I once read a comment on a thread where a woman described a hookup. There are lots of those comments, but in this one, she said she was lying down, getting into the mood, receiving oral from someone she hadn’t had sex with before. Things were heating up, but then he abruptly stopped what he was doing, sat up, and announced “All done!”
Of course, she was confused, because she wasn’t done. Not done getting warmed up, or done orgasming. “Done what?”
“I finished the alphabet!” Came the satisfied answer.
Oh. Right. The alphabet game.
For those not familiar, the alphabet game is a bit of sexual advice sometimes given to people (usually men) who want to perform oral sex on people with vulvas (usually women). The reason they need this advice is because there’s a wide range of potential kinds of sensation, circles, lines up and down, side to side, and pressures, a firm pointed tongue, a soft flat one, presence then cessation of touch, that might make a pussy happy, and the right combination is not only a small target, but a moving one.
I get it. I have a lot of empathy for people getting into it with a new person whose arousal isn’t clearly visible through their pants. I have some limited experience with vulvas and vaginas, and thank fuck they’ve been pretty good at giving directions because you don’t know who wants an entire hand inside them versus gentle kisses outside until they tell you. I get nervous and in my own head sometimes, and I’m lucky to have one of my own so I’ve got an ok idea of where to start, at least.
The alphabet game, when used properly, can really help. Because it’s not a magic bullet, it’s not a technique in and of itself, it is only a useful tool.
The thing about the alphabet, is that the shapes are all different. Straight lines, circles up here and down there, angles, dots, crossed lines… if you start with A and make your way down to Z, you’re going to interact with the clit, the inner and outer labia, and the entrance to the vagina in different ways. The part of the alphabet game that people tend not to share, is that you have to pay attention to response as you go along.
We can start with ABC and we’ll default to the clit at the center of each letter. With A, you’re providing indirect pressure and movement to both sides and immediately below the clit. For some people, this will be nice, but not moving them towards orgasm. For others, being directly off the clit helps avoid overstimulation. You’ll know which is which for the person in front of you by their body language. Are they silent? Do they gasp? Do they moan a nice moan? If it’s the first, Try B. Now we’ve got movement next to the clit, above and below, and directly on. Again: gasps? Silence? Legs shaking? Try C. Now we’re moving in circles around the clit without getting really near it.
As you move through the alphabet, you might notice that T, L, M, N, and J all get a similar response. Or maybe O, Q, C, D, and U are sigh-inducing. That’s gold right there. Making your way through this variety of shapes while noticing your partner’s responses is feeding you information on what they like. The fact that it’s the alphabet is immaterial. You can do this with any variety of shapes, it’s just that most of us don’t have to think much about what’s next when running through our letters, so we can spend that mental energy on the noticing.
Because that’s the real technique behind the technique, and it’s a shame no one mentions it. Body language cues to look for are: first relaxing. At first, your partner’s breath rate might go down a bit. Their legs might fall open a bit more, and they might relax. Some people have trouble vocalizing what feels good, but they may still sigh or moan or softly swear (guilty). Those are all very good signs. After a little longer, you may notice quivering, or straining towards you, or a rhythmically rocking pelvis. All also very good signs. I have also noticed a change in taste. I can feel and taste arousal as a slicker, slightly saltier, almost tangy wetness that tells me I’m on the right track. And finally, you may hear your partner get louder in their vocalizations, their breath rate may speed up, and finally they may actually hold their breath or cry out. They may also put their hands on your head or shoulders and either push you farther in, or try to draw you away a bit.
If you watch for those early cues, relaxing, slowing breath, small moans and sighs, those are your signposts. When you notice them, notice what you were doing and log that. If when you try something else, the sighs stop, that also gets logged. You’re mapping a path and the alphabet is your vehicle, not the road. Sometimes you’ll go the wrong way, and that’s ok. You just come back and try again.
If nothing seems to be bringing those sighs out, try making your tongue soft and flat instead of pointy. Cat lapping cream versus hummingbird sipping nectar. You can also slow down, do calligraphy with your tongue instead of typeface. Add serifs, maybe move your entire face higher or lower, if your hands are clean (you haven’t touched food or your own genitals since washing your hands) you can try some gentle penetration.
Throughout it all, the real “trick” to it is noticing, paying attention, and occasionally checking in. I usually make eye contact and ask verbally “is this ok?” While slowly kissing my way down someone’s belly. It’s a pretty major transition and a good point to assess their comfort level. I make eye contact specifically to check whether their expression is uncertain. A lot of AFAB folks, and a lot of shy guys, don’t want to upset their partner by saying no, even if they want to, and a quick check of facial expressions can go a LONG way toward avoiding harm. I will also try to do that again before adding any penetration, even with hands. It’s another pretty major transition point and I like to make sure they know right at the outset they can say no without upsetting me.
I wanted to write about this because I’m fairly sure I noticed someone performing the alphabet game on me the other day. I felt a series of disconnected and non-repeating strokes, none of which seemed designed to assess where I was in my own building pleasure. There is zero shame in trying techniques, and I wasn’t unhappy at all. I am happy any time someone cares enough to try. But I am also here to help us all get better, in bed and in life, so here I am offering a deeper dimension for the technique.
My final bit of advice, or perspective, is that the next time you find yourself in a position to play the alphabet game, take time to notice your own reactions. Notice the different textures and tastes, the heat, the slick, the sounds, the sense of a breast or a thigh in your hand… take time to play and be in the moment a bit. It is a game changer.