Author: C S

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The West Wing (TV show review)

I’m late, again, on my post. I’ve had, again, that peculiar combination of busy, not busy, and unmotivated that fiddles with my productivity.

But now I’m watching The West Wing and I’m inspired to write a TV show review which I haven’t done since Law and Order. I think.

I’ve had The West Wing recommended to me a few times but I never really picked it up. I kinda thought of it as a political procedural, like a police procedural. My experience with those has been that they’re great for a while but get less great over time.

I have a strong hunch this will not be the case with this show. I recognize these faces as actors whom I have developed a deep respect for and the dialogue is clever as hell.

Additionally, one and a half episodes in and they’ve hit hard on two big topics close to my heart: the Christian Right and Sex Work. I’m already blown away by the fast pace, the quotability, and their ability to hit stereotypes so hard they shatter them.

My partner has been watching a few other nineties shows; My So-called Life, Dawson’s Creek, the obligatory Law and Order… I’d been thinking recently that wee are in the golden age of television when watching Black Mirror and Breaking Bad but if this was on  regular television a couple decades ago and what I see on cable now is house hunters and reality TV then I am so, so wrong. These shows cover real topics like homosexuality, teen sex, young love, abusive relationships, in such a nuanced (if dated) way. Like, no one reacts to these things with moral condemnation, they react with problem solving and personal revelations. Yeah, some of it is to make TV interesting but making it interesting without reverting to car chases and gratuitous violence.

The way the characters in The West Wing deal with each other’s irritations and differences is with humor, anger, tolerance, intolerant discussions, yet a distinct desire to overcome differences and get things done is inspiring. I’m looking forward to finding how it unfolds as I binge it.

Anyone who wants to chat with me about it, feel free but NO SPOILERS! 😉 I’m only a few episodes into the first season.

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John School

I don’t like it. I think the idea is stupid and condescending. I hate the thought of some government flunky ‘educating’ my beloveds into never seeing me or my friends again. I love my clients and would never want them to see me as a passive victim caught up in ‘the patriarchy’. I don’t want them arrested, I don’t want them scared, and I certainly don’t want them ‘reeducated’ into somehow seeing themselves as broken for coming to see me and my colleagues.

That being said, I did just read an interesting article. Www.gq.com/story/cure-men-who-pay-for-sex-end-prostitution. I was prepared to be outraged, as usual, by some well meaning but misguided government agent shaming clients for seeking out providers to meet their needs. The headline ‘can we cure men who pay for sex’ is disgusting, as if the safe and professional answer to a natural human urge were a disorder. I was not prepared to agree with the heart of the article.

The article’s author observed and related one of the sex buyer reeducation programs here in King County. Apparently they’re a little different than most in that they don’t stick entirely to the fear and shame campaign most ‘classes’ offer. They talk about sexual harassment, women’s safety, emotional stability, healthy relationships, different ways of loving all the people in their lives… putting their decision to seek a sex worker in the context of their emotional health. It sounded surprisingly helpful and honest, if misplaced and condescending.

Connor Habib once said that what we need in the US isn’t more sex education, it’s intimacy education. While I don’t agree in the slightest that seeking sex workers is in itself a natural byproduct of ‘toxic masculinity’ I do agree that men could use a hand learning more about women’s experience. I wish this guy teaching this class would focus his efforts on getting his intimacy education classes out into the public instead of targeting men seeking sex workers. Partly because many men who would never see a sex worker need this education as much as those who do and partly because many men who see sex workers are already getting that education… From their provider!

To any readers who have been through ‘John School’: I hope that you found something valuable but if, as is likely, all you found was shame and anger, please know that it’s wrong. Seeing a consenting adult sex worker can be incredibly healthy and healing and it certainly doesn’t mean you aren’t a respectful, ethical, sexually realized person.

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Aging

We all make mistakes but generally not such basic, rookie ones. She handled it with grace but I shouldn’t have made it in the first place. I uttered the dreaded words ‘for your age’ not only to someone I admire but in front of our client.

As you can tell, I’m sure, my filter between idea and iteration is frayed. Particularly when I’m nervous or flustered. I tend to spit out whatever I’m thinking when it might be better to say nothing at all.

