“How can you do it?”

Originally published


I am a chameleon. I am adaptable and eager to do so given the opportunity.

I am a non-Newtonian fluid. When pushed I resist, but when given the atmosphere and opportunity to explore, expand, envelope, encourage I do so with abandon.

When we are together, you are my world. You are the center of my affections, the commander of my attention, the focus for us.

I’ve been chatting with close and professional friends about my side of the experience. On occasion it’s a simple exchange with not nearly as much intimacy and care as I had expected based on our email exchanges. The witty banter and mild innuendos, followed by lively repartee during our meet and greet leave me surprised by a businesslike or prideful encounter. The vast majority of the time, however, it is a truly transformative experience.

We are intensely social creatures, we humans. We crave acceptance and love and if we can’t get it we demand respect or fear. If none of those come naturally, we generate power and use it to create the illusions of love, fear, or respect. One thing I never could stand when I worked as a dancer were people who used cold hard cash as a replacement for personality or kindness. They got what they wanted: a facsimile of the specific interaction they failed to command in their own right.

When I meet with someone who has both need and appreciation for genuine, honest, thoughtful connection, it’s almost as if we fall in love for a few hours. It begins with a spark. Perhaps it’s awkward chat about our lives, or a nod to pop culture references. Perhaps we hit it off from the very start and the banter just flies. It doesn’t matter, because one of my gifts is that ability to just chat. To open myself up in order that you feel more free to do so yourself. I will bare some personal details about where I grew up and what I love; my family and friends; my dreams. In turn I will encourage you to tell me more about your life, likely vastly more varied than mine. I want to know what you’ve always wanted and what you like. I want to hear your funny stories and your opinions on today’s world. When I’m with someone who appreciates themselves and me the possibilities are endless. I often find it difficult to tear myself away from an interesting conversation or an intense intimate experience or a leisurely cuddle.

About the experience: there is a wide range of emotions that are all good, all different, coveted, enjoyed, treasured, and craved. I’ve shared many of them with established friends and the relationship continues to deepen. Recently I had an experience that we both described as almost spiritual. I felt like the female was being worshiped with my body as the vessel. I was the glass through which this young man was able to look, unashamed and accepted, into the beauty of female. I don’t know how he felt, but I can imagine based on an experience I had earlier this year, and based on what I learned as an exotic dancer.

It takes ultimate safety and comfort to allow yourself to be the gateway through which male or female is observed. I can picture in my mind’s eye that slow, warm early summer afternoon lying in bed, freshly showered and warm, just looking and touching in a way I hadn’t been able to before. I was curious to explore the bits of him that were different from my own. It was innocent and playful, like children who don’t understand why they’re in trouble for ‘playing doctor.’ It simply doesn’t occur to either of you to be ashamed. Looking and touching the long strong muscles of his thigh, comparing my girlish, rounded knees to his blocky, masculine ones. Watching the muscles of his shoulders move as he leans over. A woman rarely has opportunity to explore a penis in a nonsexual atmosphere and that hour, lying together and touching each other, careful and curious, will always make me feel good. Safe. Thoughtful. As I would imagine Eden was like before ‘sin’ and what I’m sure our ancestors experienced before shame and ritual governed our sexuality.

During my short stint as a dancer my opinion of female sexuality made a dramatic shift. Watching young women who absolutely did not fit today’s model of beauty turn the heat up on stage and become elegant, sexy, sensual, charismatic goddesses in their own right was a slow but lasting experience. At first I was hypercritical, always comparing my own form and talent to theirs. Then I began to realize that each woman here had a different sex appeal. Thick thighs and buttocks that at first turned me off began to look sensual and sexy. Tiny, lithe, straight hipped bodies took on a catlike quality with surprising twists and smouldering eyes. Loud, abrupt personalities took on languorous grace as they twisted and turned and moved in interesting ways. Mothers with soft bellies turned into acrobats with incredible strength and precision. After a few months of watching it for hours at a time my tastes have permanently changed. Women of all types and shapes and sized interest me. And it doesn’t stop there. I’m now easily able to look past superficial nonsense to discover at least one thing sensual about each person I meet. It might be the way you smell or the feel of your skin or the way we kiss or your obscure interest in origami but there will be something that gives us that connection that allows for one of those coveted, needed feelings that we allow ourselves to indulge in for a while before we’re forced to return to the real world with its demands and taboos.

I hope and believe that this eager, nervous young man with whom I was able to explore my own Goddess was able to experience the same feeling of non-judgmental exploration. I hope I was able to facilitate his discovery and satisfy his curiosity, or at least slake it until the next time we meet. I hope to provide that atmosphere of safety and acceptance for each person I meet in whichever circumstances we meet in.