend experience they seek, it’s something else.

Maybe it’s a polite way of finding a menu. In past discussions some have mentioned that GFE means kissing and hugging, talking, and making it all the way to home base. it’s a way to ensure the client knows mostly what to expect so he can choose a provider whose preferences match his. In the more polite corners of our little world, it’s not really ok to ask what you are and aren’t allowed to do, you have to go by reviews and then just kind of let the situation develop and hope you find someone who clicks. A provider calling herself GFE helps outline the basics of her services, making it easier to choose. Valuable, but not really girlfriend-like.

Perhaps it’s more to indicate the feel of the session. She says GFE so that means she’ll treat you with love and enthusiasm. You can be sure, within reason, that your time together will feel genuine, but not so genuine that she complains about work or has a headache today. It helps build the illusion and smooth over the awkward moments when the economic part of the relationship becomes obvious.

I am of the camp that the GFE acronym is overused. The meaning is too broadly applied. Undefined. I think what people are looking for is the Genuine Escort Experience. We see much of it here in Seattle and we are lucky. We see versions of it in Adelle, Tanuki, Chloe May, Myself, Sarah Nicole, Larissa, and dozens more I can’t think of off the top of my head. All the previous I have met in person. They are women who love sex, love people, and provide a genuine experience. We aren’t your girlfriend. We will never be angry with you because you’ve been away too long, we relish that you have returned. We do not poison your day with venom and spite on our coworkers, we provide a calm space to relax and vent. We do not bore you with routine, we dedicate space and time to your comfort, your relaxation, your desire and lust. This is not a girlfriend experience, this is an enthusiatstic provider experience.

As an enthusiastic provider, I love what I do. There is no farce or facade, there is only a joy and pride in what I do. When I anticipate your call, I am thinking about what will make you feel good. What will make you comfortable. What will make you feel sexy and relaxed. Not to say I don’t make that effort for my partner, but the day to day living makes special occasions harder to find/make. For client and provider, that hour, that moment, is everything. It is the entire relationship. In lieu of GFE I would advocate Courtesan. She knows who she is, why she does this work, and how to do it well. That is what I think we are looking for when we ask for GFE: a genuine experience with a sexual woman who isn’t a girlfriend but who is a professional companion. There is no awkwardness in the economic aspect of the courtesan relationship because it is beautiful and respected. There is no need to cloak it in relationship terminology.

I am all in favor of abolishing acronyms. Perhaps ‘Courtesan’ is a good replacement.

New space, coming soon

I’ve been frightfully out of contact for some time and I apologize. I’ve been waiting until my new location is settled. As of last week I signed a lease on a little studio on First Hill. It is painfully rudimentary, but operational and I hope to entertain as early as this Tuesday. I won’t have much by way of furniture but the necessities are there.

I’ve been having both a painful and joyful time of it. The building is a bit on the older side and there are quirks but the location is great, the size is fine, and the price is right. I’ve been going over design ideas and I’m excited for artwork, artistic mirrored tiles on the walls, fresh romantic paint, and a delicious vintage style couch. For the first half hour I sat on the floor and looked at the walls, imagined the warmth and intimacy they would bring to my guests and myself, and I felt a posession, an ownership. I think for a while it will be a work in progress. Much as many of you have been able to watch my progress in the hobby, you will be able to watch as this little slice of heaven evolves into a romantic love nest, warm, comforting, sensual, and intimate.

In the meantime, please forgive my reticence. I’m not ignoring anyone, I’m simply busy between working my ‘day’ job and putting all this together. I have a list of emails to send to those I have already seen or screened. Once I feel I have given my returning callers a chance to reserve time with me I’ll solicit appointments from new friends and once I’ve responded to my patient callers I’ll make a general announcement that I’m ready to open my space to new solicitors. Thank you for your patience and eagerness. The pressure to be operational is a good motivator. I hate to keep you boys waiting.

Stoner by John Williams

No, this has nothing to do with weed. The novel Stoner is a human drama, the story of William Stoner: son, husband, father, lover, scholar, stoic. Born to poor farmers in Mississippi, Stoner allows his father to direct his fate by attending Columbia university’s school of agriculture in the hopes he can bring back expertise to make the farm more successful. During a sophmore english survey class he falls in love with literature and switches to a literature major. He fails to tell his parents until after graduation that he will not return to help them on the farm at which point his future is once again directed by outside events. World War One is in full swing and the dearth of able bodied men means recent graduate William Stoner finds an open teaching position at his alma mater. After a year or two teaching, our shy, unassuming protagonist meets a beautiful young woman and pursues a goal for the first time in his life. Despite that his fate is yet again decid by another. The mother of his prospective bride decides the details of their nuptuals and we, the readers, have hint after hint that it is not the young woman’s destination as a married woman that motivates her but her past as a coddled but unloved and possibly even abused little girl. His marriage is rocky due in part to his wife’s neuroses and in part to his stoicism which presents as a total lack of reaction.