In my apologetic email, I tried again and again to explain myself but everything I wrote just dug me deeper into my hole. I’m kind of like the guy who thinks ‘doesn’t she look great in that tight dress? She’s got such great curves and that dress is so tight so it shows them off. I like her and I like that she looks really hot. Sausages are curved and juicy with a tight casing that makes them look so tempting. I like the way they look and taste. I would like to taste her, too, mmmm.’ And then says “You look like a sexy sausage.” Yeah, that guy? That was me with one of my heroes.

Most of the men and women I spend time with, many of the people who most inspire me, are significantly older than me. It amazes me when I find out their age and, far from lowering my opinion o them, it magnifies it. Very few providers admit to their true age partly because there’s this stigma against aging beauty. For some ridiculous reason, people think that 40, 50, 60, 70, even 80 and above are inherently limiting and there’s this perception that they are less sexually interesting. That’s patent bullshit. I can’t even wrap my head around the idea of aging as a negative in itself. I look at myself five years ago, realize how much I’ve grown since then, and realize that I have at worst EIGHT MORE of those five-year growth cycles.

Over the last five years I have: struck out alone in a new city, explored multiple aspects of the sex industry, achieved a professional certification, discovered and confirmed a life partnership, guided a protégé to safe professional stability, grown my social circle, traveled Europe, set and achieved emotional and financial goals, helped heal and entertain hundreds of beloved clients, and begun writing a book. Imagine the next five years! And the five after that!

However, in this case it was a comment about my colleagues physique. I was marveling that her form was, in my opinion, higher quality than mine. I’ve recently gotten my hands on several of my colleagues and one theme is how much more attractive I find them than myself. I’m sure a small part of it is novelty but they are genuinely in better shape with firm, beautiful busts and tight bottoms, and not only are they in better shape than me but they don’t have the advantage of youth. Also they are all waaaaay more in touch with their sexuality than I am. I feel like I’m cheating. I feel, not ashamed of my youth, but that I need to step up my game if I’m going to look half as good as they do once I reach their level. Of course what comes out is ‘you look amazing for your age’ which is the shittiest, douchiest, most backhanded ‘complement’ known to woman.

Oops.

Also: you get a two-fear this week since I missed last week’s posting time. Sorry.

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Wow. Just Wow.

I find myself for the second week in a row with ideas whirling and distractions aplenty and the desire to write a thoughtful piece present but low on my list of priorities.

Over the last week I have secured a venue for a party, had a fan-fucking-tastic duo with my good friend Claire, had a beloved client gift me a session with a colleague (I got to work on her), made some beautiful new connections over brunch, spent some time with family, driven across the state and back, stayed pleasantly busy with my beloveds, talked through some very complex thoughts, got inspired, got excited, got exhausted, and finally realized that it was Thursday and I haven’t written a post yet!

Alas I won’t get around to writing much more than this. My newsletter will have a bit more detail and a little hello from women’s marcher me but for now, I can only say thank you, until next time.

I’m off to eat some wholesome homemade chicken soup (yes, the noodles are homemade as well) and go out for some quality time with my parter and a single boozy beverage. I didn’t quite make it to my birthday without renewing my relationship with coffee, wine, and beef but I am being very careful and will continue that for the rest of my long long life.

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Swedish Enforcement Hits Home

It finally happened: I officially lost a client to the Swedish model*. Was he arrested? no. He was scared away.

Kind, thoughtful, supportive, generous; all the things we want in our clients he was and now, due to the continued harassment of clients across the Seattle area, I will not see him again for a very long time, if ever.

I, the sex worker equivalent of a rich white guy, will be fine. I could lose half my clients and still be ok, though I’d have to cut some corners. I could lose all my clients and fall back on one of several skills, though that possibility is extremely uncomfortable. I have several fallback plans but what if I didn’t? What If I were a woman of color and found it that much harder to find other employment? What if I were of uncertain legal status and thus were banned from most legitimate work? What if I had children or other dependents? What if I were less educated or LGBTQ or Older or mentally unstable or less conventionally attractive or chronically ill or under the influence of a substance or abusive person? Would losing this client really help me improve any of those things?

I hope you’re happy, men and women fighting to ‘save exploited children’, because your  Swedish model of criminalization enforcement has driven away a valuable source of income for this consenting adult. This educated, independent, voluntary sex worker is now just a little bit more vulnerable, just a little more concerned, just a little closer to danger. Thanks a lot.

