X Axis:
Who is it for? Is this kiss a kiss to turn me on or to turn you on? Is this position to get me off or to get you off? Ideally, we both take turns doing and being done in ways that turn our partners on.
Y Axis:
Doing and being done to are simple words that describe what action is taking place and where each partner is in the moment. Ideally, we take turns here, also, between doing and being done to.
Radial Axis:
At the center of the circle are the things I want to do for me that happen to be things you want me to do for you, and vice versa. Because we are not clones, there is space around the perimeter for things we are willing to do, things that our partner wants to do or have done that we are willing to have done or do, but may not be things we would ask for. Outside the thin blue circle, we find non-consensual encounters, violence, resentment, anger, fear, etc. Inside the circle, we find mutuality, pleasure, and fulfillment.
Things that fall in Quadrant I, Actions I perform, on you, for you:
- Massage
- Body Glide
- Reverse Cowgirl
- Administering warm towels
- Spanking
- Butt stuff
Things that fall in Quadrant II, Actions I perform, on you, for me:
- The first 90% of a blowjob
- Cowgirl
- 69 (most of the time)
- Kissing
- Grinding through clothes
Things that fall in Quadrant III, Actions you perform, on me, for me:
- Missionary
- Massage
- Gently flicking my nipples with your tongue tip
- Gentle, slow oral exploration
- Doggie sex
Things that fall in Quadrant IV, Actions you perform, on me, for you:
- Oral, most of the time
- Fast and/or rough sex
- Hard-ish or rough-ish kissing or groping
- Standing up sex
Things that fall outside the circle of consent:
- Receiving anal
- Really rough sex
- Pinching or slapping
- Tongue spelunking
I love doing things for you. It feeds me, it turns me on, it inflates my pride and it gives me warm feelings for myself and the person I’m giving to. It is easy for me, emotionally, to give to a receptive and appreciative partner. Far easier than receiving.
Being done to, even if it’s for me, is emotionally taxing in a way that giving will never be. It is often pleasurable but the emotional space I hold to both keep everyone involved and happy while also allowing myself to live in the moment means FBSM leaves me feeling whole and relaxed while an intimate encounter leaves me happy and satisfied but drained.
Because I am willful and selfish sometimes and because my beloved clients often want me to enjoy myself, I can take action, on you, for me quite well. The danger here is taking action that someone isn’t ready for, just because it’s something I like. I like to think I’ve done well so far.
The potential for infinite data points along the three axes make this a useful tool for communicating. If, for example, someone thinks they’re going down on me for my pleasure and I think they’re going down on me for their pleasure, neither of us are getting what we want. As a professional, I want to spend most of our time in the ‘for you’ half which gets wibbly wobbly timey wimey on us when ‘for you’ involves my orgasm, haha!
Whether we are doing or being done to, for me or for you, I will always vocalize where my circle is; you will never need to guess whether or not I agree to an activity. I will also vocalize any discomfort and suggest changes so I can focus on the pleasure of your pleasure. That is my commitment to you. All I ask in return is that you take and appreciate the gift of access I offer.
The gift of access is beautiful. It’s something I’ve intuited and appreciated since day one of my sexual journey, and haven’t always protected. The gift of access is something you give your partner, freely, that allows them to unselfconsciously explore you and take pleasure in you. It’s something not all can easily give but for those of us who can, we make excellent and versatile providers.
The gift of access is something you have to actively take. It is a gift that is offered, but requires some action on your part to access it. When less experienced people come to see me, one of the things I want them to practice is taking pleasure in their partner. I want you to look and feel my breasts and my pussy and my lips and hair and everything else. I want you to listen to my heart beat in my inner thigh and to my breath quicken. I want you to explore, slowly and gently, every crease and expanse and curve and fold. And I want you to be able to do it secure in the knowledge that I know, now, how to protect the gift of access and I will help you learn to as well.
The wheel of consent is a big concept. This post has been about four months in the making because there is infinite nuance and trying to distill it into something simple… well, lets just say I’m still not happy with it. Betty Martin is the inspiration for this concept and this post and if you’re at all interested in communication and better sex, I encourage you to browse the videos on her website at www.bettymartin.org. They move a bit slowly, but I found it worth the time at least once.
Thank you to everyone who either already intuited this or took the time to explore it and to those who are still working it out. It’s good stuff, I tell ya.