A personal history of sexuality

My most recent review of the Robert Heinlein novel ‘Friday’ has, as good fiction should, raised interesting thoughts that I feel are pertinent to my life, my professional activities, and my audience. I find it becoming appropriate to describe as best I can my sexuality and why I like what I like.

I am, above all, a pleaser. I love to watch and specially hear people affirm me and my abilities. You want to make me happy? Don’t try to do anything to me, simply relax and respond. I want to hear you grunt when I hit a sore spot and tell me that it feels good. I want to hear you breath hard and watch your muscles tense as you edge closer to climax. I want to see you smile at me when I come into view around the corner with a welcoming embrace. I want you to relax and find yourself drawn to come back time and time again because you enjoy what I do to you.

That’s a very important point. What makes me happiest is to DO TO YOU, not be done to.

It took me a good three or four years to overcome the social conditioning that has me quiet as a mouse when it comes to talking about sex with someone I’m having it with. I can talk the proverbial ear off people who aren’t my partner, but I learned early on that the male ego is extremely fragile and even the hint of dissatisfaction is grounds for hours of pouting and guilt tripping. Of course I now know that adults don’t pull that kind of crap but two years, my two first years, no less, of conditioning is not easy to get over. I have since stumbled my way into a relationship where being selfish was not only acceptable but actively encouraged. I found my partner urging me to please myself and what finally allowed me to give over was him letting me know in no uncertain terms that it was hot as hell and he hoped I’d do it as often as I wanted. The fact that getting off got him off allowed me to justify my selfishness and finally I started consistently climaxing, though still not every time. That dynamic is something I reserve for him. It is why I choose not to offer mutual touch or full service. He has earned that by his patient selflessness which he exercised long before we went to bed together. I cannot exercise that selfishness with just anyone.

It helps that we’ve had the time to crack the code, as it were. I would describe my equipment as a massive combination lock with a dozen, constantly changing stops on the dial. It also has a self destruct feature where trying too many times basically breaks it and I have to wait until next time to try again. Of course I still love sex for its own sake and always have, but having other people try to fumble through it when even I don’t know how it works is not ideal. My perfect sexscapade is orally pleasuring each other for exorbitant amounts of time, then getting in some vogorous but breif action, then cuddling.

I realize that many of you are also givers and that you get off on getting your partners off. I appreciate and identify with that SO much. I’ve been on the receiving end of several of your massages, gifts, and attention which makes me feel good. You know why it makes me feel good? Because it makes you happy. It doesn’t matter what your gifts or praise are, as long as they are genuine (which is why ‘perfect’ is a word I don’t much like), I will like them. It’s like a big circle of happiness that runs round and round, making both of us brighter with each circuit. It doesn’t matter whether your massage is light or firm, I feel physically good, so you feel good, so I feel good, and the loop returns. I’m not sure I’m explaining it very well but those of you who are like me will understand. Just making someone else happy fills up your love cup, you don’t need anyone to do it back to get the effect.

I’m pointing this out because I have had people ask me what I want to be done to me to make me happy. My answer is and always will be: nothing. Leave me in control of the situation so I am mentally pleased and satisfied. Let me know that you are pleased with what I do for you. Relax. Breathe. Feel. That is my reward and why I love what I do.