*By this I mean the push to enforce current laws only against clients, not against providers. While both ends of the exchange are currently illegal, the degree to which LE chooses to prosecute and persecute clients is much higher than providers. It’s a scare tactic and it’s working.

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It did!

I promise: I wrote this on time and meant to schedule it, I just wasn’t connected to wifi when I wrote it. Thus It’s late but I hope you’ll forgive me.

I’ve seen Rogue One: A Star Wars story twice now and both times I was in tears by the end. Every criticism I had of The Force Awakens has been met and mastered by RO.

Since the original characters hadn’t entered the story yet, I have no expectations about their appearance to be met or dashed, aside from the magnificent return of James Earl Jones as the voice of Darth Vader. The only other returning characters were princess Lea in a perfectly appropriate cameo and General Tarkin, master of the Death Star.

The character of Han Solo was replaced by rebel pilot Cassian Andor. While not as witty or devil-may-care, Cassian is as gritty and real as Han Solo would have been had we seen more of his back story. Cassian, someone we should be rooting for as hero of the rebellion, does some very bad things in the name of the movement and faces a crisis of conscience so big it takes half the film. He’s not nonchalantly blasting obviously bad guys, he’s a soldier following orders who winds up sacrificing every shred of energy and self interest for a greater cause. He’s the Han Solo I was hoping for in TFA: complicated, brave, not always very nice, but dedicated to something he’s spent his entire life working towards.

Our female lead, playing the precursor to the clever and courageous Princess Leah, is Jyn (gin) Erso. Caught up in the machinations of governments she has no interest in, Jyn begins as a self interested prisoner and grows into the one to deliver the most stirring speech of the film. The father-daughter dynamic trikes me particularly as I am very close to my own and with his sacrifice as the catalyst I don’t see her change of heart as artificial.

It’s also worth noting, and has been noted before, that there is no romance in this film, as well there shouldn’t be. They’re in the middle of a freaking war and while some people respond to stress by seeking sex, many don’t. It makes sense for strangers to remain strangers when Jyn uses her wits and strength as a tool instead of her sexuality. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that but it’s refreshing to see the change.)

I complained that the plot of TFA trivialized the search and sacrifice for the Death Star plans because they used the same plot device but everything was an accident instead of carefully planned. This film tells the story that TFA cheapened and does it in a way that made me laugh, made me cry, and sent me home elated. Here, finally, is a Star Wars film that takes itself seriously!

It was said by a friend of mine that Miticlorians ruined the force. The attempt to explain how the force works took some of the mysticism and ritual out of it and tried unsuccessfully to drag a space opera into the realms of science fiction alongside Star Trek and Aliens. There is one character in RO:ASWS that renews the drama and mysticism of the force. He also provides both comic relief and the most poignant scene in the entire film. I had to hold my hands over my mouth to keep from sobbing in the theater both times and the act of writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. Like legit tears welling up and falling down my face.
And of course the droid. The droids are always the comic relief. The clever, the foreign, the oddly loyal but sometimes kooky hunks of metal that help keep the humans safe. Even the droid was complex. Even the machine had heart.

I had a problem with the fan service in TFA because it felt out of place. The phrases we recognize didn’t fit in the context they were put and so it took me out of the film when I heard them. In RO, it was hella appropriate because the timelines are so close. I think RO leaves off a week or less before ANH begins and so when we see original footage from ANH, it makes perfect sense! When we see an artfully computer rendered princess Leah, it makes perfect sense! When the uniforms and the fighters and the sets are all the same, it makes perfects sense! I walked away immediately wishing to watch ANH so I could ‘find out’ what happens next!

Suffice it to say that, while it did take the entire first half of the movie to introduce our characters, establish back stories, deal with everyone’s crises of conscience, and introduce the real heart pounding action, I didn’t ever feel bored. In short: I loved it! This is the film we will remember as the turning point in the franchise (I hope) from a fun yet frivolous space opera to a grittier, more complex story of fierce loyalty, real passion, quick wits, and the perennial crowd pleaser: the underdog story.

