Not Forever

“I am sometimes amazed that such wrenching cruel pain can be inflicted without the slightest hint of intent or even awareness. When that girl lit up on seeing her boyfriend, she didn’t imagine it could cause anyone pain. Obviously you aleady know this, but I just find it astonishing.
The way her eyes lit up, her face, her impulsive joy…to see that, and know it can never be you. To see that, and be forced to comprehend the immense gulf between you and a normal guy, between his experience in life and yours.
And you can’t say anything about it, you can’t complain or even just express a quiet sorrow about it. Even here, someone will come along and bitch about you thinking you’re ‘entitled’. And even if they didn’t, there’s no point in complaining anyhow. There’s no one to complain to; no one made any decision and no one can change this.
You wish someone’s eyes would light up like that for you. That’s all. It’s very simple and sad and empty. But you can’t seem to make it happen. Somehow, advice about lifting weights and being yourself falls a bit flat when 10,000 girls in a row have seen you and their eyes have remained unanimously unlit.
It isn’t something you can ask for. What a bizarre conversation that would be. “Hey, would you mind having your eyes light up when you see me? Thanks”. Seriously, what would be the point of that? It isn’t something she could decide to do on purpose.
Such exquisite shame and hurt, inflicted in total innocence. It’s just the inevitable result of being around people without really being one. Constant reminders of what you are and what you are not.
It would be easier to refute and resist such messages if they were delivered on purpose. If someone openly jeered and said you were unworthy, that might hurt but not nearly so much. When kind, decent people inadvertently show you what you are, the very fact that they didn’t mean to hurt you, makes it hurt more. You know they mean it. You know full well that girl had no idea of causing you pain at all. You know full well that her eyes would never light up like that for you. She’d never say such a thing. It’s just a brutal, silent truth.
No girl is ever going to have or express a conscious opinion that you don’t deserve to have someone love you. If you ever asked, they’d all insist that someone will but just not them right now sorry. But conscious opinions have nothing to do with it.
She didn’t see her boyfriend, muse over her options, and choose to react with joy. It just happened. And when girls react to you, there’s no real deliberate choice. It just happens. And what happens is, he gets joy and love, and you don’t. Other guys do, and you don’t.
You can’t even comfort yourself with bitterness or anger toward women, because you know they are just people reacting and feeling what they feel. You don’t want someone to force themselves, to pretend, to take pity. You want someone’s eyes to light up. And you have a sick horrible fear in your gut that it really might just never happen.
You came into the world as stupid and hopeful as everyone else. And you are learning the cold lesson now. You bounce up like a hopeful puppy, sure that you’re a part of this, sure that you get to play like everyone else, and you slowly learn you’re just not welcome. Nothing personal, you just don’t get to have that kind of reaction, that kind of experience. Nothing personal, you just have to be alone, and would you mind pretending to be ok with that? You’re not supposed to complain about it and make people feel bad.
Just live your life alone, don’t experience love, don’t hold hands, don’t have sex, don’t have children. And don’t bitch about it, you entitled creep.
Now go lift some weights.”

The above was not written by me. I peruse quite a bit. I have browsing apps downloaded to both phone and iPad and have to restrict it to wifi only so I don’t use all two gigs of my data redditing. Amidst the myriad chaff, I occasionally come across something that dramatically shifts my worldview. The above passage opened my eyes to something that resonates with me.

Much is said against the forever alone guy. He is pathetic. He is a white knight. He is entitled. His lot isn’t that bad. Suck it up. Et Cetera. The author of this passage is obviously familiar with what he describes, whether he feels it himself or he has a friend who has broken down and confided in him. He, forever alone, is one reason my work matters and why it’s so damn rewarding. I’ve talked before about how, the first time I went pro, I was able to relax more easily than in my personal life and how my arousal response went through the roof. Getting paid for my time freed me to sink in and enjoy it. I had made my decisions, I had taken my safety precautions, I was free of doubts that plagued me through regular relationships, and I had a blast. That feeling hasn’t changed. The feeling of freedom to focus on you and the feeling of exultation at a job well done. Every time you walk out happier than you walked in, I feel that joy and gladness.

For the forever alone guy writing about his situation with introspection, understanding, and forgiveness I offer this: my eyes will light up when I see you. Because your financial assistance frees me while we are together from outside concerns, my eyes light up. Because you reward my every move with a smile of appreciative desire, my eyes light up. Because your conversation assumes my intelligence, my eyes light up. Because your body responds to my touch with sensual focus, my eyes light up. Because you come back again and again, my eyes light up. Because you feel comfortable and safe and sexy and concerned, my eyes light up… for you. Whoever you are, forever alone guy, I hope you find someone who lights up for you, whether it’s within the realms of civilian relationships or the stolen moments of a professional, I sincerely hope you find it. If you’re in Seattle, I’d like to help.