This story is an intensley human story. I was browsing reddit the other day and came across an admission from a young man who had questioned and rejected his Christian beliefs over time. After telling a shortened version of his conversion, he asks if he should write a book of his story. The concensus was “no, your story isn’t interesting enough” but I disagree. After reading Stoner I think a life doesn’t have to be spectacular to be meaningful and to make a story worth writing about.

First in making the story worth reading was the poetic language. It is, of course, prose, but the word choices evoke such beauty, even amid sorrow, that the story is lifted from the mundane to the extraordinary. Stoner lives through both world wars, participates in neither, and yet is profoundly changed by the war culture which surrounds him. He observes the depression, his wife’s family is directly affected by the stock market crash, yet his position as a tenured professor is under no threat. He observes the world as almost an outsider. The words Williams uses to craft the story of a life are emotionally evocative regardless of whether he describes the intellectual devotion between scholars in love, the joy of rearing a beautiful daughter, Stoner’s pain at his wife’s machinations, or the threadbare connection between Stoner and his family.

Aside from the beautiful and evocative language, the pure humanity of Stoner’s life resonates with anyone who has ever dealt with difficult relationships or moral ambiguity. He is the archetypal stoic, doing what he is supposed to without complaint. He writes his book, teaches his students, rears his child, and cares for his ailing wife all with the same plodding fortitude that we both pity and admire. We, the readers, know that his marriage is toxic and wish escape for him, but it doesn’t even occur to him to seek an out. We can see that he should stand up for himself at home and at work but he doesn’t imagine himself some sort of hero, he simply does what he feels is expected of him with no reservations.

Another aspect of the novel that sets it apart is its subtlety. I’ve read a few books recently (reviews pending) that irritated me in their childishness. I resent feeling my emotions manipulated by superfluous scenes and being spoon fed my philosophy. I mentioned when reviewing some of Robert Heinlein’s novels that while I appreciate the sexual forwardness of his dystopian futures, those same mores are so obvious they are almost insulting. Williams writes about Stoner’s actions, the scenes he finds himself in, but not much about emotions or motivations. There is a scene in the book where Stoner’s wife goes home after her father dies. She painstakingly separates out every item her father has ever given her or been responsible for and destroy it. Williams doesn’t tell us why, nor does he employ the omnipotent narrator to tell us how she feels about it, we simply see the scene and are free to draw our own conclusions. Another scene where Stoner and his lover are writing together, composing surveys of literature independent from each other but in the same room. Their work is interrupted often by lovemaking but again, there is very little to tell us how the characters feel other than what we see. Williams paints brilliant, poignant scenes for us and allows us to see what we wish in them.

We watch William Stoner as he stands up for academic integrity and gets bitten for it. He stands up for his relationship with his daughter and is manipulated out of his home because of it. He falls in love and disregards social mores and in turn watches his lover get run out of town. He works towards a relationship with his daughter only to watch her mother push her into a shotgun wedding and alcoholism. Through it all he remains quiet and thoughtful, a listener rather than a contributor, often helpless in the face of his circumstances. Here is a quiet life, remarkable in its plainness but beautifully wrought. John Williams is a brilliant author. I can only hope that someday someone will write about me the way he writes about William Stoner.

Good morning indeed

You fade into consciousness and slowly become aware of the sound of the wind in the darkness. You can tell it’s early because the light slanting through the blinds is faint, almost nonexistent. It takes a moment to remember where you are as your mind slowly comes up from sluggish sleep.

That’s where you are; you’re lying next to her. She smells sweetly of fruity shampoo and of the human scent of sleep: skin and breath and warmth. As you scoot into her back and wrap your arm around her she presses herself into you, her perky round bottom fitting like a spoon in a drawer against what is becoming a delightful early morning wood. You’ve wondered your whole life what it would be like to wake up to a woman who delighted in those uncontrollable moments and you smile as you think back on the first time you woke her with a little nudge from behind.

Her tiny early morning moans of appreciation just made it worse. Well, better as it turned out, but how were you to know? She surprised you by pulling your hand up to cup her breast before reaching down to appreciate that delightful chap with a mind all his own. “Good morning” she says, her voice still muffled with sleep. The inflection makes it very clear how she thinks you both can make it an even better morning. It had been such a long week for you both, last night sleep came early and hard and as they say: the mind is willing but the flesh is weak. Is it any wonder this morning came a little bringhter than the last?