I noticed something on my second viewing that I’m happy to discuss with the more politically minded but it’s a pretty deep topic and so I’ll leave you with this thought for your second viewing: pay attention to all the rebel uniforms. There are factions we are supposed to like and factions we are not supposed to like. The uniforms evoked associations in me as an American viewer around various guerrilla forces including American forces in Vietnam and Insurgent forces in Iraq and Afganistan, (as portrayed by media; I’ve never seen either in person). It was pretty clear to me who was supposed to be the bad guy and who was supposed to be the underdog, though they never fought each other directly.

In any case, I enjoyed the movie very much and would be happy to geek out on it with any and all interested parties. Or uninterested parties. I’ll geek out on anyone if I get the chance. I’m so happy!

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Seattle Alternative Advertising

Under continued political pressure, Backpage, a popular advertising site, has disabled their adult services section, much as Craigslist did some years ago. Maggie McNeil will be writing about it in tomorrow’s column with her trademark exhuberance and is going to publish an exhaustive list of advertising alternatives. Her readership is far broader than mine and so I will leave the exhaustive listing to her and focus this post on the most important thing: me.

Backpage has a bad reputation in Seattle. The popular (read: loud) opinion on discussion forums I read is that the providers are subpar at best and the clients are irritatingly shallow. However, having spoken to above average ladies who use it, I understand it is not only useful but with careful presentation can reach great clients. It’s an international platform that offers no-nonsense advertising for low initial cost. A lot of people used it to find clients online, thus staying safely behind closed doors. Some good friends of mine and many more acquaintances and sisters will see a sharp drop in their income surely within the month but probably sooner unless they can find alternative effective advertising venues.

And so we met.

Sol Finer, Sola Love, Savanna Sly, Maggie McNeil and representatives from CoSWAC and the Gender Justice League met with a group of around thirty providers to discuss short and long term options. There are incredibly long lists at the following places:

Saucysayswhat.tumblr.com

http://thecauldronnyc.com/backpage-alternatives/

maggiemcneill.wordpress.com

But the big question is: which ones are any good and, for those of us here in Seattle, where are all the ladies going?

The first alternative that comes to people’s minds is TNA. Some love it, some hate it, but it is an alternative, it’s hugely active, and it’s free to join. I am registered and marginally active on Eros, P411, Slixa, The Hobby Hunter, and TER. You can also follow your favorites on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook; some ladies update availability and other such fun things. My most effective tool is my newsletter, thank you those who’ve subscribed. I’m going to go down this list and talk a little bit about each option, how providers can use them, and how clients can most effectively use them.

TNAboard

Cost:

Free for a basic provider membership, 50/month for a premium membership. The difference is whether or not you can have a signature and how often you can advertise. I’m not sure whether/how much clients have to pay for membership but premium status allows you to, for example, post comments of advertisements and in the Ladies’ Lounge. It’s not necessary.

Difficulty:

Providers need to submit a picture of their face with the date and their username visible to the moderators for verification. They can voluntarily submit a photo of their photo ID with all information except the DOB and face shopped out in order to become ‘TNA verified’. The process isn’t too time consuming and there are photo blur apps available for smartphones so you don’t need a computer.

Region:

TNA covers pretty much the entire West Coast as well as a few major cities across the country. It’s most active in Washington and california.

Vibe:

TNA is well known as the wild west of message boards. There are vehement opinions and drama galore but if you generally avoid the message boards and only advertise the clients will find you.

How to:

As a provider, this board allows you to build a brand. You can chime in on any of the many topics that pop up. If you find you like the conversations and can easily jump in, no problem. If you find them too aggressive, do this: comment only on topics you find genuinely interesting, read only the first page of comments, craft a careful reply to the original point, and only pay attention to respectful replies (they happen on occasion). You’re creating a paper trail of your opinions on things like social time, lingerie, favorite activities, interests, and more importantly how you conduct yourself. Clients will post reviews unless you specifically ask them not to. It is helpful to reply to the reviews with a personal comment as soon as you can, while you still remember the interaction, to serve as a record for future providers who may see this client. I, personally, will only comment if I know the client quite well and have no reservations about recommending them. Otherwise I use reviews and vouches as a potential reference list and will try to email for more information.

As a client, if you would like to interact on the message boards it can be fun sometimes but the easiest way to use TNA is simply to browse the ads. When you see something that catches your eye, you can use the advertiser’s profile to view their post history, reviews, profile, and contact information. There is a handy ‘to do list’ function that saves profiles to a list for easy access later. It’s useful because the search function and memory are both unreliable but do note that the provider gets a private message notifying them of your action.

 

EROS

Cost:

Starts at just over $100/month but goes up quickly when you add categories. I had some success with it several years ago but haven’t used it in quite a while. When I did use it I got two or three inquiries per week.

Difficulty:

You may have to submit a photo of your ID for age verification if the reviewer thinks you look under 25; they take no risks with underage workers. Also, be very very very careful with your wording. They will censor anything but the vaguest of euphemisms. Browse other ads to get a sense of what is allowed, be vague, leave the more explicit talk for your private website or better yet, for pillow talk after your session.

Region:

International, and you can advertise when you’re visiting as well. They take requests, too, if you can get enough people together to all ask for the same city they will add it to their listings.

Vibe:

It’s only advertising, no reviews, no discussions, but it looks very sleek and classy. I personally recognize a few dozen of my colleagues and friends; EROS has the highest concentration of former TRB advertisers here in Seattle.

How to:

Providers simply create an ad, pay via bitcoin, money order, or credit card (no prepaid cards anymore), and post. You can set it to auto-update even so you just set it and forget it. It requires no maintenance and is probably the simplest advertising venue, if expensive right up front.

Clients simply browse and follow the instructions in her ad, the end.

 

Preferred 411

Cost: free to join, it costs credits to actually advertise but I’ve never advertised on P411 before, simply maintained a profile. Logging in every week or so bumps your profile higher on the list and makes you more visible or you can stick your profile to the top by paying up to 100/month via bitcoin, credit card, cash, or money order.

Difficulty:

You have to submit three photos: one of your ID, one of you holding your ID, and one of you holding a paper with your name, the date, and your application number on it. Again, they only need your photo and DOB so blur out the rest of the information on your ID.

Region:

International

Vibe:

P411 is mostly a verification site. Members have varying levels of verification and can ‘OK’ each other. I use the OK list to choose reliable references and will email them for personal references. DO THIS! I have seen clients on P411 with multiple OKs from reputable providers, friends of mine even, for whom I would very much like to give actual references for. It also doesn’t tell you how old the OKs are and people change so it’s always a good idea to follow up.

For clients, this can be a good way to streamline the review process. The site asks for some level of verification from you, I believe you have the option to submit employment information to get verified by this third party service so you might not have to disclose that information to your providers, it depends on their personal policies. In any case, it’s one place to browse for providers in the area you’re looking for, although their information might be out of date.

 

SLIXA

Cost:

Free to have a profile but all advertisements cost credits and no one sees your profile until you have an ad. Credits are 1:1 USD and the most basic ad is 2 credits per day.

Difficulty:

Easy as pie. Fill out the profile, pay for the ad, you’re done

Region: International

Vibe:

Similar to EROS

How to:

Similar to EROS; no client/provider interaction, only advertising. It’s acutally a very slick website but I’ve heard from others that it’s slow. It’s run by a former sex worker, however, so we’d like to patronize it if possible.

 

The Hobby Hunter

Cost:

A bit less than 200/year but you can do it in smaller incrememnts. Paid for by money order.

Difficulty:

It wasn’t difficult for me in the month or so after TRB went down but it’s a small board run by one woman so the backlog seems to be slowing registration to a crawl. That being said, setting up your profile isn’t difficult and, while it’s not perfectly intuitive, once you get the hang of it it’s easy to navigate.

Region:

Primarily Portland. It’s a slow board but they have established a Seattle section and if we can gather steam it could turn into a viable option.

Vibe:

Super nice. Reviews and forums are available but everyone is terribly respectful and encouraging to each other. It reminds me of the way TRB used to be.

How to:

There’s a chat function which is kinda fun as well as the various forums. If you’re looking for a high energy place, this is not it. I can’t even think of strategies to stand out from the crowd; there is no crowd. If you’re already a member or can become one in the near future, it’s more a place to go and chill than a place to rake in clients. Clients, it’s nice place to interact with relaxed providers in a setting of cameraderie but unless you’re headed to Portland or Vncouver, very few Seattle ladies are currently advertising there.