Half asleep, you both move with each other, your arousal becoming more obvious all the time. Her arousal you can hear in her heavy breath andt he way she strokes you. With little else on either of your minds, love making in the morning has a delightful simplicity to it. No rushing, no stress, and the warm wash of dreams has left your minds blank except for each other. It’s not long before you both are naked, pressing against each other. She turns her head so she can kiss you, feel the press of your lips together and share hot breath.

The way you fit together perfectly makes this early morning lazy love easy and comfortable. You can wrap your arms around her, tangle your legs together, and she holds you with her arms behind her as you move together, inside her, pleasing and playing with her while she does the same to you. Of course before long you both are wide awake, breathing hard together, diving headling into pleasuring each other and yourselves. Both of your are selflessly selfish. There is no finish line or ulterior motive, it is simply making love. Each of you is inwardly focused and because of your giving nature, both of you are happy and satisfied with the selfishness of the other. You discovered the freedom to explore each other and yourselves long ago. This morning you meet with blank minds and open hearts as uou give and take, sliding at your own pace towards the satisfaction of your desires.

By the time morning twilight has begin to burn off the two of you lay in a panting heap, hot and wet with sweat. Satisfied. Awakened in the greatest possible way. It’s six thirty, half an hour before you meant to get up, and already you’ve accomplished something. The rest of the day will be as full or empty, as stressful or calm as it will be, but no matter. This morning made today a good day.

A personal history of sexuality

My most recent review of the Robert Heinlein novel ‘Friday’ has, as good fiction should, raised interesting thoughts that I feel are pertinent to my life, my professional activities, and my audience. I find it becoming appropriate to describe as best I can my sexuality and why I like what I like.

I am, above all, a pleaser. I love to watch and specially hear people affirm me and my abilities. You want to make me happy? Don’t try to do anything to me, simply relax and respond. I want to hear you grunt when I hit a sore spot and tell me that it feels good. I want to hear you breath hard and watch your muscles tense as you edge closer to climax. I want to see you smile at me when I come into view around the corner with a welcoming embrace. I want you to relax and find yourself drawn to come back time and time again because you enjoy what I do to you.

That’s a very important point. What makes me happiest is to DO TO YOU, not be done to.

It took me a good three or four years to overcome the social conditioning that has me quiet as a mouse when it comes to talking about sex with someone I’m having it with. I can talk the proverbial ear off people who aren’t my partner, but I learned early on that the male ego is extremely fragile and even the hint of dissatisfaction is grounds for hours of pouting and guilt tripping. Of course I now know that adults don’t pull that kind of crap but two years, my two first years, no less, of conditioning is not easy to get over. I have since stumbled my way into a relationship where being selfish was not only acceptable but actively encouraged. I found my partner urging me to please myself and what finally allowed me to give over was him letting me know in no uncertain terms that it was hot as hell and he hoped I’d do it as often as I wanted. The fact that getting off got him off allowed me to justify my selfishness and finally I started consistently climaxing, though still not every time. That dynamic is something I reserve for him. It is why I choose not to offer mutual touch or full service. He has earned that by his patient selflessness which he exercised long before we went to bed together. I cannot exercise that selfishness with just anyone.

It helps that we’ve had the time to crack the code, as it were. I would describe my equipment as a massive combination lock with a dozen, constantly changing stops on the dial. It also has a self destruct feature where trying too many times basically breaks it and I have to wait until next time to try again. Of course I still love sex for its own sake and always have, but having other people try to fumble through it when even I don’t know how it works is not ideal. My perfect sexscapade is orally pleasuring each other for exorbitant amounts of time, then getting in some vogorous but breif action, then cuddling.

I realize that many of you are also givers and that you get off on getting your partners off. I appreciate and identify with that SO much. I’ve been on the receiving end of several of your massages, gifts, and attention which makes me feel good. You know why it makes me feel good? Because it makes you happy. It doesn’t matter what your gifts or praise are, as long as they are genuine (which is why ‘perfect’ is a word I don’t much like), I will like them. It’s like a big circle of happiness that runs round and round, making both of us brighter with each circuit. It doesn’t matter whether your massage is light or firm, I feel physically good, so you feel good, so I feel good, and the loop returns. I’m not sure I’m explaining it very well but those of you who are like me will understand. Just making someone else happy fills up your love cup, you don’t need anyone to do it back to get the effect.

I’m pointing this out because I have had people ask me what I want to be done to me to make me happy. My answer is and always will be: nothing. Leave me in control of the situation so I am mentally pleased and satisfied. Let me know that you are pleased with what I do for you. Relax. Breathe. Feel. That is my reward and why I love what I do.