 

The Erotic Review

Cost:

Free for providers and clients to have a basic membership, paid for premium. I’ve never paid for it so I don’t know payment options or price. Providers can see VIP details of their own reviews though they may have to spend some time working with the mods to attatch the right reviews to the right profile. Clients can get premium membership by posting a review of a new lady but not by posting a second review of the same lady.

Difficulty:

No verification needed, only you might need to contact the moderators if you’re just signing up in order to connect your reviews and profile with your account. You cannot set up your own profile, the first client to review you fills out all the details, meaning if you’d like to explore this option, choose a client you like and trust to set you situation up for you.

Region:

International

Vibe:

TER is run by clients, for clients. Providers can post in the discussion forums but they’re not sorted very well so you’ll be interacting with people you may never meet. The review structure is the most contentious part. Providers who don’t offer the full range of services including unprotected oral sex, PIV sex, kissing, etc cannot be rated higher than 7/10, meaning the most mind blowing, earth shattering, life changing erotic bodyrub you’ve ever had won’t be ranked as high as a mediocre blowjob. Also, clients are rewarded for new reviews of new girls so it encourages many short interactions instead of long term relationships which goes against the grain for many.

How to:

Providers who are not yet on TER: it’s out there and it can work for you. Create your profile, share it on your website or in your email footer, and keep an eye on it. This is the only site where reviews can be your friend so you need to be proactive. Encourage one new client per month to write a review; it bumps you to the top of search results and will often generate a new client or two. If you are one who doesn’t like reviews, make it clear beforehand because they are difficult to remove.

Clients can help providers here by writing respectful, moderate reviews of ladies you know. You can write more than one review of the same lady. I suggest one new review per year since dynamics can change over the year. I also suggest emailing your provider the text of your review prior to submitting it to make sure it doesn’t upset her or reveal something she’d rather keep between you two. As far as using it yourself, the search function is reasonably useful and while the Seattle advertising section is slow, it picked up after TRB went down and may do so again in the next few weeks.

 

And as a footnote: Providers have been advised to advertise in the ‘professional services: massage’ and ‘personals’ sections of backpage. If you liked the immediacy of backpage, you can look there for familiar faces. I personally am going to move towards SLIXA for several reasons: it’s reasonably priced, the website looks good, and it’s owned by a former sex worker. I’ll be directing my fellow providers there and to the personals sections of backpage.

 

I’d write more but it’s quite late and I’m tired. Please feel free to leave comments below with your thoughts on the events and alternatives. I’m going to publish now and proofread Saturday, sorry for any mistakes.

 

One last thing: Our community rallied immediately. We are so fortunate to be in a place where crises like this bring us together instead of fracturing an already vulnerable community. I’m hoping we can ride this wave and move forward.

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Craft? Calling?

I have a friend. He’s nice, painfully intelligent, not always intuitive when it comes to human relations, and recently spent some time in Seattle. Part of the reason for coming to Seattle was to sleep with a mutual friend. She’s a safe person to experiment with and attractive in body and mind so it made sense for him to fly halfway cross the country for a shag.

You see, my friend has had a short string of sexually unsatisfying relationships and had convinced himself that he was broken. Even our safe mutual friend didn’t result in the kind of fireworks he’s been told casual sex brings. His sexual history is at best mediocre and at worst actively traumatizing.

As the resident sexpert and friend, I was consulted over tacos and beer. Through euphamisms and shy, circular innuendos he told me that he was disappointed in the sex he had had with our friend. A few drinks later we got into more detail and I realized that I knew exactly what he was talking about. More importantly, I knew why he was so confused.

 

Girls Talk
Girls Talk

We women talk about sex ALL the time. Women talk to each other about how many, how big, how long, how funny, and most of all how bad our lovers can be. In my social circles it’s rarely painful but we accumulate funny stories and share them to relieve tension and build friendships. Girls are used to non-orgasmic sex, we’re used to bad lovers and men who push too far too fast. We’re used to having sex when we’re not really in the mood. We see it in media, hear about it from our friends, and live it. Boys don’t.

My friend had been having what I call maintenance sex. Maintenance sex is sex you have when you’re not really interested in the sex but you’re interested in the sex having been done. Sometimes it’s to connect with your partner, sometimes it’s to get a reward, sometimes it’s to get him to be quiet and go to sleep so you can stay up late watching Lost Girl. The reason doesn’t matter, the reality is that it’s generally mediocre and rarely orgasmic. The problem with my friend’s maintenance sex is that the reward he was expecting was an amazingly pleasurable experience. Maintenance sex isn’t amazingly pleasurable. So he was trying to build relationships he wasn’t that interested in, gain a reward he couldn’t have, and instead of a the freedom to watch a badly written sex drama about a succubus and her impossibly attractive friends in peace, he got confusion, shame, and anger.

I told him what I thought: that he wasn’t broken, just unusual. He had been allowing his partners the choice and initiative, assuming that if she was ready, he would be. In mainstream media and in most relationships, this is true. Unfortunately for my friend, it wasn’t true for him. He is now looking forward to an arduous journey of self exploration. He will have to pay attention to how he feels when in a relationship. He will have to learn to know what HE wants instead of simply reacting to what SHE wants. We’ve been working so hard to teach this to young women that we forget: young men need to know this, too.

As the fiery, eloquent Connor Habib once said: “This country doesn’t need more sex education, it needs relationship education.”

 

And, as all humans do, I take this story and ask what it has to do with me. Well, I wonder if perhaps this was a nudge. I’ve become quite good at my craft. I bring genuine skilled bodywork together with elegant sensuality and season it with sprightly conversation to create an organic, sexy, playful, satisfying session every time. And I’m getting bored. New clients still bring a rush of excitement and I do take great pleasure in the ease of comfortable relationships but there’s only so many things I can do with my hands before I have to get really kinky. It’s possible I will explore a discipline called Sexological Bodywork. It’s a form of counseling that involves hands on sessions. Generally focused on sexual relationships with self and others, the hands on portion allows the client to experience needed touch in a safe environment from a trained professional. Combined with clothed talking sessions it can help healing from sexual trauma and growth into a healthy sexual whole.

Anyway, that’s the future isn’t it? For now, I’m just happy to have helped out a friend. He’s got a long way to go before he’s settled into a happy, long term loving relationship and until then, I’ll do my best to help him, help you, and reach myself some life goals!

 

TourDeEiffel

 

Speaking of goals:

Make more money than I did this year

Never miss a post or a newsletter this year

Get halfway through my book

Go camping at least one long weekend

Become fluent in French

Lose 10 pounds

Eat better food!

And of course you know: no meat, alcohol, or coffee until my birthday!

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And A Happy New Year

Oh 2016, You’ve been an interesting one, that’s for sure.

As the list of losses climbed through the year, natural and political disasters continue unabated, and we’ve definitely reached the tipping point on Global Climate change, I look back on my own personal 2016 and see a very different trend.

This year started pretty terribly, with the Review Board shut down, advertising options suddenly limited, community resources diminished, and some beloved (and not so beloved) friends losing their lives, it looked like 2016 would be a year of confusion and terror.

For some, it has been but for me it has been a year of growth and change I think I will look back on fondly for some time yet.

First, I learned to be careful. I began policing my own behavior and openness a great deal more, taking more precautions and avoiding potentially compromising positions. I have benefitted from that in many ways and have passed those benefits on to you, though you may not have noticed it.

Then, I began to act. I coordinated and organized and tried to preserve the community as best I could and have managed to do what I think is an OK job of maintaining social connections between providers and allies who value this industry and the magical experiences that can come of it. Between large co-ed parties and small, ladies only get togethers, I’ve managed to maintain connections to some of the most intelligent, interesting, exciting providers in the area as well as creating new connections around the area.

I made some changes to my business model and became more consistent in my content; I finally began doing this as if it was not only my hobby but my business. Responsible boundary-keeping is not the only thing that makes a provider a professional, it is also maintaining a welcoming, immaculate incall, consistently creating new and exciting experiences, and being present and timely with administrative tasks (Thank you Rose!).

I’ve begun work on a book I hope will bring income to me, amusement to you, and a better picture of the industry to the world. A mix of autobiographical musings, profiles of major colleagues, and most of all stories of my interactions with my beloved clients, I hope to show the world that, while some guys are just dicks, the vast majority of people seeking erotic services are greater than the current narrative tells us they are. I had hoped to have more work done on it by the end of this year but it’s been a bigger year than I anticipated.

Partly because I took my first trip overseas! It was fabulous. I’ll never forget the sights and sounds and flavors and people. In fact, I’m already planning my next one! It has permanently shifted my perspective just a bit; you will all be the recipients of my healthier lifestyle and broader worldview in the coming months if you haven’t already 🙂

Here at the end of 2016 I’m working toward concrete goals and it’s all thanks to you, my clients and my colleagues, who have supported me, given me valuable advice and feedback, had hours and hours of hilarious, serious, sensual, beautiful, fulfilling, healing, amusing, intoxicating interactions, and ultimately helped me become a more interesting, more valuable person than I was at the beginning of the year.

I hope your holidays have been merry and your 2017 kicks ass!

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Getting Fresh

I’m sitting here on the couch watching Joanne Wier gets fresh. Its a cooking show on public television where this mid thirties woman ‘teaches’ her students how to cook. It’s a fun twist on the traditional cooking show and it means she gets to have these nice young people from different backgrounds come share her craft and take away a few truisms regarding flavor and cooking methods.

This episode she’s adding prosciutto di parma to a salad. Prosciutto di parma, if you don’t already know, is a type of cured ham that I think of as rich man’s bacon. It’s rich, its salty, it’s got nutty, earthy flavors, and you don’t need much of it to make a powerful statement. It’s made in Italy and shipped to your local Whole Foods so you can try it yourself. It goes well on pizza, crisped in the oven and crumbled over salad, or as a component of your charcuterie before or in between courses.

I once tweeted at Joanne Wier that the whole time I’m watching her show all I can imagine is her banging her students. She makes comments that you only think are dirty if you‘re already a little naughty minded. So I see them all the time. “Feel it on your tongue” and “I definitely got some seed” popped up recently. There’s this one student who has been on her show multiple times. He’s a brazillian ballet dancer and he positively oozes sex appeal. My partner and I are in full agreement: they’re totes banging. The best part though? Her social media manager tweeted back! Haha. Either it’s a slow day for her Twitter feed or they know exactly what they’re doing when they giver her shows suggestive titles. In an episode called “Citrus three ways” she says “Get ready to pucker up and get fresh.” I mean, c’mon..

The fun thing about food, though, is that it really is a sensual experience. Watching an episode of America’s Test Kitchen really is like watching porn, except instead of my pussy getting wet and desirous it’s my mouth. You may remember my short suggestive essay on succulent pulled pork shoulder. The descriptions and feelings of pleasure are very similar between good food and good sexual experiences. Temperature differences, slick moisture, earthy, salty scents and flavors, the visual aspect of a well presented plate…. All run parallel to stimulus we feel in our sensual encounters.

A friend of mine has a stipulation that any restaurant you take her to should be at least three stars on yelp. It sounds kinda elitist at first but what she’s telling you with this is that food, like sex, is important to her and she doesn’t want to waste her time or yours on it if it’s done poorly. She limits her volume to intensify the pleasure and I can certainly agree with her on valuing great sensory experiences.

I’ve noticed my tastes changing as I learn more about good food and as I age. I notice nuances in truly subtly delicious food. I need and want less of it when it’s more satisfying. I desire salt and umami more than sugar. I’ve even kinda lost my taste for straight chocolate. I like it with salt or ginger or sour fruits or in delicious buttery brown cookies but by itself, even a dark, bitter bar, it’s overwhelming. Same thing with pizza and pasta and even salads: If it doesn’t have good flavor and texture, it’s hard to enjoy it

I remember the best steak I’ve ever had. We were at the Metropolitan Grill, Bananas Foster at the table next to us, a mouthwatering, perfect, rich steak on my plate (or what’s left of it), and my eyes rolling with pleasure at every bite. It’s definitely number one on my list of greatest steaks, with numbers 2-5 going to home made, seared and baked ribeyes. Aside: Take me to the metropolitan grill and get that social time for free! After Valentine’s Day. Until then I’m vegetarian. Sigh.

I’m planning on being vegetarian for six weeks starting in January. As some of you have noticed, I’ve lost some weight. I feel fucking hot as hell but there are those few pounds left to shed. In the aftermath of the holidays and their emphasis on food and drink, a simple cleanse sounds like just the ticket. I’m not looking forward to it but I am looking forward to bikini weather and this year, for the first time, I’ll be really ready.

And yes, I’ll post pictures 😉

I want to wish you a very happy Holiday Season. Thank you, again, for your warm support over the last few years.